Wasatch Front Basketball League

2009-10 WFBL Web Site Launches

2009-08-31T18:50:00.001-06:00

2009-08-29T15:35:00.001-06:00

It's coming....

A TIP OF THE CAP TO ZERMATT

2009-04-26T17:44:00.007-06:00

COMMISH'S ABOMINABLES MERCHANDISE COLLECTION KEEPS GETTING BIGGER

ZERMATT (AP)—In what has become an annual celebration, WFBL Commissioner and Zermatt Abominables head coach Ben Barnes held a private ceremony last week in honor of his latest Concludings triumph. The occasion? The rewarding of the communally pooled WFBL merchandise of his choice.

"Last year, the jersey made sense," Barnes said to himself. "I'll always cherish it, and until frame prices are drastically lowered, it will have a special place hanging in my closet. Or if Becky's gone I'll walk around the house in it.

"But this year, I decided to get something that is a bit more public-appropriate. Something that tells people 'hey, my make believe basketball team is awesome. I'm surprised you haven't heard of 'em.' Something I can wear outside the house."

Thanks to his team's surprising 6-3 victory over the favored Park City Sundancers last month, Barnes is now the proud owner of a custom embroidered A-Boms cap.

"It actually came out better than I had expected," said Barnes, who has now won three of the four possible Commissioner Barnes trophies. "What a great conversation piece! Although those conversations usually end with blank stares afterward."

It was originally speculated that Barnes would get a pair of shorts to go with his jeresey, but a source close to the league reports that an unnamed donor supplied him with some shorts before the season ended, due to his "being awesome." A cap was the next logical choice.

"I was also comtemplating a shooting jacket, but the way things are going, I figure I'll just get one next year, am I right guys?"

Again, the Commish's wife could not be reached for comment.

THEY SAID WHAT NOW?

2009-04-24T11:32:00.008-06:00

2008-09 NOTABLE QUOTABLES

This is definitely what we see when we think of "Sundancers".

Once again, the Commish and the Nameless Committee have gathered up a sampling of the 100 best quotes from the season. So for all you out there too "busy" to actually read all the articles (a preposterous notion), here's the best of the best.
________________________________________________

"Working hard during the off-season on slide shows is what wins championships!"
Ben Barnes

"Let's go crazy! Wow, that was fun."
Amare Stoudemire

"After this season, people will think 'quality basketball' when they think of Rigby. You know, instead of the usual 'do they still only have two stoplights there?' or 'why don't they ever plow the roads in the winter?', or my favorite 'do they still let you out of school for potato harvest?'"
Rashard Lewis

"Iguanas is behind, baby and lists to gain it everything!"
Fran Hopkin

"Will this be the year the SnowBees catch their fans unaware and finally win something meaningful, or will their biggest win continue to be getting their name drawn out of a hat by a three-year-old?"
Associated Press

"The Sundancers have been medial for long enough. When I ruminate about what exactly a Sundancer is, I like to think about elves or pixies twirling on the edge of a resplendent solar eclipse—ain't nothin' medial about that. By the way, have any of you guys ever tried word of the day toilet paper? It is really quite prodigious!"
Chris Bosh

"Hey, did you guys notice we brought D-Wade back too? He ruined our 06-07 season. It's like a high school reunion around here. Good times."
Dave Barton

"Last place vanquish of consolation branches, coach?
Yao Ming

"Anything is possible! ANYTHING IS POSSSSIBBBLLLLE!!!!! Top a da world, baby! TOP A DA WOOOORRLLD!!!"
Kevin Garnett

"We want to take it one week at a time so we can truly appreciate the nuances of each level of success. For now, we are seeing what 5-4 wins are like—that 'well, we could have done better were it not for the random injuries and off nights, but at least we didn't lose' feeling."
Justin Banks

"Yeah, Amare and I feel like it's our job to look after D-Wade. He's kinda like our little brother, and I mean that in a very down-to-earth way. He deserves to win the weekly EBP just for continuing to put up awesome numbers in spite of Kobe's craziness. A lesser player would have wilted under the awkwardity of the situation. By the way, I know that's not a real word, but I make millions of dollars and just don't care."
Chris Bosh

"Such positive energy from wily veterans like Nash and Pierce is sure to rub off on newcomers like rookie Greg Oden, who, though only 20 or something, looks like he could be Steve Nash's father (I know, that's an unrelated thought, but that's what sportswriters do: we use relative clauses as storage bins for random bits of info; get used to it)."
Associated Press

"Also don't trade away Amare Stoudemire. I know he's not on our team or anything, but if he somehow comes back, we should not trade him away. I think that goes without saying."
Deron Williams

"Coach said if I worked really hard all week in practice I could invite 3 people over to my sleepover pajama party. It was really hard to narrow it down to just three, but Tony and Michael are my super best friends forever, and they totally had to be here."
Kobe Bryant

"But at times one hears murmurs of 'conspiracy' from a certain vocal minority. What punishment awaits such traitors, if there exists one painful enough?"
Associated Press

"Whatever. As long as we keep the A-Boms from making the playoffs, the rest is icing on the cake."
Shaun Adams

"The fact that I participated in the draft myself really helped. I think a lot of teams sent robots or monkeys to draft their teams."
Justin Banks

"I'm here to tell you that we are still special, we're just winning now. Is there anything so wrong with that? Management is still perfectly willing to make ill-advised trades, as evidenced by the deal to ship Ron Artest to Richmond for Marquis Daniels this week. See? Still good ol' lovable Nephi."
Brandon Roy

"'Virgnia is for Lovers', as the saying goes, and we all know that Jason Kidd is a lover. And a fighter. And I love to fight for Virginia."
Jason Kidd

"I hate to use clichés, but I believe the saying 'anything is possible' would apply in this situation, would it not? I thought so."
Kevin Garnett

"Sure, we could ban performance-enhancers, but practice enhances performance—are you going to ban that too?"
League Drug Czar Bud Selig

"Coach asked me if I wouldn't mind sittin' this one out. And of course I knew what was going on, so I told coach 'no problem, I'll sit it out'. But only if it meant I could sit out practice too."
Allen Iverson

"I think the only league analyst who still talks about switchies in intelligent circles is Charles Barkley. The fact is, for every pattern you identify that favors your team, there's another one that favors your opponent."
Phil Jackson

"But instead of channeling Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns (as the preseason power rankings hinted at), these kitties have once again filled their litter box, making like Halle Berry in Catwoman. For those keeping count in sunny Bayside, that's two Halle Berry comparisons in just under a week. I'm no movie expert, but that can't be a good sign."
Associated Press

"Attendance has gone way up since I started threatening players' lives. The outcome of each game has suddenly become more interesting. Maybe next week I'll start threatening fans too."
Ted Barnes

Uh-oh! Keep Evil Dwight away from any tire yards/Olympic flames!

"Often something as simple as finding a glowing green crystal in the snow will do the trick. Others need an existential, logic-straining, hand-to-hand battle with one's somehow-embodied alter ego. You kind of just have to turn off your brain to understand that one, but it worked for Superman. As for Spider-man, I have to admit I never actually watched that movie, so I don't know how it worked out for him."
League Psychoanalyst and Literary Theorist Phil Jackson

"I think the best thing for everyone to do in this situation is to panic. To remain calm right now I think would be to deny the seriousness of the problem. I expect all of my players to go home after this loss and seriously consider whether life continues to have meaning for them—frankly, I'm not sure it does. At the very least, I hope they all yell at their kids and refuse to help their wives around the house. To be civil toward their families or to continue to participate in mundane household chores would be to insinuate that family harmony is somehow more important than ending our current losing streak, and obviously that's ludicrous."
Ted Barnes

"It's funny, because now the question 'How's the weather up there?' can be answered by me as both a very tall man and as a man on the top of the conference standings. One meaning of that question has already gotten old, the other I don't think ever will."
Yao Ming

"I take full responsibility for our current losing streak, for the country's recent economic downturn, and for the fact that the nachos at Mr. Mac Arena kind of taste like salty cardboard, and I absolve the Beekeeper of any fault for all of these things. At the same time, I urge SnowBees fans to continue to purchase tickets and merchandise and come to home games as if the team were doing well, and if you can't come to the games, then at least purchase tickets. I hereby promise that the next time the SnowBees are in a position to draft me, I will warn them if I'm going to have a mediocre season."
Remorsefully, Shawn Marion

"Too early?!? We're 18 games into the season! If this were the NFL, we'd be in the playoffs by now. Correction—we'd be out of the playoffs by now, looking for jobs selling concessions at other teams' playoff games."
Ted Barnes

"One things for sure, two things for certain. That Thaddeus kid is alright. He can hit the three, he gets steals, he doesn't get nearly enough rebounds that he should. It's like if Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis had a baby, it'd be Thaddeus. I shall call him Thaddeus TurkoLew. Just saying that name give me chillbumps."
Allen Iverson

"I'm here for motivational purposes. I serve as a constant reminder to the other players that they are all in perpetual danger of losing their job to a woodland rodent. And by the way, if I were in there, I guarantee you (Butchers guard) John Salmons does not score 71 points."
Sonic the Hedgehog

"It's backfiring actually. I mean, I feel insulted, but not to the extent that I want to prove everyone wrong and start making a bunch of three-pointers or something. I feel just enough insult to undermine my confidence. I think I may actually start playing worse now, if you can imagine that."
Al Harrington

"After watching Melo play defense for nine games. I'm suddenly very interested in seeing how the plush doll does."
Steve Nash

"saw rudolph on abc family new kind of family that santa is racist! LOL jk "
Shaquille O'Neal

"jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way oh what fun it is to SHAQ ATTACK! lol"
Shaquille O'Neal

"Alger was raised by a pack of yetis in a cave high in the Swiss Alps, where he learned from a young age many skills that would help him to become who he is today: skills such as dunking basketballs off trampolines and silly-string marksmanship."
Associated Press

"Over the past week, Michael and I have become very close. Before I knew him just as a name and a hand to shake before tipoff—and I suppose as a teammate with Bayside last year—but playing nine games against each other in seven days really gave us a chance to deepen our relationship."
Pau Gasol

"How dear to this heart are the scenes of my childhood,
When fond recollection presents them to view!
The snowfall, the mountaintops, the deep-tangled wild-wood,
And every loved spot which my infancy knew!

...And e'en the rude skis that hung on the wall—
Those oaken of yore, the heaven-sent skis,
The snow-covered skis which hung on the wall."
Unnamed and Unsuccessful Printer and Publisher/Amateur Poet

"Hey, I've been wondering where Udonis has been. I think I might have misclicked on his name. I didn't mean to trade him—lol."
Justin Banks

"Sometimes I'm just so proud of my ingenuity that I want to share. Maybe next week I will take a cue from Auric Goldfinger by inviting all you media types to my rumpus room for postgame interviews. That way I can have the satisfaction of getting to explain my elaborate plot in great detail before I gas you all to death."
Dave Barton

"For the first couple of weeks I'd have thumb wars on the bench with lil' Nate, but after he got his starting shot in week 3, it was like he wasn't one of us anymore. And I wasn't going to play with Luis (Scola)—dude's palms are sweaty."
LaMarcus Alrdridge

"Richard Hamilton's protective face mask, when removed, smells like vanilla and pomegranate."
Associate Press

"Al Horford shot 75% last week from the field, and although he never gives money to the Salvation Army Santa outside of Wal-Mart, he does pat his pockets and give a shrug, making it known that, unfortunately, he doesn't have any cash on him."
Associate Press

"We've been first and we've been dead last, and guess what? When I say 'Bayside' you say 'Tigers' right? Everyone knows who we are. You can't buy that kind of publicity."
Baron Davis

"No, 'bailout' isn't quite the right word. It implies too strongly a degree of failure on my part. I was simply seeking an 'increase in liquid assets.' See how that term obscures fault just enough to defuse possible public opposition? I can't believe you reporters call yourselves writers and I have to explain that to you. Sheesh!"
Ted Barnes

"I went in to coach's office and laid my jersey on his desk. I told him as my Christmas present to LaMarcus, I wanted him to start in my place against the Butchers. The thing that surprised me most was that coach agreed. I certainly wasn't expecting that."
Amare Stoudemire

"Still sulking over not getting that coveted Red Ryder BB Gun, (Vince Carter) used his field goal percentage as a way to prove that he couldn't shoot his eye out even if he tried."
Associated Press

"Just when it appeared that Shaq and Kobe had been bitter enemies for so long that they forgot what it is like to be teammates, the Gators ended up winning 4-3-2 anyway. These disgruntled superstars then came to the sudden and immediate realization that they were actually playing in an alternate or 'fantasy' dimension, where things like momentum and team chemistry are merely elaborate myths perpetrated by bored sportswriters."
Associated Press

"Please someone make sure Twin Falls doesn't draft me next season, I can't take another year of this!"
Kobe Bryant

You can almost taste the chocolate, can't you Ben Gordon?

"Rehearsals? We talkin' bout rehearsals?"
Allen Iverson

"U-Dog center Dwight Howard chose to honor our brave World War II veterans by enlisting in the Navy and spending the week in the Pacific, where he shot down 21 Japanese war planes and deflected 6 enemy bombs with his bare hands, although unfortunately none of those stats counted toward his team's totals."
Associated Press

"That's why when I saw that he had been nominated as last week's EBP I immediately subscribed to eight different Internet service providers so I could vote for him often enough to put him over the top. Did that make a mockery of the EBP voting process? Perhaps. But then again, you could argue that our entire league makes a mockery of professional basketball, so I don't really feel guilty."
Nene

"Man, change stinks. If I had known that this was what 'change' meant, I would never have agreed to contribute to the Obama campaign by writing all of his speeches for him."
Allen Iverson

"What does Zermatt have? For my money, if I have to choose one mountain valley in Switzerland to visit, you better believe I'm going to Lauterbrunnen."
Rich Lachowsky

"Zermatt, a champion once crowned,
Their owner can't swim for he might drowned,
A mighty tiger prowls,
Zermatt will drop their bowels,
Rich against Ben, will leave Zermatt frowned!"
Rich Lachowsky

"We aren't out of this yet, because when you put that food on the back-burner, it's just simmering and it tastes better. When you got that food on the front burner, that's the one you're paying attention to the most, and that's the one that might burn. We're on that back-burner.”
Rasheed Wallace

"Now that I can't bear to watch basketball anymore, I'm looking forward to spending more time with my kids. It's a good thing, too, because I found out that while I was following the Kings my wife had like three or four more of them. I can't wait to get to know them, learn their names, and so on. So thank you, Steve Nash and Greg Oden, for underachieving this year. You've given me back my family."
Lenny Lorenzo

"We hereby issue a solemn warning to any fans who are considering not attending games or purchasing league-related merchandise that they will suffer long-term negative effects, such as unfamiliarity with new players and the embarassment of wearing apparel with outdated logos."
Phil Jackson

"You know? You're right. To celebrate, I think we'll go out to Dairy Queen and almost eat a peanut buster parfait. After all, we did almost move up in the standings. That's been our goal all along: to almost make the playoffs."
Ben Gordon

"I'd say Gordon was almost the hero of the series, considering all those shots he almost made. Maybe Coach Tru should think about almost signing him to a contract extension."
Devin Harris

"We see how the graduations of the energy undervalue the Igs this week! We are ready to take in any assistant, and oh, on purpose Abominable, good luck takes that us for first! It has has!"
Fran Hopkin

"Your prestigious members have voted us to the #1 spot three times in our franchise history—once early in the 06-07 season and twice this year. While this accomplishment may seem like a good thing, we who are experts at finding the negative in otherwise positive scenarios, contend that it is not."
Sundancer Nation

"Unlike Deseret News movie critic Jeff Vice's unflapping composure in the presence of stars like Tom Hanks or Forest Whitaker, we seem to get a bit flustered when we are awarded #1."
Sundancer Nation

"As fans, we prefer to root for the wily underdog (not to be confused with THE Underdogs)."
Sundancer Nation

"The recipe is really quite simple. Just take some oj, take same mayo, boo-hay, you got yourself some OJ Mayo Jam."
OJ Mayo

"Jefferson has been the difference between Zermatt being just 'pretty good' and 'slap-ya-mama good'."
Associated Press

"You couldn't intentionally tear someone's ACL if you tried a hundred times. And I should know."
Kobe Bryant

"Kobe is a jerk of the highest order."
Ben Barnes

"I've played before sparse crowds in Salt Lake before. And there have been times when the SnowBees players—and even the nacho vendors—showed up late. But usually there's at least a two-inch column in the paper about the SnowBees, often written by an intern and buried on the last page of the sports section, sandwiched between a teeth-whitening ad and an article about Utah State."
LeBron James

"I swear the tall one smelled like Dirk Nowitzki. But I can't say for sure because of those sunglasses. I guess it could have been anyone."
Paul Millsap

"Hooray! I LOVE revenge!"
Truman Barnes

"We do have a gameplan for when Yao goes down, and we tried a little bit of everything, from building large ridges of earth around Rigby's basket to giving Joe Johnson of our wine that he might become exceedingly drunken—but he wouldn't fall for it."
Kevin Garnett

"I guess I finally just realized that having eyebrows does not a great basketball player make—being good at basketball does. Though I think Memo derives some sort of Samson-like power from his."
Charlie Villanueva

"That is my favorite kind of deal. Assuming I am on the lopside, that is."
Dave Barton

Magic Johnson is definitely pro-sunshine

"Some league experts have speculated that not having Richmond in their rear view mirror (closer than they appear) might prompt something other than Udorn's special brand of complacency in the face of adversity that team devotees have come to embrace like a soft pillow. But never fear, now the Kings sit only 3.5 games behind them, giving the Jai-Rai plenty more opportunities to not capitalize on in the few remaining weeks of the regular season."
Associated Press

"At times, it seemed that both Bayside and Nephi were going to blink, trying to leap from their metaphorical tractor like Kevin Bacon in the 80's classic Footloose. But their proverbial shoelaces of common sense were caught on the tractor's gas pedal of thrills, and they both kept getting pulled back on for more."
Associated Press

"All professional athletes have a switch somewhere on their body. The better you are playing, the bigger your switch gets, thus allowing you to 'turn it on and off at will' as they say."
Dwyane Wade

"No one is going to wear a 'Regular Season Conference Champions' t-shirt. What? You were all thinkin' it!"
Luis Scola

"Hey, just remember that anything is possible."
Marquis Daniels

"It's over, guys! Get them a body bag, yyyeeeah!!!"
Rajon Rondo

"Nazi Germany was more successful economically and slightly more trusting of its citizens. Or, at least, that's how I imagine it, lacking any firsthand experience."
Deep Threat

"Some people might call that a problem, but I say that a problem is just an opportunity in work clothes. If you can get your problem to put those work clothes in the laundry, take a good shower, and put on something more stylish, like an expensive Italian suit and wing-tip shoes, purchased on credit, and then maybe find him a white-collar office job filing papers and answering his cell phone all day instead of getting his clothes dirty doing real work, then maybe that problem can become upwardly mobile and qualify for a high-interest mortgage on a house that's bigger than he needs. Then he can have the illusion of wealth without really having to earn it. This is why America is called the Land of Opportunity."
Dwight Howard

"You got a problem with that? I dare you to say something. I haven't fined anybody in a while. And we all know that in this economic climate, I could use the extra dough."
Ben Barnes

"So I just want to stress that this loss is not my fault. It's daylight saving's fault. Seriously, whose hairbrained idea was that anyway? Benjamin Franklin's? He's never had any good ideas."
Kobe Bryant

"I'm definitely pro-sunshine, generally speaking. The important thing is that I'm perceived as charismatic and gregarious. You may want to call Magic Johnson and find out where he stands on daylight savings, and then just report that I agree with Magic."
Kobe Bryant

"'What about his social life?' was a question we heard a lot. And it's a legitimate concern. If he skips 2nd grade and goes straight into WFBL management, where is he going to learn how to question authority, make fun of people who are different, shirk responsibility for his actions, and seek the path of least resistance—all important skills that he will need when he enters the 'real world'?"
Mommy Barnes

"Steve Nash is a banana brain. Look! I'm Steve Nash: 'Duh, duh, can I pway basketbauw wiff you guyz? Just don't bump me, cuz my bones awe bwittowl.'"
Al Harrington

"I did injure a player or two and, um, for that I am very sorry and deeply regretful. And although it was the culture back then, and, uh, the Wasatch Front Basketball League overall was very... I'm just, I just feel that, um, you know, I'm just sorry. I'm sorry for that time. I'm sorry to my fans. I'm sorry for my fans in Twin Falls."
Kobe Bryant

"Can't you fix my hip with that thing you do? You know, with the clapping and the rubbing, and the hey hey hey, my hip feels better?"
Dwyane Wade

"I'm actually not that into basketball. To be honest, I haven't really watched a WFBL game start to finish all season. But even I can tell you that the SnowBees stink."
Phil Jackson, Chair of WFBL Playoff Selection Committee

"Can I get a boo-hay?"
Dave Barton

"In fact, I daresay that Zermatt's Concludings title is slightly tainted by the fact that they didn't have to play the resurgent SnowBees in the playoffs. There will always be an asterisk next to their name in the history books, and if you follow that asterisk down to the bottom of the page, it will say, 'Did not play Salt Lake in postseason.' Fans will just have to draw their own conclusions from that."
Ted Barnes

"Four straight Concludings appearances. Three WFBL titles are three WFBL titles. And unless your name rhymes with "Lost his house key", winning a championship is no accident."
Associated Press

"No longer will every story about the Strats be prefaced with 'remember how bad they were last year?' Now it will be 'remember how good they were last year after being so bad the year before?'"
Associated Press

"Jackson, who has shown he can hang with the best of them in his two years in the league, has a shoo-in keeper selection in high-key Danny Granger. He can only hope that the player many are calling Shawn Marion 2.0 doesn't download a virus and crash like the original version."
Associated Press

"Nice dunk, but Shawn Bradley would have dunked it behind his head and held on the rim a bit longer for emphasis."
Unnamed St. George Fan

"If the Rigby Trojans' last-place 2008 finish was a debilitating accident wherein they lost all use of their limbs, the 2009 season was their first wobbly step after doctors told them they'd never walk again. "
Associated Press

"Which Lachowsky will show up next season? The one whose apathy led to last or second-to-last place finishes in three of four seasons? Or the one whose apathy led to a Concludings Title?"
Associated Press

"There is no way I can give you O'Neal or Horford. We are talking about Rudy Gay, not some low key guy."
Devin Jackson

2008-2009 WFBL TEAM RECAPS

2009-04-22T07:46:00.008-06:00

YOUR SEASON'S OVER. NOW WHAT, EXACTLY?

You thought we'd forgotten, didn't you? While we admit it's hard to get too excited about recapping another WFBL season where your team didn't win the Concludings (A-Boms excluded), we also know that those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. One great thing about this league (and there are so, so many great things) is that regardless of how your team did this season, tomorrow is another day. What is there to look forward to, you ask? Well, besides 2009-10 marking the WFBL's 5th season, a bumper crop of talent will be released into the draft. LeBron? Kobe? Paul? Dirk? Yao? They could be yours.

ZERMATT ABOMINABLES

The Zermatt Abominables have won back-to-back titles. We can safely say that's been reported. But did you know that Commisioner Barnes's three titles (don't forget the Magna Township Underdogs, friends) all had one common component? That's right: Chris Paul. Even as a rookie, Paul contributed down the stretch for the Commish's team in 2007. What will Barnes do now that the chances of landing the reigning EBP are equal to that of every other team? Rig the Draft Lottery? Swing another embarassingly one-sided trade? Many wouldn't put it past him. Barnes' hunger for victory is exceeded only by his thirst for the blood of his opponents. If 2009 was the season the rest of the league banded together to keep the Commish from winning another title (y'all failed, by the way), next season will undoubtedly be the season the league comes together to keep Chris Paul out of Zermatt. But CP3 or no CP3, it would be foolish to count out the Commish next season. And not just because he's the Commish (and really, who knows what shennanigans go on behind closed WFBL front-office doors), but also because four straight Concludings appearances are four straight Concludings appearances. Three WFBL titles are three WFBL titles. And unless your name rhymes with "Lost his house key", winning a championship is no accident.

PARK CITY SUNDANCERS

As Chris Bosh "prophesied" at the start of the season, the Park City Sundancers finally cast off the shackles of being so-so this year, earning the #1 seed in the playoffs by virtue of having the top regular season record in the league. Unfortunately, the Sundancers came up just short in the Concludings to the Zermatt "Evil Empire" Abominables (who are quickly finding themselves at the top of numerous "Most Hated Fake Franchise in all of Pretend Sports" polls [ed. note: 2nd only to the Brigham City Aswangs]).

Though their dream of winning their first championship was shattered, Park City is already looking to next year and fantasizing about their one in six chance of snagging a top 2 pick in the draft. It's not going to be pretty for the rest of the league if the Dancers are able to add Lebron James or Chris Paul along side Dwyane Wade. Such a fortuitous turn of events would give the 'Dancers two of this year's top three EBP candidates in their starting lineup next season. "You know, either Chris Paul or Lebron would be totally awesome," disclosed Park City owner Dave Barton, "but ideally, we'd prefer to get Paul. I can think of no better way of sticking it to Zermatt, and really, isn't that what it's all about?"

The rest of the league is now free to nod in agreement.

TWIN FALLS GATORS

It's an end of an era in Twin Falls. Despite winning his only EBP and Concludings Title as an Underdog, it's hard to not think of the Gators when thinking of the Mamba. Perhaps this is precisely what Shaun Adams and the 3rd-place Gators need. A new beginning. A fresh start. While the face of the franchise will change, one thing that Twin Falls brass are touting will change things for the better is that team headquarters will actually be in Twin Falls next year. No more long commutes from Brigham City!

Whatever surprise the Draft Lottery brings, when it comes to the Gators—to quote the immortal Allen Iverson—"one thing's for sure, two thing's for certain": Adams will have his team ready to compete every night, hating everything about the Abominables along the way.

LOS IGUANAS DE MARACAIBO

"The road to the Concludings Title goes through Maracaibo!"

Those were the words of Iguanas coach Fran Hopkin, when asked to sum up his time as coach of the perennial late-season chokers. A simple look at the past three years' official web sites reveal that, indeed, it does. In both 2007 and 2009, the Iguanas lost to the eventual Concludings victor. In 2006 (as the Weber Mexican Hairless) and 2008, the Iguanas were at or near the top of the standings all season long before flaming out near the end, costing themselves a higher seed.

Despite all of this, you'll never hear anything but optimism from Hopkin. And while it must be considered a disappointment to have who many (but not this web site) consider to be the greatest basketball player alive—LeBron James—and fail to win a title, Los Iguanas can be counted on to be back to their old tricks. Their old tricks of an awesome first 3/4 of the season, with another humiliating, predictable flameout.

NEPHI STRATAGEM

If anything, The Nephi Stratagem's successful sophomore campaign finally puts some distance between the franchise and their horrific first season. In 2009-10, no longer will every story about the Strats be prefaced with "remember how bad they were last year?" Now it will be "remember how good they were last year after being so bad the year before?" I kid.

Indeed Justin Banks, Yao Ming and co. acquitted themselves nicely en route to a respectable 5th place finish. One can only speculate how far they would have gone with a healthy Kevin Garnett, who, future drafters beware, has been making a habit of pulling up lame down the stretch the last few years. As for star shooting guard Brandon Roy, he continues getting better and better. Roy hoisted this team on his shoulders for much of the season, and looks to continue carrying the load as he is currently the frontrunner to be the Strats keeper for 2009-10.

UDORN JAI-RAI

2009 was precisely what the Jai-Rai needed. They already had low expectations from choking away a playoff spot in 2008, so making the playoffs more than satisfied Udorn fans. In fact, coach Devin Jackson called reaching the postseason for the first time their "greatest accomplishment". With that out of the way, what lies in store for the Jai-Rai? Deron Williams, their best player from the last two seasons, is in no way guaranteed to be back. But now that fans have tasted the playoffs, will they cry "EPIC FAIL" if that benchmark is not at least matched?

Time will tell. The good news? Jackson, who has shown he can hang with the best of them in his two years in the league, has a shoo-in keeper selection in high-key Danny Granger. He can only hope that the player many are calling Shawn Marion 2.0 doesn't download a virus and crash like the original version.

ST. GEORGE UNDERDOGS

Shortly after receiving his barf bag—I mean, tote bag—for winning the 2008-09 WFBL Consolation tournament, St. George Underdogs owner Truman Barnes set right to the very important work of going outside and digging holes in the back yard, riding his scooter, feeding ducks, throwing snails into the street, and roughhousing with his brother. Of course, this demanding schedule has made him unavailable to comment on the 08-09 season, but U-Dogs center Dwight Howard, whose two-year contract with St. George has expired, seems to have plenty of time on his hands, so he eagerly agreed to a brief interview:

AP: Will it be hard to leave St. George?

DH: Not really. I mean, I had some good times, but I'm looking forward to playing someplace where the demographics are, well, a bit younger. I was getting a bit tired of the fans here always comparing me to players who've been dead for several years. All I ever heard was "George Mikan would have made that free throw" or "Nice layup, but Wilt Chamberlain would have dunked that" or "Nice dunk, but Shawn Bradley would have dunked it behind his head and held on the rim a bit longer for emphasis" or "Nice block, but Shaquille O'Neal would have blocked it so hard that it would have gone all the way across the court into our basket for three points, and then he would have intimidated the ref into calling a shooting foul and converted the four-point play." Wait, is Shaq still alive?

AP: No, not really.

DH: Anyway, I'd like to play for a team like Udorn or Maracaibo where the basketball memory doesn't go so far back into prehistory. That said, I'll miss Truman and his pregame hugs. I've heard that other owners don't do that, so that'll be an adjustment. Maybe I can convince them to try it.

AP: Could you comment on this past season and how the Underdogs went from contenders in 07-08 to completely irrelevant in just one year?

DH: Well, you know, not everyone can contend for the championship every year unless your owner happens to be the league commissioner. That's just the way the game of basketball goes. This isn't duck-duck-goose, you know—this is basketball. Now, if it WERE duck-duck-goose, THAT would be a different story. We played duck-duck-goose a few times during practice. Super funtastic!

AP: What advice do you have for any WFBL players who may find themselves in U-Dog uniforms next season.

DH: Brush up on your World War II history, because I guarantee you'll get questions about it. And Truman will do jumping chest bumps with you, but he can't jump very high, and take a little mustard off it or you'll knock the poor little guy on his hiney. And remember that you run counter-clockwise in duck-duck-goose.

NEW YORK KINGS

Some people, most of whom don't know anything, might look at the New York Kings' 2008-09 season and consider it a failure (yes, I'm talking about you). True, the Kings missed the playoffs for the second straight year, and true, making the playoffs is an accepted measurement of success in professional sports. But as eight-year-old Kings owner TJ Barnes well knows, whenever you don't seem to be succeeding according to established rules, all you have to do is change the rules.

"It's true that we didn't win a lot of games this year," admits Kings guard Paul Pierce. "And winning is important to a lot of people. But as Coach TJ has reminded us all season, even more important is the fact that a lot of players on our team have cool names."

What other team in the history of sports could boast a player whose name means "baby" (Nene) and a player with a candy bar named after him (Carmelo Anthony)? Well, I mean besides the Yankees when they had Babe Ruth.

OK, but did the Yankees also have a player whose name means "puncture with a sharp object" (Pierce)? And those are just the starters. Add Kevin Love, AK47, and Beno Udrih, and the 08-09 Kings may just be the deepest cool-names team ever.

Unfortunately, per league rules all but one of those players must be exposed to free agency, albeit against their will. But there's a chance that TJ could reacquire all of them except Steve Nash, whose name is not particularly cool and who, after three years in New York, has pretty much worn out his welcome. That opens up a roster spot for the much-coveted Allen Iverson, whose name, TJ has keenly observed, kind of looks like "alien invasion." Most owners, of course, don't notice things like that, because all they look at is statistics like points and turnovers and blah blah blah. But that's what sets TJ apart from most owners, who, like I said, don't know anything.

SALT LAKE SNOWBEES

In most of the hemispheres represented by the WFBL, it's springtime. After a long, cold, lifeless winter, those first brave buds of hope are just now venturing out of the newly thawed ground, timid at first but soon bold with color—tiny, elegantly dressed sentries proclaiming that while the winter was bitter, the future is bright.

The ancient Mesopotamians, Persians, and Egyptians were all known for their sacred rites of spring, so it stands to reason that the WFBL—itself a world-dominating civilization ruled by a tyrant—would hold similar rituals this time of the year.

In Zermatt, Switzerland, where spring lasts approximately 16 minutes, this consists mainly of gloating about another championship. But in Salt Lake City, home of the unassuming SnowBees, spring is a time to be thankful that another long, cold lifeless WFBL season is finally over. It's a time for shedding the lifeless players who, like dead vegetation, have cumbered the team's soil all winter, and, with a roster nearly empty of talent but a heart full of hope, look to the future.

Yes, hopes springs eternal in Salt Lake. No matter how bad the winter was—and it's been pretty bad the past few years—spring always comes, and with it the chance that maybe, just maybe, all of the good players will end up in Salt Lake, and they won't ever get injured, and the Beekeeper won't make any bonehead trades.

So enjoy spring, Salt Lake. Feel the rebirth all around you. Immerse yourself in life. Life. Life gives life to life. Feel it inside you. Breathe it in. Breathe Shawn Marion out.

And try not to think about the fact that, just like spring, winter always comes too.

RIGBY TROJANS

If the Rigby Trojans' last-place 2008 finish was a debilitating accident wherein they lost all use of their limbs, the 2009 season was their first wobbly step after doctors told them they'd never walk again. Pretty amazing that they are even moving, but at the same time, still just one step.

There were big performances for Rigby this season—wins over Marcaibo and Nephi, a tie against Park City—as well as demoralizing losses—1-8 to RIchmond, 1-7-1 to both Twin Falls and Salt Lake—but the lessons learned can only help them. Take into account that Nathan Wallace's consultant/girlfriend Laiken will have a full season under her belt, and all signs point up for the Commish's brother-in-law. Rumors are swirling that Rigby brass has their eyes on Vince Carter as their keeper, and if true, the Trojans may be ready to take that next logical step...um...which in this comparison, would be another step.

RICHMOND BUTCHERS

The husband/wife team of Diana and Ben Edgell teamed up to give us their season review:

Yeah, that about sums it up.

BAYSIDE TIGERS

In one of his patented, rare phone interviews, Rich Lachowsky quelled all rumors that he'll be selling his team next season by boldly declaring his plans to return to...ahem..."coach" the Bayside Tigers back to their 2007 glory. Now this reporter's no Bayside Tiger fan, but one has to think the enthusiasm for this announcement is being tempered just a bit, don't you? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I doubt the Mayor of Bayside's got any plans to hold a parade at this news or anything like that.

Regardless, Lachowsky presses on. The Commish no doubt is happy to have all the "Original Four" owners competing in next year's 5th Anniversary Season. But which Lachowsky will show up next season? The one whose apathy led to last or second-to-last place finishes in three of four seasons? Or the one whose apathy led to a Concludings Title? If the fact that this reporter had to tell him who his starting five was gives you any sort of indication, it'll be another long season in southern California.

2009 WFBLies

2009-04-08T05:45:00.005-06:00

LEAGUE HANDS OUT ANNUAL AWARDS

Chris Paul presents a custom "Obamanables" jersey to the Commander-in-Chief.

If the Commish posts an April Fool's Day joke about Keepers-For-Life and no one reads it, did it actually happen? Something to ponder as you read over this years WFBLy winners.

Make sure to click the links on "Article" and "Photoshoppery" of the Year.

EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR
DAVE BARTON, PARK CITY SUNDANCERS

Winner of the hotly-contested Wasatch Conference regular and post-season titles, Barton takes home the prestigious WFBLy for best executive. He assembled arguably the best and deepest team in the league, and in any other week would have taken home the Concludings title. In any other week.

Runner-Up: Justin Banks, Nephi Stratagem

ARTICLE OF THE YEAR
"WADE, DANCERS WAX OFF KOBE, GATORS FOR WASATCH TITLE"
DAVE BARTON, WEEK 21

The coveted Article of the Year WFBLy is finally pried from the grip of Ted Barnes, the only winner of the award until now. Barton's always been full of 80's pop-culture references, and when Wade came back from injury to defeat the hated Mamba and his band of Twin Falls ruffians, well, it was a perfect literary storm.

Runner-Up: "'Twas the Week Before Christmas", Ben Barnes, Week 8

PHOTOSHOPPERY OF THE YEAR
"MAMBA'S LOCKER AND TO-DO LIST"
BEN BARNES, WEEK 14

New to the WFBLies this year, the award for most creative photoshoppery goes to the Commish and his spot-on representation of Kobe Bryant's locker, where it was unveiled to the league what's really on the Mamba's to-do list. "Laugh at things that aren't funny" anyone?

Runner-Up: "Wade-San", Dave Barton, Week 21

BEST DRAFT PICK
PAUL MILLSAP, LOS IGUANAS DE MARACAIBO
10th ROUND (113th PICK)

No one did more for their team while being picked at such a late stage in the draft than Maracaibo's Paul Millsap. Not only did he keep the Iguanas in first during the absence of injured Carlos Boozer, he did it so well that he made the All-Star team. Well played, Mr. Hopkin.

Runner-Up: Nate Robinson, Park City Sundancers
10th Round (119th Pick)

BEST WAIVER PICK-UP
NENE, NEW YORK KINGS

As soon as the A-Boms dropped Nene during Week 1, TJ Barnes was there to scoop him up. Who knew the Brazilian phenom would end up being the starting center on the World Conference All-Star team? Not Commisioner Barnes, that's for sure! We tried to reach the A-Bom coach to ask him whether he regrets having dropped Nene, but he told us he couldn't hear us, he was busy polishing his Commisioner Barnes trophies.

Runner-Up: Andrea Bargnani, Park City Sundancers

DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR, TEAM
SALT LAKE SNOWBEES

Forget the #2 preseason Power Ranking and the 9th place finish for a moment. Yes, that's one reason we're so very disappointed. But for a team returning Dirk Nowitzki and lucking out with the #1 draft choice, we expected much better.

Runner-Up: Bayside Tigers

DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR, PLAYER
SHAWN MARION, SALT LAKE SNOWBEES

Speaking of #1 draft picks, Shawn Marion—formerly known as "the Matrix", formerly known as an All-Star EBP, formerly known as a good player—runs away with this year's award. It's not all Ted's fault that the SnowBees picked Marion over the likes of, um, everyone—part of the blame falls on ESPN. One wonders how the SnowBees' season would have turned out with Wade in their backcourt...

Runner-Up: Allen Iverson, Zermatt Abominables (traded to Richmond Butchers, see below)

MOST ONE-SIDED TRADE
DAVE BARTON, PARK CITY SUNDANCERS
KEVIN DURANT FOR LAMARCUS ALDRIDGE AND HEDO TURKOGLU

For the second straight year, Barton pulled a fast one on an unsuspecting owner, this time swindling the St. George Underdogs by getting Kevin Durant for LaMarcus Aldridge and Hedo Turkoglu. At the time it appeared to be a logical move for the struggling U-Dogs, who needed help at the PF position. But then Durant blew up and, for a stretch, was one of the top three rated players in the league. There was even talk of Durant bumping Wade as the 'Dancers keeper. Who are you going to keep, St. George? Ben Gordon?

Runner-Up: Ben Barnes, Zermatt Abominables
Andre Iguodala for Allen Iverson

MOST ROSTER MOVES
BEN BARNES, ZERMATT ABOMINABLES (17)

The mere 17 roster moves it took for the Champs to win this award again—almost half of last season's—can be attributed to the live draft, and the fact that many teams probably felt less need for wheeling and dealing. Ah, who are we kidding. This number is smaller because Barnes didn't initiate as many trades as before.

Runner-Up: Dave Barton, Park City Sundancers (11)

BEST WEEKLY TEAM PERFORMANCES

FG%—.567, Nephi Stratagem, Week 8
FT%—.921, Nephi Stratagem, Week 5
3PM—37, Los Iguanas de Maracaibo, Week 18
REB—167, St. George, Week 17
AST—100, Twin Falls Gators, Week 13; Zermatt Abominables, Week 18
STL—41, Richmond Butchers, Week 9
BLK—35, St George Underdogs, Week 3
TOS—18, Rigby Trojans, Week 9
PTS—464, Park City Sundancers, Week 19

All-time records in red.

KEEPERS FOR LIFE?

2009-04-01T09:04:00.003-06:00

NEW RULE CHANGE MAKES PAUL AN A-BOM ONCE AGAIN

Zermatt fans around the globe, including hip-hop mogul Jay-Z, have plenty to smile about after hearing the new WFBL rule.

ZERMATT (AP)—After seeing Chris Paul lead the Abominables to their second-straight WFBL title, one could only wonder what would happen to the Champs with Paul no longer in A-Bom red and black.

Well, wonder no more.

In a stunning turn of events, WFBL Commissioner/Abominables coach Ben Barnes announced Wednesday that the league's Keeper Rules, put in to effect in the 2008 season, would be changed. Instead of keeping a player for one season and then releasing him to the draft the following year, Barnes issued that, effective immediately, a team may hold on to their keeper forever.

"This actually comes as pretty good timing," said Barnes, in a move that will undoubtedly raise cries of conspiracy once again. "I was thinking about how in the world would I be able to take the A-Boms to another title without CP3. So I just decided, hey, who says I have to let him go? I'm the Commish!"

"This is great news," said Paul, this season's EBP and, until today's announcement, next season's favorite to be the number one pick in the draft. "I mean, I was really worried about having to go somewhere else. Can you imagine if someone like Salt Lake or Bayside got the number one pick next year? Man, I'm glad I don't have to deal with that!"

The change also makes it probable that players such as LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, and Dirk Nowitzki will remain with Maracaibo, Twin Falls, and Salt Lake, for the duration of their careers—or for as long as their owners can put up with them.

In other news, it was announced that the first day of April is April Fool's Day.

FINAL POWER RANKINGS

2009-03-31T21:43:00.009-06:00

AND YOU THOUGHT THE A-BOMS WERE INSUFFERABLE THIS YEAR...

Chris Paul who, barring a 2009 Draft Lottery miracle—or a patented Barnes Swindle—finishes his Abominable career with two Commissioner Barnes trophies, a Concludings EBP award, and All-Star EBP award, and a regular season EBP trophy. Not too shabby.

Quite frankly, if the Power Rankings owned a WFBL team (and we continue to insist that we do not), we'd have to throw our hands in the air in frustration and just up and quit the WFBL all together. We can imagine how it must feel to see the Commissioner win three of four Concludings titles. But the Power Rankings is weak. You, John Q. Owner, are not weak. You are not a quitter. You will come back next season with more resolve and more determination than ever. Zermatt's back-to-back titles? Just one more bit of motivation to wipe that smile off the Commish's face.

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall Record (Postseason Adjusted)

1 (3) 100-76-4
In an extremely unexpected turn of events, Chris Paul's "slacker teammates" took their EBP on their collective shoulders, leading the A-Boms to another title. This year's Concludings champs didn't dominate like last year's version, but you can't argue with the results. Can you say "three-peat"? Is that even a word?

2 (1) 100-75-5
If it makes the Sundancers feel any better, they DID go from 7th to 2nd in a year's time, which is quite the turnaround. But ultimately, one can't help but get a feeling of disappointment with the team that was top-four in the league in just about every statistical category, save turnovers. Who knows how their season would have ended had Stoudemire's eye not quit on him?

3 (4) 103-78-8
So this is how the Kobe Bryant era ends in Twin Falls. A season of slumber party rejections, a violent injury spree on the league's top players, a tell-all interview with Peter Gammons, and a third-place finish. It's hard not to wax nostalgic as the Mamba slithers away to some other unsuspecting franchise for the next two years.

4 (6) 101-83-5
It's been said before, but it bears repeating that the same thing happens every year for los Iguanas. Dominating 2/3 of the regular season, late season collapse, playoff chokery, top-5 finish. The Iguanas are who the Power Rankings thought they were!

5 (2) 97-74-9
Well it's obvious that Nephi fans have nothing to hang their heads about after going from worst in the league and trading away Chris Paul to tops in the standings for the majority of the regular season, and not making any crazy "wtf" trades (except for that Udonis Haslem fiasco, lol). Sure, the playoffs were a disappointment, but baby steps, right Nephi?

6 (5) 87-92-1
We here at the Power Rankings think that next to Nephi, Udorn made the biggest step forward this year. In their second season, the Jai-Rai made the playoffs, losing in the first round to Maracaibo. No small task considering the myriad of injuries they were dealt all season.

7 (7) 88-93-8
Next to winning the Concludings—which the U-Dogs did in the WFBL's inaugural season—is there anything better than winning that lovely tote bag? The Power Rankings offers that no, nothing is better. Mostly because of the well-documented fact that this season's tote bag-winner is next season's WFBL Concludings participant!

8 (9) 81-106-2
That's two straight Consolation Bracket (Ladder) championship losses in a row for New York. What happened to the dinosaur-themed team that made the playoffs as the fourth seed and finished fifth overall in 2007? Oh right, they changed their name soon after to the Kings, and haven't made the playoffs since.

9 (8) 95-87-7
The favorites going in to the Consolation Playoffs, the SnowBees' season ended in disappointment, regardless of how the Salt Lake media tries to spin it. It's quote a roller-coaster ride to be a SnowBee fan. 2nd place in '06, 9th place in '07, 6th place in '08, and 9th again in '09. Will Ted's team continue its streak of making the playoffs in even-numbered years?

10 (10) 76-107-6
Inconstency was the theme for Rigby this year. But hey, at least it wasn't a last-place Consolation finish like a year ago, right? The Trojans finished the season in the bottom four in five separate categories, including last place in FG% and Rebs.

11 (12) 79-108-2
Last season's surprise was much quieter this year, and one can only wonder if Diana and Ben didn't lose interest a bit after the losses just kept piling up. Yeah, admit it, you'd lose interest too. 11th place is, technically, the worst finish in Richmond's franchise history.

12 (11) 78-104-7
Is it considered "losing interest" if the interest was never really evident in the first place? As time goes by, and the losing seasons continue for Bayside, it just makes the fact that this team, under its current ownership, won the 2007 championship all the more amazing. Can you imagine if they hadn't won that year? The A-Boms can.

2009 FINAL BRACKETS

2009-03-31T21:43:00.001-06:00

2009 FINAL PLAYOFF BRACKET
Click to embiggen.

2009 CONSOLATION LADDER RESULTS

Click to embiggen.

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: CONCLUDINGS

2009-03-31T05:38:00.009-06:00

A-BOMS TAKE 2! 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT! 2 HOT 2 HANDLE! TWICE AS NICE! TAKE 2 TROPHIES AND CALL US IN THE MORNING! ZERMATT DOUBLE DIPS! GOODY 2-SHOES! 2 BIG FOR THEIR BRITCHES! ETC!

Chris Paul celebrates his second consecutive WFBL Championship for the Zermatt Abominables. Is this an end of an era for Paul and the A-Boms?

SOMEONE OTHER THAN PAUL HELPS A-BOMS TO SECOND STRAIGHT CONCLUDINGS TITLE

PARK CITY (AP)—A year ago, the Zermatt Abominables were WFBL Champions and the toast of the WFBL. Now, thanks to an unlikely 6-3 victory over favored and bitter rival Park City, the A-Boms are once again WFBL Champs.

But toast of the WFBL? That's not quite certain. While it is true that there are some corners of WFBL-dom that are no doubt partying in the street this morning, there seems to be a growing group out there that's had just about enough of the now back-to-back champs.

"I think the sentiment is 'seriously, enough with the A-Boms already'," said league spokesman Phil Jackson, who somehow escaped his cavernous holding cell at league headquarters. "Chris Paul is a wizard, Coach/Commissioner Barnes is a strategic mastermind, we get it. Really, how many ways are there to say that Zermatt is awesome? I think we're all running out. I know I am."

Indeed, Chris Paul is a wizard, overcoming a short week to hit three free throws with time running out, giving the A-Boms a closer-than-it-looks 6-3 victory. But this week was not about three-time Concludings champion Chris Paul, believe it or not. The regular season EBP was outdone by his frontcourt counterpart, Antawn Jamison, whose rebounding, threes, sharp-shooting, and low turnovers were the difference.

"I can't take all the credit, as much as I'd like to," said Jamison, who was named Concludings EBP. "It was a team effort. Iguodala had a great week, and Mike Miller stepped up big on Sunday. Mike Miller! I know, right! That took some guts from Coach to keep him in the lineup. And plus there's Big Sammy, don't forget him."

Ah yes, big Sammy, or Samuel Dalembert, for those not up on the cutesy nicknames the A-Boms give each other. Dalembert, the model of inconsistency throughout the final weeks of the season and playoffs, battled injury all week but ended up doing just enough in the end. He swatted five key blocks and sat out most of Sunday's game to help the A-Boms win.

"Coach said we really needed to win turnovers, and we all know I'm not that great at holding on to the ball," said Al Jefferson's fill-in. "So I said 'Coach if I sit out Sunday and we win can we go to Mickey D's after?' And guess what—we did win! Sweet! I love Mickey D's!"

Everyone loves Mickey D's, Big Sammy. But not everyone loves the A-Boms, a concept that may take some getting used to for Coach Barnes. "It was weird, we won this year on the road, but I was still expecting a standing ovation from the Park City crowd, or at least for the fans to stick around for the trophy presentation. Is this the point where everyone around the league turns against us? Have we now overstayed our welcome?"

Dave Barton and the Sundancers would be the first to say yes. "If I never heard another thing about stupid Zermatt and their pretty boy stooge Chris Paul, I would die a happy man," confessed Barton. "Unless I am hearing about my Sundancers swiping CP3 away from the A-Boms in next year's draft. Can I get a boo-hay?"

The Dancers fell prey to two opposing instances of "Number of Games" syndrome, starting Nate Robinson over Mo Williams on account of his extra game, then starting the "more reliable" Charlie Villanueva over the unproven Joakim Noah, despite Noah having two extra games. Both proved to be poor choices. "Aw, who cares about that shiny Concludings trophy," rationalized Sundancers standout Chris Bosh. "We have a pair of splintery old skiis hanging in our trophy case. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go be beat Charlie and Lil' Nate with them."

Whether or not the media and general public decide that enough is enough as far as the Zermatt oversaturation goes, one thing is for certain. If we think this is bad now, just wait to see what happens if the A-Boms make it three straight.

__________________________________________________________________

GATORS TAKE THIRD PLACE, ACT LIKE THAT'S SOME SORT OF ACCOMPLISHMENT

TWIN FALLS (AP)—The Twin Falls Gators eked out a squeaker of a victory against Los Iguanas de Maracaibo. Their 5-4 triumph gives the Gators third place in the WFBL, and by the way the Gators players were talking, you'd think they just won the Concludings or something (they didn't though. Zermatt did. That's two in a row for them. Pretty impressive, right?).

"We just fought so hard this year and it just feels so great to see all that hard work rewarded," said possible future former Gator Kobe Bryant, whose reward for winning third is absolutely nothing. "There's only six teams that can say they ended their season with a win, and that's something to be proud of."

While that may be true, one wonders if the Gators aren't feeling a bit of a let-down despite the victory. Not only do they have to live with the thought that their inspired play this week would have been enough to beat the Abominables, had the Gators been able to make it to the Concludings, but the one major team goal that Bryant and his teammates had all season—no playoffs for Zermatt—went about as horribly wrong as they could possibly imagine.

"Hey! Quit talking about Zermatt, already!" responded Bryant. "Man, the season is over! Why do you media types have to focus so much on the past! That was last year! This stinks! I hate all of you! Leave me alone!"

__________________________________________________________________

AROUND THE CONSOLATION LADDER

St. George, consider this tote bag your unofficial invitation to the 2010 Concludings.

Underdogs 6, Kings 3
Here's a little chicken McNugget of knowledge for you: Did you know that when St. George beat New York for the 2008-09 Consolation Tote Bag, it was the first time EVER that U-Dog owner Truman has beat arch-brother TJ and his Kings? Did you even realize this historic matchup was taking place? You weren't even paying attention, were you? I know, you were more interested in the Concludings, weren't you? Weren't you!! Fine. I see how it is. You'd rather watch Zermatt win ANOTHER championship than give some love to the little guys down here battling it out for their day in the sun. Suit yourself. Just don't expect me to recap the Consolation series for you. Nope. Sorry, Charlie. Even if you beg! You should have watched it in person when you had the chance. Just remember next season, while the A-boms are going after their three-peat, that amazing happens at the bottom of the blog entry too, OK?

Mighty SnowBees 7, Trojans 1, Anonymous 1
There are a lot of reasons to be sad about the end of the 2008-09 WFBL season. One is the prospect of six more months of gloating from Zermatt. That's probably the biggest. But another, almost as big, is that we may never know how good the SnowBees could have been. "The season just goes by so fast," observed point guard Derrick Rose. "I know 162 regular season games, plus 27 postseason games, seems like a lot. But we feel like we're just now meshing—jelling, if you will—as a team. I can't help but wonder how far we could go if only we had a few more weeks..."

Sadly, we'll never know. All we have is Salt Lake's 7-1-1 romp over Rigby in the 9th-10th place game to tantalize us. "It's too bad to end this way," said forward Tayshaun Prince. "We're just now hitting our stride—turning a corner, you might say. I really feel like this would have been the beginning of a long winning streak."

"The people I really feel bad for are the viewing public," added owner Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes, always thinking of others. "This truncated season is really a disservice to them. By not letting the SnowBees' current winning streak (which now stands at 1) play out, we're depriving them of a sense of closure. I think we should at least play New York one more time for 8th place, just to be sure. And then, I don't think the fans are convinced that St. George is really the 7th best team in the league; they need to prove it on the court against the SnowBees. In fact, I daresay that Zermatt's Concludings title is slightly tainted by the fact that they didn't have to play the resurgent SnowBees in the playoffs. There will always be an asterisk next to their name in the history books, and if you follow that asterisk down to the bottom of the page, it will say, 'Did not play Salt Lake in postseason.' Fans will just have to draw their own conclusions from that."

Butchers 5, Tigers 4
Well it looks like the Butchers don't suck as much as the Tigers do. In a season where the Wasatch dominated the World (other than the All-Star game and, ahem, the Concludings), it's fitting that the battle for last place was between two World Conference teams. And it was a doozy. Both team flirted with scoring less than 100 pts for the week. Bayside got only 10 out of 18 scheduled games from its starting lineup, while Richmond 12 of their 17. It was a horrible display and was a good cautionary tale of what can happen if you ever find yourself in the last-place game. "We didn't want to be here," said Bayside's Jason Terry, who actually played all his scheduled games this week. "I guess they wanted that 11th place finish just a little more than we did."

__________________________________________________________________

CONFERENCE CONCLUDINGS EBP WINNER
Chris Paul, Zermatt

2009 WFBL CONCLUDINGS PREVIEW

2009-03-23T21:58:00.012-06:00

PARK CITY LOOKS TO GO FROM BAG-TOTERS TO TROPHY HOLDERS, BUT THEY"LL HAVE TO PRY IT FROM THE ABOMINABLES' ICY COLD GRIP FIRST

For the third year in a row, the previous year's Tote Bag winner will be playing Zermatt for the Commissioner Barnes Trophy. Park City seeks its first ever title, while the A-Boms will try to become the first back-to-back WFBL Champion in league history.

SEASON SERIES: SUNDANCERS, 5-4-0

SEED: 1 RECORD 92-65-5

SEED: 1 RECORD: 89-70-3

FIELD GOAL%: The Sundancers' Dwyane Wade is shooting over 50%, but otherwise the Wasatch champs have been a bunch a bit erratic with their shooting lately. Not that the Abominables have been much better, and aside from the high-percentage Chris Paul, it's hard to tell what Zermatt'll do. This one's too close to call.

EDGE: TIE

FREE THROW%: The A-Boms are the fourth-worst free-throwers in the league, and, other than EBP Chris Paul, really can't rely on anyone from the foul line. Park City shot 82% for the year thanks to reliable marksmen like Kevin Durant and Chris Bosh, which should give the Dancers the makes—along with the high quantity of trips to the line—that they'll need.

EDGE:

THREE-POINTERS: The 'Dancers and A-Boms were third and fourth, respectively, in threes made for the season, but the edge here goes to Park City. The usually clutch Rashard Lewis has been so unreliable that he rides the bench for the A-Boms, while every Park City starter but Chris Bosh has been getting at least one three-pointer per game over the last 15 days.

EDGE:

REBOUNDS: One may question Mike Miller's starting lineup nod, but the small forward has averaged almost eight boards a game over the last two weeks. That, along with Dalembert and Jamison, should be enough for the A-Boms to win rebounds going away.

EDGE:

ASSISTS: If anything keeps Zermatt from winning the category they almost never lose, it'll be the fact that Paul only has three games this week. Still, Iguodala and Miller should be able to lend enough of a hand to keep Park City at bay. Unless of course Wade does his triple-double thing again...

EDGE:

STEALS: Another category the A-Boms have dominated all season long would normally be a no-brainer win for the Champs. But Wade's extra game this week, along with solid contributions across the board from the rest of the Sundancers, gives the slight edge to the challengers.

EDGE:

BLOCKS: The Abominables were next to dead last in blocks this season, as Coach Barnes usually was content to punt the category. But with the Sundancers not being the same since Stoudemire went down, Barnes brings in Dalembert to try and give Zermatt the edge. This one goes to the A-Boms, but again, don't underestimate Wade. He's been known to get a clutch block or two, am I right, Twin Falls?

EDGE:

TURNOVERS: The only category where the Sundancers didn't strive this season was turnovers. Park City turns the ball over like it's going out of style. The A-Boms don't fare too much better, but surprisingly have cut down on their turnovers as the season has gone on. In the end, the edge goes to Zermatt, because with Wade and Lil' Nate in the lineup, you can pencil in Park City for at least 24 turnovers this week from the backcourt alone.

EDGE:

POINTS: Zermatt obviously decides to punt this category with Miller and Dalembert, but really, did they have a chance? Park City was the highest scoring team all season long, averaging almost 400 points per week. Scoring machine Kevin Durant's recent return to the lineup, along with Wade's propensity to put up 50 a game from time to time should leave no doubt in this category.

EDGE:

PREDICTION: 4-4-1 TIE

And according to WFBL rules, Park City wins the tiebreaker by having the better regular-season record. But consider this: Previous-season tote bag winners are 1-1 in the Concludings. Having said that, Commissioner Barnes-led teams are 2-1 in the title game, while Dave Barton-led teams are 0-0. But don't forget, Zermatt hasn't beaten Park City since 2006. At the same time, the A-Boms own a 23-21-1 record all-time against their arch-rivals. As so often seems to be the case, this year's Championship could be decided by which team has fewer players miss games.

2009 BRACKETS—UPDATED!

2009-03-23T21:57:00.001-06:00

2009 PLAYOFFS BRACKET—CONCLUDINGS
Click to embiggen.

The Strats take 5th place with their victory over the Jai-Rai.

2009 CONSOLATION LADDER—RD 3

Click to embiggen.

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: CONFERENCE CONCLUDINGS

2009-03-23T21:50:00.000-06:00

"SUNDANCE KID" HELPS PARK CITY REACH FIRST-EVER CONCLUDINGS; A-BOMS BEAT IGS WHEN IT COUNTS, MOVE ON TO THIRD STRAIGHT CONCLUDINGS

WADE, DANCERS WAX OFF KOBE, GATORS FOR WASATCH TITLE

PARK CITY (AP)—

MONDAY/TUESDAY - REDFORD ARENA, ALL WASATCH BASKETBALL CONCLUDINGS

The two Wasatch finalists, the Park City Sundancers and Twin Falls Gators, treat the crowd to a thrilling montage of high flying dunks, long range shots, blocks, and boards set to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around."

WEDNESDAY - TWIN FALLS LOCKER ROOM, JUST BEFORE TIP-OFF

Twin Falls holds the early lead 6-3 lead, but Park City superstar Dwyane Wade has yet to play. He is expected to make his anticipated first appearance tonight. As the team heads towards the tunnel, Gators assistant coach and Mamba Kai Sensei John Kreese pulls Al Thornton aside.

Kreese: Al, I want Wade out of commission

Thornton: But Sensei, we can beat these guys!

Kreese: I don't want them just beaten.

Thornton: But I'll get thrown out!

Kreese: Out of commission.

Kreese trains his iron eyes on Thornton. He cannot endure their searing heat. His head drops as Kreese bends him to his will. Thornton tentatively walks over to the Park City bench, jumps high in the air, and lands a flying sidekick to Wade's right hip.

Thornton: I'm sorry, Dwyane! I didn't mean it!

Wade crumples to the floor as Thornton is dragged away amid a shower of boos. The Gators have their way with the Sundancers in the absence of the EBP runner-up.

FRIDAY - PARK CITY LOCKER ROOM, A FEW HOURS BEFORE TIP-OFF

A dejected Dwyane Wade, accompanied by team consultant Kesuke "Mr." Miyagi, lies on the trainers' table, resigned to missing his second straight game after not missing a game all year.

Wade: Mr. Miyagi... you think we had a chance of winning?

Mr. Miyagi: Aye, had good chance.

Wade: Can't you fix my hip with that thing you do? You know, with the clapping and the rubbing, and the hey hey hey, my hip feels better?

Mr. Miyagi: No need play anymore. You prove point.

Wade: What, that I can take a beating? Every time I see the Gators, they'll know they got the best of me. How will I ever have balance in my life? I mean, aside from having more money than I could ever spend and being idolized by millions.

(Pause)

Mr. Miyagi: Close eye.

Miyagi's hands come together, punctuated by a dramatic music note.

FRIDAY - TIP-OFF

Wade emerges from locker room as the crowd goes wild.

Announcer: Dwyane Wade is gonna play? Dwyane Wade is gonna play! This is what it's all about, folks!

SUNDAY - REDFORD ARENA, DECIDING GAME

With their star player once again on the court to galvanize the team, Park City has cut into the Gators once insurmountable lead, now only trailing 5-4. As the Gators call a timeout to regroup, Mamba Kai Sensei John Kreese motions for his star pupil, Kobe Bryant.

Kreese: Pummel the hip...you have a problem with that?

Kobe: (scared) No, Sensei.

Kreese: No mercy.

As play resumes, Kobe cheap shots Wade several times in his bruised right hip, but the referees are distracted by Tim Duncan flailing around after getting slightly nudged by Chris Bosh, so no foul is called. Wade limps to the bench, but after a timeout, returns to the floor wearing a traditional Karate Gi. As the Gators dribble up the court with the clock running down, Wade slowly assumes the crane position under the basket by standing on one leg and lifting both arms high into the air. Kobe calls for the ball.

Announcer: 30 seconds remaining...

Rondo: It's over, guys! Get 'em a body bag, yyyeeeah!!!

Kreese: Finish them!

Kobe hears the call of his sensei and drives to the hoop. As he releases the ball, Wade leaps high in the air and blocks the shot. Frustrated, Kobe gets his own rebound and shoots it a second time. And once again, Wade leaps and bats the ball away. Time expires. Kobe stares at the scorer's table in disbelief as he sees that Wade's last two blocked shots are the difference Park City needed to win the blocks category 11-10, and thusly the series, 5-4. The Sundancer crowd storms the court in a wild rush of celebration. A tearful Kobe grabs the Wasatch Concludings trophy and personally hands it to the Sundancer hero.

Kobe: You're all right, Wade. You can be my sleepover buddy any time.

__________________________________________________________________

THIRD TIME'S THE LUCKY CHARM: A-BOMS ONCE AGAIN "GO GREEN" TO UPEND IGUANAS

LeBron, thinking he's slapping five with one of his teammates, actually greets opponent Chris Paul. The Abominables' St. Patrick Day Unis: Lucky Charms or played out merchandise grab?

ZERMATT (AP)—The Zermatt Abominables beat the Iguanas while wearing their special St. Patrick's Day green uniforms. Seriously? That's the angle again? What is this, 2007?

While it may be a familiar story (and the fact that the two teams have played each other over the March 17th holiday for three consecutive years is pretty amazing in itself), that's exactly why it's newsworthy. In a year when the Iguanas had dominated Zermatt head-to-head, the A-Boms needed all the Irish luck they could manage.

But there's much more to it this year; much more on the line then ever before, as the Abominables' 5-3-1 victory sends the defending champs back to the Concludings, and the Iguanas back to Maracaibo wondering "why?"

"Why?" wondered LeBron James, who really shouldn't be blamed for the loss. "Why can't my teammates tell the difference between lime green and forest green! I mean they are such different shades in the color spectrum, it shouldn't even be a problem! And yet here we are, again, mistaking the A-Boms for our own players."

Indeed, the Iguanas suffered the most in categories that would seem to be affected by teammate/opponent confusion: assists and turnovers.

"Besides the obvious, well-documented fact that we struggle with our turnovers when all the players on the court are wearing green," continued James, "there were times when we probably would have passed it to the open man, but instead decided not to risk it and would just take jumpers. This is ridiculous. No offense to Maracaibo, but next year, I hope someone with red or blue uniforms drafts me. This is nonsense."

"People may think that we use St. Patrick's week as an opportunity to trick our opponents, or as an excuse to sell more merchandise" said 2009 EBP Chris Paul, whose #3 uniform is the top-seller in the league (1 item sold). "And while the results cannot be ignored, we want to make sure everyone knows we have noble intentions with wearing our green jerseys."

"Not only do we honor the Swiss-Irish that so heavily populate the Zermatt area," added Antawn Jamison. "But it's our way of letting people know that we care about the environment. You see, by wearing green uniforms and telling everyone we're 'going green', we let the world know that we care about our planet. It's much easier to do this, instead of something that would actually help the environment, like planting a tree, car-pooling to the arena, or, oh I dunno, moving all the teams to the same continent/country/state to save on jet fuel."

"Now let's not be silly," chimed in Coach/Commissioner Barnes, who will be coaching his fourth Concludings in four years. "We'd never be able to get every team to move to Europe, much less Switzerland! Green jerseys it is!"

__________________________________________________________________

STRATS GO FROM WORST TO 5TH; JAI-RAI HONORED FOR AWESOME LOGO

The season came to an end for the Nephi Stratagem and Udorn Jai-Rai this week, and it couldn't have come in more fitting fashion—for both teams. Nephi found a way to secure 5th place (a respectable finish for last year's laughing stock), while once again dealing with a gimpy small forward (Marquis Daniels). The position has been a proverbial black hole all season that Daniels, Tracy McGrady, Ron Artest, Ryan Gomes, Andres Nocioni, Kelenna Azubuike, and Mike Dunleavy have all attempted to fill without much success. This is clearly an indication that everything Tracy McGrady touches withers up and dies (that sound you just heard was all of McGrady's previous owners grumbling their approval).

Udorn, meanwhile, lost 5-4 for the league record 9th time this season. And while Jai-Rai fans throughout Thailand will no doubt hang their heads, there is a reason to be upbeat. It was recently announced that the Jai-Rai "U-Snake" secondary icon has been selected for a "remarkable new LogoLounge project, the first book in the new Master Library series."

The Master Library series of books focuses on award-winning logos from around the world, grouped into specific categories. The ubiquitous emblem of Udorn will be included in the "Initials & Crests" book, due out next year.

"See, that totally makes up for our 6th-place finish," said injured small forward and possible keeper candidate Danny Granger. "All anyone ever hears about is Zermatt this, Park City that, Twin Falls this, Maracaibo that. But are their logos going to be included in a book? I don't think so!"

"You can have your custom jersey," said an unnamed source close to the team, who may or may not have been owner Devin Jackson. "We'll take the world-wide recognition and 3 inch by 3 inch space in a book you never knew existed, thank you very much!"

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AROUND THE CONSOLATION LADDER

Underdogs 5, SnowBees 4
the UNDERDOGS won against the FROZENBEES! because the UNDERDOGS are better! Ben gordon scored 4 shoots and Devin Harryus scored 1 shoot. When asked how he scored so much in only one game, ben gordon said, "Um, I'm good?" the UNDERDOGS now will play the KINGS for the tote bag, and the UNDERDOGS will win cause they're the best!

Kings 4, Tigers 4, Nobody 1 (actually the Kings 1—get it?)
AMAZING WIN!!! As you can see it was a tie, at first. But then, since the Kings are kings, they made a law that only the Kings can win in the league. And when it faces Underdogs, the Kings will make their law bigger!

Of course Al Harrington, since he stayed out, he's gettin some rest for the game against Underdogs! Steve Nash is doing his best, but he needs some rest, like Al Harrington (hey, that rhymes!). Although, Al harrington might have gotten dizzy from watching Steve Nash play so amazingly that he thinks Steve Nash should be the king of the Kings or the Player of the Week. And Stephen Jackson should be the Player of the Weak! Steve Nash said, "Al Harrington's right."

Trojans 5, Butchers 4
Playing out the end of a grueling season-long debacle is no fun for anyone, especially Rasheed Wallace. That's why Sheed decided to sit this week out, as his Rigby Trojans narrowly escaped having to play in the 11th-12th place game. The Trojans' 5-4 victory now means Sheed can sit out their 8th-9th place game against Salt Lake as well. But what, pray tell, was Sheed doing instead of helping his team to victory? Why, volunteering at the Farnsworth TV Pioneer Museum, of course! Wallace took townsfolk and other visitors on in-depth guided tours of the local hot-spot, all the while informing the good people of the grand benefits of the television. He then read a TV Guide to local school children and helped Mr. Johnson with his potato crops. Because, you see, the WFBL Cares. "It was pretty emotional for me," said Wallace, enjoying a Bambino at a local eatery. "I'm a pretty emotional cat."

ROUND ONE EBP WINNER
LeBron James, Maracaibo

CONFERENCE CONCLUDINGS PREVIEW

2009-03-17T05:28:00.003-06:00

WASATCH CONFERENCE CONCLUDINGS

Did you know that last season was the first time the top two seeds did NOT meet in the WFBL Concludings? The Gators look to continue that trend by making it back-to-back Concludings appearances.

SEASON SERIES: TIED, 9-9-0

SEED: 3
RECORD: 89-66-7
OUTLOOK: We've said it once, we'll say it again: never count out Kobe in the WFBL Playoffs. In both seasons that his teams have made it to the playoffs, they've reached the Concludings. Al Thornton and Gerald Wallace get the nod over J-RIch and Shaq, but this week the big question mark is PG. Rajon Rondo was the Gators' best point before he went down to injury. Will he be back at full strength, and will that even be enough?

SEED: 1
RECORD: 92-65-5
OUTLOOK: The only other time the Sundancers started Andrea Bargnani was in a 7-2 Week 13 loss to the Gators. Thanks to the Amar'e injury and Villanueva's short week, Park City is going to have to take that chance. We all know what Wade can do, as the EBP runner-up has been playing out of his mind lately. The wild card for the 'Dancers is All-Star Kevin Durant, returning to the lineup after being out since Week 18. If Durant can stay in the game all week, expect Park City to take this one, despite having fewer games.

PREDICTION: 6-3

WORLD CONFERENCE CONCLUDINGS

Fun fact: The A-Boms are looking for their third straight Concludings appearance, while Coach Barnes is looking for his fourth. The Igs, however, hope to reach the title game for the first time, via what would be their third victory over Zermatt this season.

SEASON SERIES: IGUANAS, 13-5-0

SEED: 2
RECORD: 88-70-4
OUTLOOK: The Igs get the chance to take down the A-Boms when it counts, and LeBron James' recent play should be very encouraging for 'Caibo fans. Short weeks for Boozer and Okur mean Okafor and Big Z will need to step in and carry the load. The Igs have owned Zermatt this season; can they make it three-for-three?

SEED: 1
RECORD: 89-70-3
OUTLOOK: The A-Boms are the playoff veterans, with last year's Concludings and this year's regular season EBP Chris Paul heading the charge. Paul we know about, but what of Zach Randolph, Al Jefferson's fill-in? And Mike Miller subbing for Concludings vet Rashard Lewis has us scratching our heads. But even so, it's just so hard to count the Abominables out, especially if they bust out their St. Patrick's Day Green alternates (a Zermatt-Maracaibo tradition).

PREDICTION: 5-4

2009 BRACKETS—UPDATED!

2009-03-17T05:26:00.001-06:00

2009 PLAYOFFS BRACKET—CONFERENCE CONCLUDINGS
Click to embiggen.

2009 CONSOLATION LADDER—RD 2

Click to embiggen.

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: ROUND ONE

2009-03-17T05:22:00.001-06:00

IGS, LEBRON TOO MUCH FOR JAI-RAI; SHAQ'S SHARP-SHOOTING SQUASHES STRATS' SHINY SLIPPER

James and the Iguanas ran roughshod over Horford and the Jai-Rai. Maracaibo now moves on to face arch-nemesis Zermatt in the World Conference Concludings.

JAI-RAI CAN'T REPEAT UPSET PERFORMANCE, FALL TO IGUANAS

MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—LeBron James had the best playoff performance of his career, and los Iguanas de Maracaibo ran past the overmatched Udorn Jai-Rai by a score of 6-3.

Indeed, it was simply too much LeBron for the Jai-Rai to handle. "Man, he was everywhere," said a frustrated Deron Williams, who was really looking forward to playing against Chris Paul again. "He's in the paint, dunkin' on our heads; he's downtown, nailing a triple; he's in our backcourt, swiping the rock; the assists, rebounds, blocks...he had it all."

"I just try to go out there and play my game, you know?" said last year's EBP and this year's third-place finisher. "I give no apologies. My game smells like awesome with just a slight hint of devastation. That's how I roll."

The Jai-Rai, fresh off of a stunning 6-3 victory over these same Iguanas in Week 19, had hoped for more of the same luck, as they trotted out the same lineup from the previous match-up. The difference? Some guy named Delonte West.

"Okay fine, I'll take the heat," said West. No, not David West, he plays for Richmond. Delonte West. "I had a bad week, but you know, we gotta just put this one behind us, move on, and focus on moving our goal of getting to the Concludings.

"Wait, what? 5th-place game? Ah crap. Sorry fellas!"

The Iguanas, for their part, have no time to celebrate their second playoff victory in four years (first since 2007). The Abominables await, rested and ready. It's the first time the two have met in the postseason, and it no doubt will be a barnburner.

"The A-Boms may have home-court, the league EBP, and last year's title," said James. "But we're in their heads. They can't beat us this year. They won't beat us this year. And that's a guarantee!*"

*Not an actual guarantee. LeBron and the rest of the Iguanas reserve the right to play horribly and lose in the World Conference Concludings.

GATORS IGNORE SCRIPT, ELIMINATE CINDERELLA STRATS

Nice try Marquis, but we aren't buying it.

NEPHI (AP)—Nephi's newfound success this year can be partially attributed to Brandon Roy elevating his game and Yao Ming actually staying healthy, but the real key to their remarkable turnaround was Kevin Garnett, who made good on his promise to bring change to Nephi's losing culture. But when Garnett went down in week 17, Nephi's hopes of making an extended playoff run took a serious hit.

As the tip-off of their first round matchup with the Twin Falls Gators neared, it became clear that Garnett's gimpy knee wasn't going to allow him to go. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Nephi was once again forced to turn to Marquis Daniels, who, as everybody knows, does a really, really bad KG impression.

After getting the starting nod, Daniels attempted to pump up the crown by clapping some white chalk in his hands at the scorers table, and even gave each teammate a reaffirming "hey, just remember that anything is possible" speech, but he was met largely with lukewarm responses. "Give it up, Marquis," countered Tony Parker.

Give it up he soon did as Daniels shot an abysmal 28% from the field for the week. He was also limited to a paltry, un-KG-esque 15 rebounds, 4 assists, 2 steals, and 22 points.

Still, the upstart Strats were within striking distance of an unlikely 5-4 win on the final day of competition, but Kobe "Mamba" Bryant and the Twin Falls Gators apparently didn't get the memo that sports fans prefer cheering for Cinderella stories, as opposed to jerks with snake nicknames that deliberately injure opposing team's star players—loosey goosey culture notwithstanding.

While Bryant was his typical, serpentine self, the real heroes of the night were Jason Richardson and former Strats big man Shaquille O'Neal, who finished the week by shooting a combined 22/28 from the field. This Mamba-less final surge lifted the Gators to the 5-3-1 victory, effectively shattering Nephi's glass slipper.

Mamba gets a little loosey-goosey with Brandon Roy.

__________________________________________________________________

AROUND THE CONSOLATION LADDER

SnowBees 7, Kings 1, Nobody 1
Displaying a sense of passion—angst, even—that they haven't shown much this year, the Salt Lake SnowBees won their first matchup in the 2008-09 Consolation Ladder over the New York Kings by a surprisingly convincing score of 7-1-1. "We were all really disappointed when the Committee chose not to select us to participate in the playoffs this year," said point guard Derrick Rose when asked to explain where in the heck this kind of performance has been all season long. "So we decided the best way to show them that they made a mistake would be to beat up on another team that also wasn't selected. Kind of the way NIT teams do in college basketball. I'll bet those Committee members watching at home regret passing over us now!"

If that helps the SnowBees play better, so be it, because in the end the world is a better place when the SnowBees are winning. But the truth is, most members of the Selection Committee members were not impressed. In fact, Phil Jackson, chair of this year's Committee, says he didn't even see the SnowBees' victory. "I'm actually not that into basketball," he says. "To be honest, I haven't really watched a WFBL game start to finish all season. But even I can tell you that the SnowBees stink."

Underdogs 8, Butchers 1
The last time the St. George Underdogs were in a postseason series, they gave an uninspired effort and were upset in the first round. "But that can easily be explained," explains center Dwight Howard, "by the fact that last year our postseason consisted of a weird 'bracket-style' playoff, whereas this year we're part of a much-more-natural ladder-style setup."

"I'm definitely more comfortable with the ladder," agrees guard Ben Gordon, whose U-Dogs beat the Richmond Butchers by a comfortable 8-1 margin in their first-round matchup. "Those bracket thingys are kind of confusing. They look like those pedigree charts that old grannies use to fill out their genealogy. And I ain't no granny!"

"I think just the fact of playing in a ladder format inspired us to play better than we have all season," opines guard Devin Harris, who contributed an inspired 24 assists and 6 steals to the effort. "Let's face it, we've all grown up filling out ladders as our favorite teams have participated in various postseasons. As a kid you follow sports and dream about someday playing in a ladder. So obviously this is a dream come true for us."

Tigers 6, Trojans 3
We don't blame you for not paying attention to Bayside's victory over Rigby in the bottom rung of the Consolation Ladder. Just know that you missed the following: two more injuries to the Tigers (Butler and Murphy); two unexpected injuries for Rigby (Duhon and Wallace); Joe Johnson havin' himself a week (126 pts, 10 threes, 18 boards, 23 assts, 6 stls, only 6 tos to go along with 53% FG and 91% FT); and the title of "worst in the league" being temporarily handed over to the Trojans. But never fear, because if you missed this glorious match, there's a good chance they will meet again, should Bayside lose to New York and Rigby lose to Richmond this week. Here's one reporter that's praying for the rematch!

WEEK 19 EBP WINNER
Dwyane Wade, Park City

THE PLAYOFFS: WHY WE SHOULD CARE

2009-03-12T16:18:00.001-06:00

Besides being the envy of all your peers (oh yeah, and the Commissioner Barnes Trophy), here's a friendly reminder to all you playoff teams out there of what exactly it is we're playing for.

Shorts available if a jersey ain't your thing. Also available in Sundancers, Stratagem, Gators, Iguanas and Jai-Rai.

Now go get 'em!

And one more thing: The WFBL still needs $5 from each of the following teams: Jai-Rai, Butchers, Kings, SnowBees, Underdogs, Tigers, Sundancers, Trojans, Stratagem.

ROUND ONE PREVIEWS

2009-03-10T20:54:00.001-06:00

WASATCH CONFERENCE ROUND ONE

Can the Gators make another run to the Concludings? Can the Strats complete their remarkable turnaround?

SEASON SERIES: TIED, 8-8-2

SEED: 3
RECORD: 89-66-7
OUTLOOK: All-Star Mike Bibby is back in the Gators' starting lineup for the first time since Week 14. Twin Falls and Nephi match up well, but this may come down to which team's superstar is super-starrier. Don't count Kobe out in the playoffs.

SEED: 2
RECORD: 89-65-8
OUTLOOK: Why doesn't Nephi's feel-good-story feel that great? Is it the sense of impending collapse? Is it the fact that Kevin Garnett is out of the lineup yet again? Is it that Marquis Daniels and Ryan Gomes are in the starting lineup? Yes.

PREDICTION: 7-2

WORLD CONFERENCE ROUND ONE

Will the momentum the Jai-Rai gained in last week's win over Maracaibo help carry Udorn to their first ever playoff win? Will it be another early exit for the Iguanas, who have made the playoffs every year in the WFBL's history, but have never made it to the Concludings?

SEASON SERIES: JAI-RAI, 10-8

SEED: 3
RECORD: 80-81-1
OUTLOOK: The Jai-Rai hope to make a statement in their first ever trip to the WFBL playoffs. With Deron Williams dishing and David Lee rebounding, Udorn has their sights set on an upset. Can the snake-weilding monkeys make it two in a row against the struggling Iguanas?

SEED: 2
RECORD: 88-70-4
OUTLOOK: The Iguanas need to recover fast from the disappointment of another blown opportunity in the regular season. Fran Hopkin will be pulling out all the stops, as Carlos Boozer will be seeing first action since Week 4. Will the one fewer game hurt the Igs? Or will Los LeBraunas be able to keep up with the red-hot Jai-Rai?

PREDICTION: 6-3

WEEK 19 POWER RANKINGS

2009-03-10T20:53:00.001-06:00

AND HERE WE...GO!

Dwyane Wade took the Park City Sundancers from tote bag champs a year ago to this year's best regular season record.

Going in to last week, nothing had been decided as far as playoff seeding, much less "Week 19 Power Rankings". But we've made it to the end. Some of you roaring into the postseason (Park City), others limping (Maracaibo). While no team broke any records for wins, one wonders what would have happened if the WFBL had not gone to the 18 matchups over 19 weeks format. Wonder no more. Without further ado, your regular season final Power Rankings.

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (2) 92-65-5 (6-2-1)
The 'Dancers poured it on the final few weeks of the season, going 17-8-2 since the All-Star break. What we get from Park City is this year's only 90-win team. The hottest team in the league has to hope they don't cool off while they await their Wasatch Conference Concludings opponent. (Projected 21-week record: 107-77-5)

2 (4) 89-65-8 (6-3-0)
Regardless of what Nephi does in the playoffs (which depends greatly on whether or not KG returns any time soon), we think the Strats deserve a round of applause for generating such a great turnaround from last season. 2008 final record: 66-116-9. Projected 21-week total for 2009: 104-77-8).

3 (5) 89-70-3 (6-3-0)
The A-Boms and their patchwork lineup did just enough to stumble into the World's top seed. Not quite what we're used to from Zermatt, but even so, Chris Paul has taken his slacker teammates on his shoulders and into the World Concludings. (Projected 21-week record: 104-82-3)

4 (1) 89-66-7 (4-5-0)
The Gators' seven-week unbeaten streak came to a screeching halt at the paws of the Underdogs, and what was looking like a week off and a return trip to the Concludings now looks more like "road team in round one". Week 19 slip-up notwithstanding, Twin Falls has been playing some of the best basketball in the league lately. (Projected 21-week record 104-78-7)

5 (6) 80-81-1 (6-3-0)
Congratulations to Udorn on defeating the Iguanas! Their prize? A rematch in the first round, this time in Maracaibo! Not your idea of a reward? Well, for Udorn it is, as the Jai-Rai own the season series 10-8. This marks Udorn's first-ever playoff berth. (Projected 21-week record: 92-93-5)

6 (3) 88-70-4 (3-6-0)
Down, down, down the Iguanas go! Since defeating New York 6-3 in Week 11, the Igs have gone 27-34-2, including losses in five of those seven weeks. Part of the Power Rankings is even starting to feel bad for 'Caibo backers, whose life outlook, according to experts, rivals that of Cubs fans. (Projected 21-week record: 103-82-6)

7 (8) 69-85-8 (5-4-0)
The only non-playoff team to actually make good on their spoiler role, the U-Dogs complete the season sweep of the team that knocked them from the playoffs a year ago, Twin Falls. Perhaps that little nugget of information will give St. George some momentum heading into the Consolation Ladder. (Projected 21-week record: 81-100-8)

8 (7) 77-80-5 (3-6-0)
That five-week unbeaten streak now seems like only a memory. Two straight losses to close out the season put a stop to their playoff hopes, but never fear, SnowBee fans! That Tote Bag is within your grasp! (Projected 21-week record: 89-92-8)

9 (9) 73-89-0 (5-4-0)
Sure you missed out on the playoffs, after flirting for a few weeks there. But hey, at least you didn't lose to Bayside to finish the season. And you are the only team in the league to end the season without a tie. In our book, that's a success. (Projected 21-week record: 85-104-0)

10 (10) 67-90-5 (2-6-1)
That score was closer than it looks—the Trojans were threatening a 5-4 victory there for a while. If things don't shake out for you in the Consolation Ladder, we'll always remember you for that great three-week run when you beat Udorn, Maracaibo, and tied Park City! (Projected 21-week record: 79-105-1)

11 (12) 64-92-6 (4-5-0)
The Power Rankings are too lazy to look it up, but we wonder if the Tigers ever a week had all their starters actually played their full slate of games. Since we know you're too lazy to look it up too, we'll go ahead and say that no, they did not. (Projected 21-week record: 74-107-8)

12 (11) 69-91-2 (3-6-0)
In a three year sample, the Richmond Butchers franchise (aka Indiana Sand Dunes) has finished dead last (2007) third (2008) and now 10th in the regular season final standings. So the pattern tells us that Butcher fans should reserve their 2010 playoff tickets now! (Projected 21-week record: 81-106-2)

2009 EXCEEDINGLY BENEFICIAL PARTICIPANT

2009-03-10T05:35:00.001-06:00

Uh, Coach? That trophy's made of bronze, not chocolate...

ZERMATT PG MOST EXCEEDINGLY BENEFICIAL; COMMISH DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK

ZERMATT (AP)—The Chris Paul love train rolls on.

In what could quite possibly be qualified as the "closest" and "most difficult decision" in the history of the WFBL EBP race, Commissioner Ben Barnes without hesitation named Chris Paul the 2009 Exceedingly Beneficial Participant.

"I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this," said Commissioner Barnes, who I don't know if it's been pointed out, is also Chris Paul's coach with the A-Boms "But I don't care. Look at the Player Rater. Tied with LeBron for first in total numbers. First by almost 1.5 in average numbers. He's been the best individual player all season long, and now we're just making it official by giving him a bronze trophy of himself."

Chris Paul remarkably led his team to first place in the World, despite the loss of All-Star Al Jefferson. He averaged 50% FGs, 86% FTs, .8 threes, 5.3 rebs, 11.1 asts, 2.8 stls, .2 blks, 3 tos and 21.4 Pts per game, upping his stats in 6 of 9 categories from a year ago.

"That's an EBP right there," said Barnes. "You got a problem with that? I dare you to say something. I haven't fined anybody in a while. And we all know that in this economic climate, I could use the extra dough."

Coming in second by the narrowest of margins—although, when pressed, Barnes would not reveal exactly how narrow—was Park City Sundancers standout Dwyane Wade. The shooting guard had been on quite a tear lately, and was threatening to take home his first EBP. Some wonder if the quality of Wade's teammates hurt his overall chances for the award.

"Hey man, that's fine with me, CP's a great player, and he's so polite too," said Wade, who had four teammates ranked in the Player Rater's top 20, as opposed to Paul's one. "It would have been great to have a bronze statue of myself, I ain't gonna lie to you. I guess that's what I get for having great players around me. Too bad CP can't say the same. Boo-hay!"

Finishing third, right behind Wade, is last season's EBP winner, LeBron James. Early reports had James as this season's winner, had the Iguanas been able to hold on to first place in the World.

"Whatever," said James.

"This is a great achievement, and it'll look great next to my 2008 Concludings EBP trophy and my 2009 All-Star EBP award," said Paul. "But it really means nothing if we don't defend our title. Now excuse me, I've got a bye week to go enjoy. And by 'enjoy' I of course mean spend studying film on the Iguanas and Jai-Rai."

Of course it does, Chris.

2009 BRACKETS!

2009-03-10T05:32:00.001-06:00

2009 PLAYOFFS BRACKET—RD 1
Click to embiggen.

The 2009 Playoffs Bracket will be played the same as most years, with the exception being the division of teams into their respective conferences. Park City, Wasatch's #1 seed, gets a bye into the Wasatch Conference Concludings, where it will face the winner of the Twin Falls at Nephi Round 1 matchup. Zermatt, the World's #1 seed, gets a bye into the World Conference Concludings, where it waits for the Udorn at Maracaibo Round 1 winner.

The Wasatch and World will then meet in the WFBL Concludings, which this year will only be seven days long, instead of the previous years' ten days (due to the shortened schedule).

The Round 1 losers will then play each other for 5th place, and the Conference Concluding losers will face off for 3rd place.

2009 CONSOLATION LADDER—RD 1

Click to embiggen.

This year, instead of the Consolation Bracket following the format of the Playoffs Bracket, those less fortunate teams will be in what is known as the "Consolation Ladder".

This is new to the WFBL, but here's the gist: Every non-playoff team will have a game each of the three playoff weeks. The top non-playoff team (in this case, Salt Lake) will host the second-rated non-playoff team (New York) at the "top of the ladder" (or Game C1 for our purposes). The next highest teams, St. George and Richmond, will play one "rung" below (Game C2), and the final two teams, Rigby and Bayside, will play on the bottom "rung" (Game C3).

You win, you move up a rung. You lose, you move down a rung. And there you go. The tote bag awaits at the top of that ladder.

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 19

2009-03-10T05:21:00.004-06:00

STOP US IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS BEFORE: IGUANAS CHOKE AWAY FIRST-ROUND BYE, A-BOMS THE BENEFICIARY; SUNDANCERS SEIZE FIRST PLACE IN THE WASATCH

LeBron James and los Iguanas de Maracaibo once again let fortune—and quite possibly another EBP trophy—slip through their fingers. Coach Hopkin texted it best: WTF?

A-BOMS BLOW PAST BUTCHERS, BACK INTO FIRST-ROUND BYE

RICHMOND/UDORN (AP)—(WARNING: Maracaibo fans may want to skip this recap)

Thanks to upstart Udorn, the defending champion Zermatt Abominables once again snatched a first-round bye from Los Iguanas de Maracaibo. Sound familiar?

Two seasons ago, The Igs had a three game lead over their rivals as late in the season as Week 18, only to lose 6-3 to Zermatt in Week 20 and 6-3 to Salt Lake in Week 21, thereby getting dropped from first-round bye contention. A season ago, the Igs had a nine game lead on the A-Boms heading into the All-Star break, only to see that lead overtaken for good by the A-Boms in a Week 21 9-0 humiliation, a loss that again knocked the Igs from first-round bye contention.

And so the story goes. The result may be the same, but it's not about the destination, it's the journey, correct? Well this time a bit more unexpectedly, the Iguanas lost out on the coveted first-round bye in due to new depths of heartbreak. With a 2.5 game lead and first place in the World Conference seemingly in hand, 'Caibo squandered their opportunity, thanks to a 6-3 Zermatt victory over the Butchers and by themselves losing 6-3 to the Jai-Rai.

"This is a new level of choke," said Iguanas forward LeBron James, who joined the Iguanas a season ago. "The first time they were new at it, weren't really sure what they were doing. Last year I brought in my knowledge on choking, and you could see we were refining the art. But this year, my goodness."

For the first time in since Week 5, the Abominables are in first place in the World Conference. That was a week before a humiliating 8-1 loss to these same Iguanas—a loss that put the defending champs in a hole out of which it seemed the A-Boms had no desire to crawl.

"I'll tell you what, man," said Zermatt guard and EBP candidate Chris Paul. "Of all our great fortune thanks to the ineptitude of the Iguanas, this is by far our most unexpected, and most-cherished. If you would have asked me after last week's loss if I thought we would have caught 'em, I probably would have avoided the question with some sort of 'we just go out an take it one game at a time' baloney. And that's for real."

What else is for real is the Jai-Rai, who also deserve credit for their part in making history repeat itself. Udorn now gets the chance to do it all again in the first round of the playoffs, as they travel to Maracaibo for a rematch.

"It's hard to beat a team three times in one season," said forward Al Horford. "But it's also hard to beat a team once. We've now done that. And no one's ever said anything about beating a team twice being difficult. So we like our chances."

The A-Boms now go back to Zermatt to rest up and await not only the 'Caibo-Udorn matchup, but the impending 2009 EBP announcement, who many pundits have as a three-player race between Paul, James, and Park City's Dwyane Wade.

"The trophy'd be great for him, especially since he should have arguably won it last year," said Zermatt forward Rashard Lewis. "But EBP or not, there's another trophy we want. (long pause) I'm referring to the Commissioner Barnes trophy. (long pause) You know, for winning the Concludings."

'DANCERS SECURE FIRST-ROUND BYE, REFLECT ON AWESOMENESS

RIGBY (AP)—It was a week of major accomplishments for the Park City Sundancers as they beat a persistent Rigby team by the closer-than-it-looks score of 6-2-1. The victory enabled the Sundancers to finish the regular season with the league's best record, and become the only team to reach the benchmark of 90 wins.

Once again leading the charge for Park City was Dwyane Wade, who, in addition to putting the final exclamation point on his EBP candidacy by averaging 36.4 points, 1.9 threes, 6.1 rebounds, 10.8 assists, and 2.6 steals over the final two weeks of the season, is now rumored to be a shoe-in for the role of Jason Bourne, should Matt Damon ever decide to retire.

Park City stalwarts Mo Williams and Chris Bosh, along with unlikely first time starter Luis Scola, also did their part to help Park City leapfrog Nephi and Twin Falls en route to their first regular season conference title, and a hard fought first-round bye.

"Earning the bye was critical," explained Park City owner Dave Barton. "First and foremost, it gives Kevin (Durant) another week to rehab his sprained ankle. On a more speculative note, we are hoping that having the week off will help alleviate some of the stress of being considered the best team in the league. In the past, we have always faltered as soon as we reached the summit. Maybe having some extra time to reflect will help us come to grips with our awesomeness."

"Yeah, let's hope coach is right," replied newbie Scola, "because no one is going to wear a 'Regular Season Conference Champions' t-shirt."

"What? You were all thinkin' it!"

DAYLIGHT SAVED, FIRST PLACE SQUANDERED

ST GEORGE (AP)—First place in the Wasatch Conference playoffs, including the coveted first-round bye, was all but theirs. All the Gators had to do was beat lowly St. George—something lots of teams have managed to do this year, including such lightweights as Rigby and New York. It didn't even need to be a blowout; 6-3 probably would have done it. Instead, thanks to a last-second jumper by—let's see, whom shall we give it to? How about Kobe Bryant's man?—Ben Gordon, the Underdogs outscored Twin Falls 333 to 331 to secure a stunning 5-4 victory in the regular season finale, dropping the Gators from first to third in the conference.

Bryant, who forgot to set his wristwatch an hour ahead in observance of daylight saving time, stared at the officials in stunned disbelief as the final buzzer sounded. "I thought we had another hour to play," he explained afterwards. "I was totally saving myself for that last hour. I was gonna turn it on for another 6 three-pointers, 20 assists (even though I had managed only 6 assists so far all week), and 8 steals. It's no fair that we got one less hour this week. I'm tellin' you, if we had our full 168 hours this week, there's no way we lose this series. Against St. George! Are you kidding?

"So I just want to stress that this loss is not my fault. It's daylight saving's fault. Seriously, whose hairbrained idea was that anyway? Benjamin Franklin's? He's never had any good ideas."

"Now, that being said," Kobe went on, "I want to emphasize that I am a mature, likable guy who accepts responsibility for his actions, except when it's somebody else's fault, such as Benjamin Franklin's in this case. And I want to go on record as saying that I am in favor of daylight savings insofar as it lets little kids play outside more. However, if there are a lot of people who don't like daylight savings, I'm against it. I'll leave it to you, reporters, to cast me in the most favorable light considering the preferences of your respective readers. I'm definitely pro-sunshine, generally speaking. The important thing is that I'm perceived as charismatic and gregarious. You may want to call Magic Johnson and find out where he stands on daylight savings, and then just report that I agree with Magic. In fact, if you could somehow get Magic to say how much he admires me, that would be killer. I don't think you should feel like you're above quoting him out of context—or even just totally inventing a quote if that's what it takes."

__________________________________________________________________

AROUND THE WFBL

Stratagem 6, SnowBees 3
Forgive SnowBees forward Dirk Nowitzki if he doesn't seem sufficiently solemn after Salt Lake's disappointing 2008-09 season ended with, appropriately, a disappointing 6-3 loss to the Nephi Stratagem. "Really? We lost?" he said, trying to sound interested. "I knew it was the last game of the season, and I knew that, per league rules, I become a free agent after this season, so there's a good chance I won't be a SnowBee next year, and maybe I could play for an owner who knows what he's doing. But I guess I wasn't really paying attention to the outcome of the game." Dirk's giddiness may wear off a little once he realizes that he's still under contractual obligation to play out his team's postseason, which this year involves a convoluted consolation round that nobody understands. But the end of his two-year sentence in Salt Lake is definitely in sight, so it's unlikely that he'll let outcomes of games get him down.

Kings 5, Tigers 4
The WFBL is unlike other professional sports leagues in so many ways. Besides the obvious differences, such as its unmatched worldwide popularity and immunity to economic crises, its scorekeeping system also stands out as unique. It is one of the few leagues in which players and some owners often have to go to bed at night not knowing whether or not they've won. League statisticians stay up all night doing their arithmetic before officially declaring a winner, and sometimes the lack of sleep leads to mathematical errors. As a result, players like New York's Steve Nash may wake up in the morning, check the league standings online, and spend all day thinking his 104 points, 42 assists, and 8 steals were not enough to secure a victory against the Bayside Tigers. But players have learned that if you don't like the results, sometimes you can come back a few hours later and they'll change. That's what happened this week, when somehow New York's 4-5 loss magically turned into a 5-4 win (a meaningless difference anyhow, since both teams are out of playoff contention). The whole charade proves something that Kings owner TJ Barnes has maintained all along: that this league relies far too heavily on math—a method he feels cannot be trusted to determine playoff seeding: "I think we should use something more fun, like Art or Social Studies."

WEEK 18 EBP WINNER
Dwyane Wade, Park City

WEEK 18 POWER RANKINGS

2009-03-04T07:20:00.003-07:00

SO IT'S COME TO THIS...

Why Marcaibo-Udorn? If the A-Boms can manage to get 3 more victories than the Igs this week, Zermatt gets the bye and we have an Iguanas-Jai-Rai first round rematch. Realistically, a 5-4 should be enough to keep 'Caibo in first (and against Udorn, 5-4 is very realistic).

The Week 18 dust has settled, but the playoff seedings have not. First-round byes are still up for grabs in both conferences, and the Kings still have an outside chance of crashing the party in the World conference. This much we do know: Salt Lake, St. George and Rigby are eliminated from contention in the Wasatch, but Bayside is the only team eliminated in the World. Yes, even Richmond could make the playoffs, but that would require some very un-Richmond-like play from the Butchers this final week.

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (1) 85-61-7 (5-3-1)
Give the Gators this much: they do what it takes to win, even if a slip-up of .006% in FGs, 2 points, and 1 turnover would have cost them the top spot. And just when we thought they'd gotten their comeuppance with an injury to Duncan, he returns and is the difference in the win.

2 (3) 86-63-4 (5-3-1)
Speaking of "how'd they do that?", the Sundancers managed a 5-3-1 win despite having 5 fewer games (in fact, they were one fewer turnover and six points away from a 7-2 victory). The bad news is they'll have to try and make do without All-Star and potential keeper Kevin Durant, out at least until the Wasatch Conference Concludings.

3 (5) 85-64-4 (5-4-0)
The Iguanas' 5-4 win over hated Zermatt may just have given them enough breathing room in the race for the World's top seed. At 2.5 games, it'd take a loss and a big win from Zermatt to keep Maracaibo from the coveted first-round bye.

4 (2) 83-62-8 (3-5-1)
Well, Ryan Gomes wasn't the answer, but all hope is not lost. Only a game and a half back of the Gators, the Strats can still make a move. But if we were Nephi fans, we'd be more concerned about the health of Kevin Garnett, and what that means to their worst-to-first aspirations.

5 (4) 83-67-3 (4-5-0)
The A-Boms can only rely on a Maracaibo choke for so long. Push came to shove, and the Iguanas didn't budge. Although technically, they didn't shove Zermatt too badly. More like a little love tap. Right now perhaps the A-Boms need to worry about playing a good week's worth of basketball, and not about that first-round bye.

6 (7) 74-78-1 (5-4-0)
The Jai-Rai have all but sealed up their first-ever playoff bid, with a hearty Udorn-style 5-4 squeaker over the Kings. As with so many teams left in the playoff hunt, the big story will be how they will be able to cope without their star player. So far sans Granger: 1-0.

7 (6) 73-75-5 (3-5-1)
Now technically eliminated, the SnowBees can officially begin Phase II of their season: Playing the role of "fly in the ointment" (bee in the ointment?) to other teams—namely the Nephi Strats. Fear not, SnowBees! That #1 seed in the Consolation Bracket and inside track to the tote bag is all but yours!

8 (9) 64-81-8 (5-4-0)
A nice, modest three-week win streak to close out the season makes things a bit more respectable for the U-Dogs. The team can say a lot about their character by coming out and putting the hurt down on a Gator team hungry for that first-round bye. Can Kobe's former franchise sweep his current one?

9 (8) 68-85-0 (4-5-0)
Not exactly what the doctor ordered for New York's playoff hopes. Okay, here's what has to happen: Kings need to beat Bayside at least 8-1 (not impossible) and hope the Iguanas beat the Jai-Rai by the same score (also not impossible). Not probable, but not impossible.

10 (10) 65-84-4 (4-5-0)
Hmm, the theme today seems to be which lower-rated team will be able to play spoiler and keep the higher-rated team from that first-round bye. Bachelorette number four: The Rigby Trojans! Rigby loves long walks on the beach, three-pointers, and hanging on to the ball. But be careful, if you get too close, Rigby might also hang on to your heart!

11 (12) 66-85-2 (5-3-1)

To what do we owe the demise of one of last year's playoff surprises, the Richmond Butchers? Let's look at the numbers: They rank in the top four in five different categories (rebs, asts, stls, blks, tos), but dead last in FT%, threes, and points scored. So to answer the question we don't know.

12 (11) 60-87-6 (3-5-1)
And Bayside will conclude the regular season having never tasted the sweetness that is consecutive victories. The good news, however, is that for this week's matchup against New York, the Tigers will be at full strength (although, with the players they're trotting out there, we use the term "strength" loosely).

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 18

2009-03-03T05:19:00.005-07:00

A-BOMS DROPPED BY 'CAIBO, MAYBE AREN'T VERY GOOD; WADE, 'DANCERS ARE TOTALLY SWITCHED ON; MELO TO NASH: "GO BACK TO CANADA AND PUT SNOW IN YOUR PANTS

Hey! Look up there! In the standings! It's LeBron James and the Iguanas! What's that he's holding? The EBP Trophy? Oh that's just last year's? Whew!

OLD A-BOMS JUST AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE

MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—In what was being billed as a battle between the top contenders for this year's EBP award, the Zermatt Abominables fell short in their attempt to overtake Los Iguanas de Maracaibo by the score of 4-5. With the loss, Zermatt drops to 2.5 games out of first and now has that "helpless" feeling one gets when your fate is no longer in your own hands.

"Not a good feeling," said Chris Paul, who agreed when asked if the feeling you get when your fate is no longer in your own hands can be described as "helpless". "We're used to taking control late in the season, not being controlled."

Yes, the A-Boms lost, getting swept by their conference rivals. But it was in no way due to lack of EBP-like effort from Chris Paul. Rather, it was due to the non-EBP-like effort from his teammates. While stalwarts Andre Iguodala and Rashard Lewis were serviceable, they were nowhere near their customary levels. Fill-in-the-gappers Zach Randolph and Samuel Dalembert—yes, that's correct—did their best to, well, fill in the gap. But they're no Al Jefferson.

"The A-Boms need to quit their whinin'," said LeBron James, who on the other hand didn't necessarily have an EBP-like week. "Every team's had injury problems—so what? You're tellin' me Al would have shot better than 45% with fewer than 6 turnovers? 'Cause that's where we beat 'em!"

"Agreed," agreed Ray Allen, one of the many Iguanas who stepped their games up last week. "Who here would like nothing more than for everyone, Zermatt included, to just admit the A-Boms don't have it this year? Or does the media love-in with Chris Paul cloud our judgement so much that we can't focus on what the real story is? It's the Igs, baby!"

Nonsense! The media has no such preference. Now, for no reason, here's a random image we found.

WADE, DANCERS TURN IT ON TO TOP STRATS

PARK CITY (AP)—With the frenzied final push for Wasatch Conference supremacy upon them, the Park City Sundancers had the misfortune of being dealt the short end of the scheduling stick against the Nephi Stratagem, their second most hated rival. Relegated to playing four fewer games than the Cinderella Strats with the fate of the Wasatch Conference hanging in the balance, Park City had little choice but to respond with a "(Shrug) that's the WFBL."

The shorthanded Sundancers were successfully holding their own against an atypically healthy Strats squad when Kevin Durant was forced to sit with a sprained ankle. Just when it appeared that all was lost, resurgent EBP candidate Dwyane Wade put the team on his back, carrying Park City to an improbable 5-3-1 victory. With one week remaining in the regular season, Park City now sits a mere half game behind the first place Twin Falls Gators while Nephi has fallen a game and a half back to third.

After the game, a swarm of reporters congregated around Wade's locker. There were a few stalwarts asking the standard stuff like "What did this win mean to you?" and "How does it feel to be so awesome?" but most of them wanted to know what the deal was with the large silver knob protruding from his belly.

"Oh this? answered Wade, innocently pointing to the knob in question. "That's just my switch. When it started to look like we were in trouble, I flipped it to the 'on' position and took over. I knew the Strats couldn't keep up. I wasn't to be denied."

So it's really as simple as that? Wade flips a switch, and wills the Sundancers to victory?

"Well, I wouldn't say that," clarified Wade. "I believe the league anatomist (Phil Jackson) explained it best," He taught me that all professional athletes have a switch somewhere on their body. The better you are playing, the bigger your switch gets, thus allowing you to 'turn it on and off at will' as they say.

"And all of you (reporters) probably thought that 'turning it on' was just some standard issue cliché we used to quell your inanely esoteric questions so you would leave us alone. Speaking of which, will you guys beat it? I have to give myself a sponge bath so this baby doesn't rust up."

DUMMY-HEADS, PUDDING-FACES COME UP SHORT AS "IMMATURE" KINGS FALL TO UDORN

UDORN (AP)—You have to grow up fast when you're the owner of a WFBL franchise.

Most 8-year-olds spend their days at school, where they make dioramas about Indian habitats and learn new swear words, but not TJ Barnes, the New York Kings owner whose parents pulled him out of school when it became apparent that it was interfering with the day-to-day operation of his basketball team.

"Of course, the minute you do that, friends, acquaintances, and even total strangers suddenly become intensely concerned about your child's social development," explains TJ's mom, Mommy Barnes. "'What about his social life?' was a question we heard a lot. And it's a legitimate concern. If he skips 2nd grade and goes straight into WFBL management, where is he going to learn how to question authority, make fun of people who are different, shirk responsibility for his actions, and seek the path of least resistance—all important skills that he will need when he enters the 'real world'?"

Well, according to Kings guard Steve Nash, Mrs. Barnes has no need to worry. "If she's looking for a substitute for the 2nd-grade social experience, then she certainly must be pleased with her son's 2008-09 New York Kings," Nash said after he and his teammates squandered a golden opportunity to sneak into the playoffs by losing 5-4 to the Udorn Jai-Rai. "This team definitely has maturity issues, if you know what I mean."

We think we do, but just to be sure, we asked forward Carmello Anthony to comment on Nash's assessment. "Nashie says we're immature, huh? Well, I'm rubber and he's glue, so whatever he says bounces off me and sticks to him," Anthony retorted, deftly rendering powerless any possible comeback by Nash.

Center Al Harrington had a similar reaction: "Steve Nash is a banana brain. Look! I'm Steve Nash: 'Duh, duh, can I pway basketbauw wiff you guyz? Just don't bump me, cuz my bones awe bwittowl.'"

"Steve Nash should go back to Canada and put snow in his pants," Anthony added. "I'm 10 times as good as him."

"And I'm 20 times as good," said Harrington.

"Well, I'm 30 times as good," Anthony responded.

"I'm a gazillion times as good."

"I'm infinity times as good."

"I'm infinity plus one times as good."

"That's not a number. You don't know anything."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too, Noodle-Nose."

"Do not, Chicken-Lips."

"Be quiet."

"No, you be quiet."

"No, you be quiet."

"No, you be quiet...."

His point clearly made, Nash shook his head. "Do you see what I have to deal with? I swear, next year if I get drafted I'm going to tell everyone that I'm too busy playing Bejeweled."

__________________________________________________________________

AROUND THE WFBL

Gators 5, SnowBees 3, Nobody 1
That glimmer of hope that the SnowBees claimed to see for the past several weeks has now been extinguished, kind of like the way an ant might be extinguished if sat upon by an elephant. Salt Lake's 5-3-1 loss to Twin Falls leaves the SnowBees 11.5 games out of playoff contention with only 9 games remaining on the schedule, which, according to league statisticians, makes the playoffs a near-impossibility. But forward Dirk Nowitzki, ever the optimist, sees a bright side: "For the first time this year, we have a series where the outcome doesn't matter. This week against Nephi we can truly play like we have nothing to lose, because we've already lost everything meaningful this season. You have no idea what a relief that will be—for me especially, since I'm notorious for disappearing in big games. I expect to have a breakout series. I can hardly wait!"

Butchers 5, Tigers 3, This Reporter—1
Never before has a more glorious matchup been seen in the history of this great league. The skill and artistry demonstrated by both squads—Richmond with their controlled ball-handling, Bayside with their rebounding aptitude—are unrivaled in any game this reporter has had the pleasure of witnessing. Words cannot adequately express the sentiments that were felt while enjoying the grand opportunity of sitting through this battle of WFBL titans. Mere words cannot do justice the thoughts coursing through the mind as it came time to put pen to paper. How does one recap such glorious combat!? It seems to this reporter that one is better off letting the final score compose the story itself.

Underdogs 5, Trojans 4
St. George fans got a rare treat last week when their team won a third consecutive series, a 5-4 thriller against Rigby. It marks the only time all year St. George has strung together more than one victory. However, if Truman and his pups want to give their faithful supporters a real thrill, they'll do their bestest to finish off the regular season with a home win over Twin Falls, because their current win streak has taken place entirely in other teams' arenas, and the good folks of St. George deserve a chance to see what a U-Dog victory looks like in person. In fact, a quick check of the season schedule reveals that the Underdogs have won a grand total of one series at home, 5-3-1 vs. Richmond back in week 3. What better way to say thank you to fans who have stuck with their U-Dogs through thin and thin this season, while at the same time totally screwing things up for the Gators, who are still fighting for playoff position.

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WEEK 17 EBP WINNER (tie)
Pau Gasol, Salt Lake
Dwyane Wade, Park City

WEEK 17 POWER RANKINGS

2009-02-25T05:29:00.001-07:00

WEEK 18 SUPER SMACKDOWN SPECTACULAR!

This is the week we've all been waiting for. First place is on the line as Zermatt tries to avenge an early-season loss against Marcaibo. Park City and Nephi have their eyes on the Wasatch Championship while trying to keep Twin Falls at bay. And New York looks to sneak into the playoffs as they face off against Udorn.

As the 2009 WFBL season winds its way to an end, a mere three games are all that separate the top 5 teams from each other. We know that Twin Falls, Nephi, and Park City are all but assured of the three Wasatch playoff spots, but who'll get that regular season title and the coveted first-round bye? And in the World? It seems like neither Zermatt nor Marcaibo want to win their conference. Same goes with Udorn and New York, as far as that last playoff spot is concerned. With two weeks left, every game counts, every coaching decision is magnified, every lineup move crucial. This is why we love the WFBL.

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (1) 80-58-6 (6-3-0)
Make that one loss in their last nine for the Gators, and with a mere half game separating them from a Wasatch Conference title, Kobe's boys appear to have the upper-hand schedule-wise on Nephi and Park City. And it sure helps to not be dealing with season-ending injuries to any of their best players (Something tells us Kobe's going down).

2 (2) 80-57-7 (5-3-1)
Who knows how the Strats managed to pull this one off. Oh right, they were playing Bayside. Still, with KG out, Nephi's weary eyes turn to Ryan Gomes to fend off Park City. Yes, that's right, Ryan Gomes.

3 (5) 81-60-3 (6-3-0)
The Sundancers bounced back quite nicely from the New York Debacle, pounding the Iguanas 6-3 for the second time in four weeks. But for Park City to win the Wasatch, a thorough beating of Nephi would be just what the doctor ordered. And by "doctor", I mean the doctor who performed surgery on Amar'e Stoudemire's eye.

4 (4) 79-62-3 (4-5-0)
You think maybe the A-Boms miss Big Al? With Zach Randolph submitting his bid for next year's Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out, the short-handed Champs nearly pulled came away with a win. Zermatt's been relying on Maracaibo's patented late-season slide to stay in the race for the World crown; but they weren't counting on their own Iguana-like collapse. It's do-or-die as the two face off this week.

5 (3) 80-60-4 (3-6-0)
Four losses in their last five matchups have the Iguanas a mere 1.5 games up on the A-Boms. But for all their misfortune, at least the Igs are finally starting to get healthy. One more note on their marquee matchup: many voters out there are saying the star player on this week's winner—either LeBron or CP3—will have a leg up on the EBP competition.

6 (6) 70-70-4 (7-2-0)
Again, not technically eliminated, but I bet Coach Ted Barnes wishes he had voted to re-seed for the playoffs instead of having the top three from each conference get in. The SnowBees would have the third spot if they were in the World conference, but sit ten games out in the Wasatch, where it would take a massive collapse from one of the top three for the SnowBees to sneak in.

7 (8) 69-74-1 (4-5-0)
Team "4-5" is back! 11 of the Jai-Rai's 17 matchups have ended in either a 5-4 win (three times) or a 4-5 loss (eight times). Where this strategy hurt Udorn a year ago, it can only help them this year, as they welcome the Kings to town sporting a 5.5 game cushion on their opponent. With superstar and possible keeper candidate Danny Granger out for the season, however, Jai-Rai fans would kill for a mere 4-5 loss.

8 (7) 64-80-0 (2-7-0)
The Kings couldn't keep pace with Udorn and now need an 8-1 victory to pass the Jai-Rai, and at least a 6-3 to make Week 19 interesting. Whether they make the playoffs or not, a tip of the cap is deserved for not giving up on the season, even when holy crap they looked awful there for a while.

9 (10) 59-77-8 (5-4-0)
A bit of a thumbing of the nose towards their former owner. St. George's win didn't do much for the U-Dogs' outlook for the remainder of the season, but sure put a kink in the A-Boms' plans. This week they'll fight to move ahead of the Trojans in the Wasatch cellar, before attempting to avenge last season's semifinal loss to Twin Falls.

10 (11) 61-79-4 (5-4-0)
Good win for the Trojans who, by golly, just won't go down without a fight. Now's the time for the bottom-half teams to start building momentum for the Consolation Bracket, where a nice run there means—you guessed it—tote bag!

11 (9) 57-82-5 (3-5-1)
Still no win streak for Bayside, but their best chance all year long is staring them in the face. Richmond at home, New York at home. It would probably help if they put OJ Mayo, recently acquired as a replacement for injured Jason Terry, into their starting lineup. But, you know, whatever. Bayside. Gotta love 'em.

12 (12) 61-82-1 (3-6-0)

Speaking of tote bags, here's some fun trivia: the Twin Falls Gators won the tote bag in 2007, then went to the Concludings in 2008. The Sundancers won the tote bag in 2008, and are a favorite to go to the Concludings in 2009. What does it all mean? It means maybe that tote bag has a bit more significance than "lovely parting gift".

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 17

2009-02-24T05:32:00.002-07:00

STRATS WIN "ROSTER CHICKEN"; KOBE COMES CLEAN ON INJURY ALLEGATIONS; IGUANAS FLUNK SUNDANCER EXAM

Luckily for the still-first-place Stratagem, Brandon Roy knows how to drive a tractor.

STRATS, TIGERS HOLD OUT FOR A HERO

NEPHI (AP)—In the loosely regulated WFBL, it has been well documented that unrepentant thrill seekers (and teams with shallow rosters) are prone to engage in "Roster Chicken," where two teams try to see how many games their players can miss and still win the matchup. Recently, the benchmark for this exciting but unpredictable variaton of the game has been Nephi vs. Udorn in the first round of last season's consolation bracket. Well move over Nephi and Udorn, or just Udorn, rather—the new "Kings of Sling" have been crowned.

As the tip-off of an otherwise routine pairing of the Nephi Stratagem and Bayside Tigers neared, Nephi instigated the traditional Roster Chicken challenge by leaving a clearly hobbled Mike Dunleavy in their starting lineup. Last place Bayside met this invitation with the necessary spoonful of reckless abandon, tabbing Jason Terry as their shooting guard—even though he recently had surgery on his hand, and they just traded for a completely healthy OJ Mayo. The Tigers raised the stakes by sticking with Marcus "Gimpy" Camby at center before Nephi's usually reliable Kevin Garnett surprised everyone by dropping out midweek with a strained knee.

At times, it seemed that both Bayside and Nephi were going to blink, trying to leap from their metaphorical tractor like Kevin Bacon in the 80's classic Footloose. But their proverbial shoelaces of common sense were caught on the tractor's gas pedal of thrills, and they both kept getting pulled back on for more.

When all was said and done, both teams compiled a measely 10 games apiece from their respective lineups, easily shattering all previous Roster Chicken records. As a footnote to this historic performance, Nephi won the contest 5-3-1 by virtue of Brandon Roy's Bonnie Tyler-esque heroics, just edging Bayside's Troy Murphy in the abberant effort department.

GATORS MAINTAIN LEAD IN WASATCH; KOBE BREAKS SILENCE ON INJURY ALLEGATIONS

TWIN FALLS (AP)—While the Twin Falls Gators are in the midst of their best regular season in franchise history, a game out of first place in the Wasatch after winning 6-3 over the hapless Richmond Butchers, all the attention has been on superstar Kobe Bryant. Allegations have surfaced within the last few weeks that the recent rash of injuries across the WFBL were caused by none other than the former EBP. In order to set the record straight on the controversy, Bryant agreed to sit down with WFBL beat writer Peter Gammons.

Peter Gammons: Kobe, there have been recent reports that you have been the man responsible for the numerous injuries across the WFBL. What's the truth?

Kobe Bryant: When I was labeled a "Keeper" with Twin Falls in 2008, I felt an enormous amount of pressure; I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me and I needed to perform and perform at a high level every day.

Back then it was a different culture. It was very loose. I was young, I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was the player that could take the Gators to the title.

I did injure a player or two and, um, for that I am very sorry and deeply regretful. And although it was the culture back then, and, uh, the Wasatch Front Basketball League overall was very... I'm just, I just feel that, um, you know, I'm just sorry. I'm sorry for that time. I'm sorry to my fans. I'm sorry for my fans in Twin Falls.

It wasn't until then that I ever thought about hurting anyone of any kind. And since then I've proved to myself and to everyone that I don't need any of that.

PG: So, you're saying that the time period was Week 14 through Week 17?

KB: Mmm, that's pretty accurate, yes.

PG: Who were the people you injured?

KB: Peter, that's the thing, I mean, again, it was such a loosey-goosey era, that... I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions and, to be quite honest, I don't know exactly who the people were that I was guilty of injuring. But whoever they are, I feel terribly about it.

PG: When did you get the wake-up call?

KB: It wasn't until yesterday. I was laying in my bed in Twin Falls, Idaho. We were doing a team conditioning down by the hot pots and I suffered a very serious hang nail injury that went all the way down the side of my finger, a real nasty one. And I was scared that I was going to miss time.

But it was at that point in bed that I realized, ‘What am I doing?' Not only am I going to hurt the basketball careers of others, but I am going to hurt my OWN career. It was time to grow up, stop being selfish, stop being stupid and take control of the rage inside that makes me want to hurt people. And for that I couldn't be, I couldn't feel more regret and feel more sorry because I have so much respect for this game, you know, and the people that follow it and respect it. I have millions of fans out there that are, you know, will never look at me the same.

PG: Let's go back. How did you think you could get away with hurting the star players for pretty much every team in the league that poses a threat to the Gators?

KB: The culture, it was pretty prevalent. There was a lot of people doing a lot of things. There was a lot of gray area, too. Back then, you could walk into a gym and punch a guy in the face and nothing would happen to you. But things are changed now—look at Randolph. He sucker punches a guy and gets suspended for two games. The point of the matter was, I started doing things to other people's knees, ankles, eyeballs and groins that, today are not legal, or today are not accepted. And today you would get into a lot of trouble for.

Ever since that incident that happened to me in the hot pots, in Twin Falls, I realized that—You know what?—I don't need to do any of it and what I have done is enough. I've played the best basketball of my career since. Most of my direct competition is now short-handed for the playoffs. So that, I'm very proud of.

PG: Talk a little bit about that culture. It was an underground culture. A player said to me two weeks ago that he really believes that, in that period, between about Week 14 and Week 17, the players who did do one thing or another were either were scared or didn't care. Would you agree with that?

KB: Well, I just think you felt a tremendous need to keep up, I mean, Bynum collapsed my teammate's lung. That's not something that was an accident either.

I can't speak for everybody who did the stuff I did; I can only speak for myself. And, regardless of what we want to mask and say and justify, there's absolutely no excuse for what I did. I'm sorry. And if I was a fan, a fan of mine, a fan of the Gators, I would be very pissed off. And I can't take that back, but just realize that I'm sorry and I want to do things to influence children and realize they should learn from my mistake because, you know, it's the biggest regret I have in my life because basketball has given me everything. I have so much respect...

PG: How long was it before you found out that what you were doing was actually illegal?

KB: Again, at the time, of that culture, there was no ‘illegal or legal.' It was just, you have to understand the time, and to take you back there, again, people were hurting a number of different people.

PG: So, from Week 17-on, you have been completely clean?

KB: Mmm, hmm.

PG: Have you even been able to even check and find out how many people you've hurt?

KB: [Chuckles] You know, Peter, that I don't even know the real number but I would guess, at least eight to 10 people.

PG: Have you talked to Shaun Adams about this?

KB: Yeah, I've talked to our front office. Mmm, hmm.

PG: And what did he say?

KB: He's supporting me. Obviously anything that helps our team win and keeps our enemies from doing the same, he's on board with. I think, overall, he just wants me to be truthful and be honest, what happened last week, happened. And, you know, we're ready for bigger and better things — which is winning a championship, running a great franchise... Our fans have been very patient with us. They're ready for us to turn up the heat a little bit, and I think we have a team that's ready to do all of that, and I'm going to be a part of that team and do my best.

PG: Thank you.

KB: [Nods].

BEEKEEPER LOSES COOL, WINS SERIES

NEW YORK (AP)—In basketball, the difference between winning and losing often hinges on a single pivotal moment, when momentum shifts abruptly and carries one team or the other to victory. These moments may include a key defensive play, a buzzer-beating three-pointer, or "YMCA" being played over the loudspeaker at just the right time.

Good coaches know how to take advantage of such moments. Great coaches know how to create them.

During a matchup with the New York Kings that was dripping with playoff implications, Salt Lake SnowBees owner Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes knew his team needed a "momentum moment."

"Manu Ginobili, our best three-point shooter, had just suffered an injury. We had already heard 'YMCA' twice. And I had two Europeans in the frontcourt (Dirk Nowitzki and Pau Gasol), so a key defensive play seemed unlikely. That's when I decided to take matters into my own hands."

By this he means that he decided to jump off the bench and begin yelling hysterically at the officials, who had just handed the ball to Nowitzki for a free throw. Play stopped for nearly 15 minutes as the Beekeeper alternatingly threw his arms in the air with groans of disgust and shouted long, incoherent sentences, spraying saliva in every direction, while the officials stared in bewildered silence.

"Finally we decided to give him a technical foul," one of them said. "Because, as entertaining as it was, we realized that if we let him keep going, we might not get home in time to watch Deal or No Deal."

As the Beekeeper had hoped, the technical foul worked its magic on his players, who suddenly began to play with newfound energy, turning what had been a close series into a 7-2 romp.

"I won't lie to you: I was embarrassed at first," rookie point guard Derrick Rose said of his coach's tantrum. "But then Gasol explained to me that when your coach gets a technical foul, you're supposed to play harder, which I was happy to do. But when I asked him why we had to wait for our coach to make a fool out of himself before we can play hard, he just rolled his eyes and said that I have a lot to learn about basketball."

It remains unclear what exactly Barnes was protesting; he refused to talk about it after the game, referring only obliquely to "that dubious call" and adding, "I'd better not say any more; I don't want to get fined." But that matters little now. The fact is that thanks to the Beekeeper's heroics, the SnowBees now own a five-week unbeaten streak, also known as The Streak That Time Forgot, and remain, technically speaking, in contention for a playoff berth. And if the Beekeeper has a few more of those inspiring melodramas left in him, the SnowBees could literally be the team that no one wants to face in the playoffs.

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AROUND THE WFBL

Sundancers 6, Iguanas 3
Four weeks ago, the first Park City vs. Maracaibo matchup offered proof that lower profile players like Mo Williams and Charlie Villanueva can move to the head of the class when they do their homework. But in the most recent test between these two teams, Lebron James and Dwayne Wade showed everyone who still rules the school of the WFBL. Lebron sent everyone to detention on Friday night, doling out 55 points, 8 threes, 5 rebounds, and 9 assists. Not to be outdone, Wade had a one-man recess of his own on Sunday, showing off with 50 points, 2 threes, 5 rebounds, 5 assists, a steal and a block. One thing that doesn't seem to be affected by what player is dominating when is the outcome—the Sundancers have won 6-3 both times. But unfortunately for Park City, Amare Stoudemire got sent to the nurse's office after getting poked in the eye, and he's not coming back to class before school gets out. How will that effect things if these teams meet again for final exams?

Underdogs 5, Abominables 4
Reaching the playoffs is now mathematically impossible for St. George (though some fans are hoping the U-Dogs can sneak in using some method other than mathematics), but there are still plenty of chances to make some noise in the playoff chase, albeit indirectly. Last week the Underdogs exerted their will on the World Conference standings, spoiling Zermatt's golden opportunity to reclaim the top seed in the World Conference with a surprising 5-4 upset. In fact, "spoilage" is a good way to describe it, as the A-Boms stunk up the Chateau Alpin Arena like expired milk.

"A fine analysis, Mr. Reporter. Very well articulated. Your talents as a basketball analyst are unmatched," said U-Dog center Dwight Howard, who simply calls them as he sees them. "In fact, if I may extend your analogy a little further—we, the Underdogs, are like microscopic bacteria, small but virtually invincible. And the rest of the league is like poorly preserved food, all of which will eventually meet the same fate as Zermatt—spoiled by us."

Fortunately for the rest of the league, only two weeks remain in the regular season, so Howard's boasts are pretty harmless. And, let's face it, the only thing microscopic about the U-Dog big man is his assist-to-turnover ratio.

"The other big problem with Howard's logic is the little-known fact that the bacteria that spoils milk is actually part of the milk itself," explains league microbiologist Phil Jackson, whose job it is to concern himself with little-known facts (get it? microbes, little?). "So it would be more accurate to say that the A-Boms spoiled themselves. That is, the cause of their downfall was internal, resulting from Zach Randolph's suspension and Al Jefferson's injury, not anything particularly impressive that Howard or the U-Dogs did."

However, none of this changes the fact that Dwight Howard is an excellent judge of quality journalism.

Trojans 5, Jai-Rai 4
The Udorn Jai-Rai have got to be thinking to themselves "what do we have to do to clinch a playoff spot?" And you know what? That's the exact sentiment starting power forward David Lee conveyed to reporters after his team lost to Rigby 5-4. "I was just thinking to myself today 'Self, what do we have to do—and more importantly, what do I have to do—to clinch a playoff spot'," said Lee. "Besides the obvious answers, like shoot better, get more steals, etc., I figured one thing I can do is not get injured and miss the rest of the season, like SOME of the other guys have been doing." While Lee wasn't specific about it, the elephant in the room, aka Danny Granger, was obvious enough. "I agree with Mr. Lee," said Granger. "And I regret getting injured. You have to think about the team before anything else, and when I partially tore the tendon in my right foot, I wasn't thinking about the team. That was all about me. About MY foot. About MY season-ending injury. That's right, I ended my season, not the rest of the team's. Well, actually, that may not be entirely true. There's a good chance I ended my team's season too. See? MY team's season. There I go again, being selfish."

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: ALL-STAR 2009

2009-02-17T15:19:00.001-07:00

ON TOP OF THE WORLD, LOOKING DOWN ON THE WASATCH

Yeah, it looks like Paul's gonna be fine.

HOMETOWN HERO CHRIS PAUL BOUNCES BACK FROM INJURY, LEADS WORLD TO DOMINATING 6-3 VICTORY

ZERMATT (AP)—The Wasatch may have a better regular season record against the World this year, but when it mattered least, Chris Paul and Co. had their way with their intermountain region counterparts.

It may have been cold and snowy outside, but thanks to some heated play from Zermatt's Paul, the World defeated the Wasatch 6-3 in the annual All-Star extravaganza. The victory served notice that, while the Wasatch may be a better conference top-to-bottom, the World's top-heaviness will be something to deal with come Concludings time.

"We've had our lunches handed to us this year in head-to-head meetings, that's true," said EBP Chris Paul about the Wasatch, which owns a sparkling 26-14-2 record against the World this year. "But no one really pays attention to those regular season matchups, let's be honest. It's all about Playoffs and All-Star. That's where reputations are made."

"He's right you know," said World Conference teammate LeBron James. "You think people remember that we (the Iguanas) got hammered back in Week 9 by Rigby? Or that me, Ray-Ray, CP3, Nene and Camby laid the hurt on the Wasatch elite in an exhibition where defense is not only optional, but frowned upon? I don't think I need to answer that for you."

"Oh yeah and don't forget that Mike Bibby was their starting point guard," said Paul. "I mean, c'mon."

So what does this all mean to you, the WFBL fan at home? Why, it means you can anxiously wait out the final three weeks of the regular season, while preparing for what could be not only the tightest regular season race, but also the most competitive playoffs in WFBL history.

Notes
Due to injury, the following players were named to the All-Star team as replacements:

WASATCH
Chris Duhon, PG, Ribgy (replacing Jameer Nelson), 1st appearance
Charlie Villanueva, SF, Park City (replacing Gerald Wallace), 1st appearance
Tim Duncan, PF, Twin Falls (replacing Chris Bosh), 3rd appearance

WORLD
Andre Iguodala, SG, Zermatt (replacing Jason Terry), 2nd appearance
Paul Millsap, PF, Maracaibo (replacing Al Jefferson), 1st appearance
Troy Murphy, C, Bayside (replacing Andris Biedrins), 1st appearance

Marcus Camby started at C for the World in place of Al Jefferson.

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DIVERSION WEEK

Smucker's Jam Festival
Once again the Smucker's Jam Festival failed to disappoint, as jam connoisseurs from all over the globe descended on Zermatt to sample this year's delicacies. St. George's Hedo Turkoglu, last year's festival winner due to his delicious fig jam, got a bit more patriotic with his entry this time. The "Turkey Jam", made from—you guessed it—turkey, was quite an unorthodox approach, as was that of Nephi's Andres Nocioni. The Argentine's "¡Estupendo Chañar Sensacional!" jam was a huge hit, as the very sweet, dark and thick chañar fruit—similar to molasses—was not only tasty, but also helped alleviate many of the judges' sore throats and coughs! Not to be outdone, Bayside's Troy Murphy brought a delicious "Potato N' Beer" jam from his native Ireland. "Slathered on four-leaf clovers, naturally," said Murphy, who it was later discovered is not really from Ireland at all.

But taking home this year's coveted "Smucky" award was OJ Mayo, formerly of Zermatt, currently of Bayside, and currently the owner of the most creative jam recipe in all the land. His "OJ Mayo" Jam was by far the most talked-about entry in this year's festival. "The recipe is really quite simple," said the shooting guard from West Virginia. "Just take some oj, take same mayo, boo-hay, you got yourself some OJ Mayo Jam."

Master Lock Bill Havlicek Memorial Steal and Hostess Turnover Contest
Zermatt's Chris Paul and Marcaibo's Rajon Rondo had no trouble at all with their competition in the Steal and Turnover Contest. Rondo swiped the ball from New York's Steve Nash a mere two times, as the tricky Nash spent most of his time avoiding theft by using all sorts of evasive maneuvers he practices in the off-season, such as bouncing the ball off his knee, bouncing the ball of his foot AND his knee, and doing that thing where you have the ball under your foot and then when the other guy comes to get it you flick it backwards and out of their reach.

Chris Paul was the big winner, successfully defending his title from a year ago by stealing the ball a record eight times in one minute from Park City's Dwyane Wade. "Too bad you couldn't steal the Oaken Skis of Yore while you were at it, sucker!" said Wade, hands waving on either side of his head, his tongue stuck out in defiance.

Celebrex Dennis Rodman Memorial Rebound Challenge
Thanks to some reliably horrible shooting, Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkoglu, teammates from the St. George Underdogs, were the big winners in this year's Rebound Challenge. Turkoglu did what he does best—which is miss shots—and Dwight did what he does best—gather those missed shots in his hulking arms.

"Dwight said he need shooter for rebound challenge," said Turkoglu after the competition. "Who better to give him rebounds than Turkoglu? Gordon? LaMarcus? No, only Turkoglu miss shots just the way Dwight like them."

The U-Dog combo handily defeated Andris Biedrins and Jason Kidd of the Richmond Butchers. There seemed to be some confusion on Kidd's part as to his role in the event, as he kept firing passes to the back of Biedrins' head underneath the hoop. After finally realizing that he was supposed to shoot, time had run out (but not before Kidd chucked up an airball from three-point land and gathered his own miss).

Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival
In a night of big moments, even the return of the Big Shaqodile wouldn't be enough to take home the Sony Ron Artest Memorial Jam Festival Trophy. First, a poorly-conceived idea from last year's champion, Stephen Jackson, failed to impress the judges, as Jackson introduced himself as "Bikini Man", wearing a speedo and singing a dreadful rendition of Faith Hill's "Breathe". Following Jackson's unfortunate turn, Bayside's Luke Walton gave perhaps the evening's most underrated performance, as the second-generation Deadhead sported a faux-beard and came dressed in father Bill's famous tie-dyed t-shirt, headband and peace-sign necklace. His rendition of "How Now Brown Cow" especially won over the agricultural constituency of voters.

The Big Shaqodile then stepped up to the mic with hopes of returning to past Jam Festival glory. Shaq seemed like the runaway favorite at that point, singing such crowd-pleasing favorites as "U Can't Do Without Me (Kobe, Tell Me How My Bottom Taste)", "( I Know I Got) Skillz" and, of course, "Shoot-Pass-Slam feat. Fu-Schnickens".

However, in perhaps the ultimate statement that the pre-teen market rules the land, the night belonged to Kyle Korver, Rigby's dreamy backup shooting guard. Korver took the stage to the surprise of many, and, in a reunion with his long-lost siblings the Jonas Brothers, wowed the crowd and had 11-year olds across the world in tears. "Distant cousins, actually," said Korver after he and the Brothers belted out the hit "Burnin' Up". "I got a text from the Brothers this week and they told me about their idea, about singing together. I always knew I had a talent in entertainment outside of basketball, I was just waiting for the right opportunity."

Dixie Cup Ron Artest Memorial Punch-Out
After last season's debacle, it was a nice change of pace to have a "throwback" of sorts for this year's Punch-Out. Despite the presence of defending "champion" Stephen Jackson, the absence of weaponry was a delight for traditionalists. It also meant Jackson stood no chance in advancing to the finals, as the New York forward was helpless without his handguns in his matchup against Andris Biedrins. The Richmond big man, who kind of looks like Ivan Drago and probably sounds like him too, smacked Jackson silly, advancing to the finals in record time. In the other matchup, Zermatt's dimunitive point guard Rodney Stuckey was the surprise winner over Salt Lake guard Manu Ginobili, despite not technically landing a single punch. Ginobili was disqualified for his controversial "Flop-Flail-Whine" strategy, which consisted of flopping to the ground, flailing the limbs wildly, and running up to the official with a bewildered look his face.

In the finals, it was crowd favorite Stuckey who took home top prize. Chants of "Stuckey-Stuckey!" came from all over the arena, as the dark horse surprised all with his pummeling of Biedrins. Why, by the end of the classic bout, even Latvian president Valdis Zalters could be seen standing in the press box, doing the slow-clap. "He's not human," Biedrins was overheard saying to his trainer. "If only we lived in an era where people looked the other way at the taking of performance enhancing drugs. Perhpas I would have stood a better chance."
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WEEK 15 EBP WINNER
Kobe Bryant, Twin Falls

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Maracaibo-Park City Part II. A mere three weeks ago the 'Dancers waltzed into 'Caibo and shuffled off with a 6-3 victory. Both teams are now coming off losses, and can ill afford to drop another.

WEEK 15 POWER RANKINGS

2009-02-11T05:42:00.001-07:00

WHERE YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS OURS

The Wasatch takes on the World in the 4th Annual WFBL All-Star game. In 2008, the "Best" (Underdogs) defeated the "Rest" 5-3-1; in 2007, the World defeated the Wasatch 5-3-1; and in 2006, the Dynamo Dropouts defeated the Fantastic Finishers 6-3.

Three more weeks.

That's all that remains in the 2009 WFBL regular season. And while some teams are all but eliminated from contention (I see you, Bayside, St. George and Rigby!), almost everyone else has a shot at the postseason, with five teams in the running for their respective conference championships and subsequent first-round byes. As for the Power Rankings, the "#1 Musical Chairs" continues this week, as the Gators are back in the top spot. Really, your guess is as good as ours as far as how this will all play out.

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (3) 74-55-6 (6-2-1)
The Gators have but one loss in their last eight match-ups, going 45-22-5 over that span. But despite their recent fortune, there is a black cloud hovering over everything Twin Falls does (which really isn't a surprise, if you've ever been to Twin Falls), due to the recent allegations that Kobe Bryant is a cheap-shot jerk. I'm sure the Commissioner will be following this closely.

2 (5) 75-54-6 (5-4-0)
After losing three of four, the Strats seem to have righted the ship, winning their last two. Yao seems to be healthy again, but heaven help Nephi if he should go down again! No time to rest for Justin Banks, as he has the honor of coaching the Wasatch All-Stars this weekend.

3 (4) 77-54-4 (3-4-2)
With the A-Boms going down mightily, the Igs had a great chance to widen the gap between first and second place. 'Caibo not only lost to a SnowBees team that was playing without their point guard, but they also squandered one of LeBron's best statistical weeks of the season. Having now lost three of four, the schedule after the break only gets tougher: at Park City, Zermatt, at Udorn.

4 (2) 75-57-3 (2-6-1)
The Abominables haven't been this decimated by injuries since the fatefull 0-9 Concludings loss to Bayside in 2007. Paul should be ready to go after the break (possibly even for the All-Star game), but losing Al Jefferson is a serious blow. How will Barnes handle the stunning turn of events? Is it ever safe to count the A-Boms out?

5 (1) 75-57-3 (2-7-0)
I'm sure if you would have told Dave Barton at the beginning of the season that with only three weeks left his Sundancers would be a mere 1.5 games out of first place in the Wasatch Conference, he would have taken it. Two losses in the last three weeks mean the margin for error is much smaller. That Week 18 throwdown against Nephi could very well decide the conference.

6 (7) 63-68-4 (4-3-2)
Apparently there's some team operating out of Salt Lake City? And they have only one loss in the last seven weeks, going 37-22-4 in that time? And they are technically not eliminated from the playoffs, just 11.5 games behind Park City? Really? Where were we when all this happened?

7 (9) 62-73-0 (7-2-0)
Boy you wanna talk about a team that's hard to figure out, let's discuss the New York Kings. After pummeling Park City last week, and thanks to some timely losses from Udorn and Richmond, the Kings are a mere 3.5 games behind Udorn for the final World playoff spot. That Week 18 matchup against Udorn looks real nice! (Side note: the scheduling hobgoblins sure did a great job this year. Week 18 is gonna be intense!)

8 (6) 65-69-1 (4-5-0)
The good news for Udorn is that their first ever playoff appearance is absolutely in their own hands. A winnable game against Rigby precedes the aforementioned visit from New York. Of course, they'll have to get past the Iguanas in the final week of the regular season, but we all know how well the Igs do in that type of situation.

9 (11) 54-77-4 (5-3-1)
Now technically, Bayside has the worst record in the league. But they have been semi-decent the last four weeks, losing only once in that span. The Tigers have yet to put together a win streak, however (they have a couple of ties after wins), and are also not officially eliminated from the playoffs (in fact, they're closer—9.5 games back—than the SnowBees). A trip to Nephi after the break may take care of that, however.

10 (12) 54-73-8 (6-3-0)
Finally a reason to cheer in St. George, as the U-Dogs' win over Richmond puts and end to their four-week winless streak. Now it's time to play spoiler, with games against both the A-Boms and the Gators on the sched. There's always next year, St. George.

11 (8) 56-75-4 (3-5-1)
Rigby's latest loss, a 3-5-1 disaster at the hands of Bayside, just about puts the nail in the coffin. The good news is, despite being a mere game out of last place, the Trojans can still set their sights on top seed in the Consolation Round, being only seven games behind Salt Lake. This is the part of the season the Power Rankings hates.

12 (10) 58-76-1 (3-6-0)

Fun fact: Out of 15 weeks, the Butchers have been victorious only four times. Granted, two of those were 8-1 demolitions. But since those consecutive blowouts, the former postseason Cinderellas have lost seven straight, and now likely have no shot at the playoffs.

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 15

2009-02-10T05:57:00.002-07:00

PAUL INJURED—SOMEWHERE, AN ANGEL LOSES ITS WINGS; KINGS HARNESS EMERALD POWER, KNOCK OFF 'DANCERS; DESPITE WIN, BAYSIDE STILL SUCKIEST IN WFBL

Injuries to Chris Paul (left, holding crotch) and Al Jefferson (right, holding knee) sent Abomi-Nation in a tailspin. Hey wait, is that Adams smiling in the background?

CHRIS PAUL GOES DOWN, A-BOMS NOT PANICKI....WHAT? BIG AL TOO? NOOOOOOOOOOO!

TWIN FALLS (AP)—Early this week, the story for the second-place-and-closing Abominables was going to revolve around how they hung tough without their All-Star and 3-time weekly EBP, Chris Paul, who went down with a groin injury.

That was before Sunday night.

Just when Abomi-Nation had resigned themselves to losing a bit of ground to the Iguanas, while knowing that the reigning Concludings EBP would be back after the All-Star break, Al Jefferson, quite possibly the second-best player for the Abominables (and better than a lot of guys on YOUR team) suffered a torn ACL in his right knee during last week's 2-6-1 loss to the Gators.

"This is almost more than I can handle!" said an emotional Rashard Lewis, Zermatt's third-best player. "This moves me up to 'second-best', and possibly 'best' should CP3 not make it back for a while. That's just a lot of pressure."

The A-Boms have reason to worry. Jefferson has been the difference between Zermatt being just "pretty good" and "slap-ya-mama good". And with three weeks left till the playoffs, the defending champs were ready to make the move to "groin-grabbingly awesome". Oh the ironies.

"We've got to move past this," said coach Ben Barnes, who we don't need to tell you is also the league's commisioner and handles quite a bit of its public relations. "What happened happened. No need complaining about something you can't change. Having said that, and I don't want to insinuate foul play, but I find it interesting that a week ago Kobe takes out Bynum's knee and this week, both Paul and Big Al go down."

"Hey man, I don't know what he's talking about," said Kobe, after a painfully forced ten seconds of laughter. "I mean, my fist was there first, Paul shouldn't have run into it. And as for Big Al, I think we all know that it was a simple coincidence that he landed awkwardly on my foot. I mean, you couldn't intentionally tear someone's ACL if you tried a hundred times. And I should know."

So what lies in store for the A-Boms? There's really no way to know for certain. One thing, according to Barnes, is for certain.

"Kobe is a jerk of the highest order."

IGUANAS LOSE TO UNIDENTIFIED YET FAMILIAR-SMELLING OPPONENT

SALT LAKE CITY (AP)—When Los Iguanas de Maracaibo arrived in Salt Lake early last Monday, they thought it was to play a 9-game series against the SnowBees. "That's what the schedule say," center Mehmet Okur said in broken English, since he's from another country. "But when we arrive in arena, arena empty. No fans, no SnowBees, no nachos."

"We started to think maybe we'd read the schedule wrong," added forward LeBron James, who speaks English natively and is much easier to understand.

Adding to the confusion was the fact that SnowBees owner Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes recently imposed a media lockout, refusing to allow members of the press to have access to his team. As a result, local news outlets had been forced, reluctantly, to ignore the SnowBees.

"That's what was really confusing," James said. "I've played before sparse crowds in Salt Lake before. And there have been times when the SnowBees players—and even the nacho vendors—showed up late. But usually there's at least a two-inch column in the paper about the SnowBees, often written by an intern and buried on the last page of the sports section, sandwiched between a teeth-whitening ad and an article about Utah State. But this week, nothing! We were beginning to wonder if the SnowBees had suddenly ceased to exist. Sounds like the Aggies are doing pretty good, though."

But the Iguanas are basketball players, and there they were in basketball shorts on the regulation-size SnowHive Court at Mr. Mac Arena. "So we decided to play a pickup game."

That's when five mysterious-looking gentlemen arrived, also in basketball shorts, but wearing sunglasses to hide their identities. "One of them said, 'We'd like to challenge you to a series of nine games over the next seven days, during which we will not keep score, and the results of which will not be reflected in the standings, so you need not exert yourselves too much,'" James remembers. "I suggested we shoot for teams, but they kind of looked at each other nervously and said they'd rather stay on the same team."

The Iguanas agreed to the friendly best-of-nine and soon found their incognito competitors to be worthy opponents. The Iguanas were true to their word, however, and did not play up to their usual ability. "On at least half a dozen occasions," said guard Ray Allen, "I let my guy past me, thinking to myself. 'No, stop it, Ray. You promised not to play hard. Remember, this is just a friendly. Nobody's keeping score.'"

"There were several times when I took ill-advised shots, which is against my nature," said forward Paul Millsap, who, it was somehow determined, shot an uncharacteristic 36.4% from the field. "But if felt OK about it, since we weren't keeping score."

Imagine their surprise, then, the following Monday when they found themselves with a 4-3-2 loss that was, after all, reflected in the standings. They now head into the All-Star break wondering who those mysterious victors could have been.

"I swear the tall one smelled like Dirk Nowitzki," Millsap said. "But I can't say for sure because of those sunglasses. I guess it could have been anyone."

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AROUND THE WFBL

Kings 7, Sundancers 2
After unsuccessful attempts to add Sonic the Hedgehog to his roster, Kings owner TJ Barnes recently offered Sonic a job as an assistant coach, taking advantage of a loophole in league rules mandating that all players must be real but that coaches need not. Other teams may soon be tempted to add imaginary woodland creatures from other planets to their coaching staffs too, as Sonic's first week holding the clipboard was a roaring success, leading the Kings to a stunning 7-2 upset of Park City. Guard Carmelo "Dramatic" Anthony gives all the credit to his new hairy blue mentor: "Before the series he gathered the team and told us about the time back on his home planet Mobius when the chaos emeralds, which hold beauty and life in delicate balance when properly controlled, fell into the hands of the evil Dr. Robotnik, who disregarded the fundamental principles under which the chaos emeralds are controlled and tried to use their awesome power for his own selfish purposes. The result was, well, chaos. Only by running really fast and outsmarting Dr. Robotnik and his henchmen was Sonic able to reharness the power of the emeralds and restore Mobius to its peaceful state.

"Well, obviously, that's all Coach Sonic needed to say. We all looked at each other, and we knew that all season long we've each been misusing our personal 'chaos emeralds,' if you will. Right then we kind of silently vowed to control the chaos inside each of us, that harmony and balance may prevail. I really don't think we're going to lose another matchup now that we've had this awakening."

Tigers 5, Trojans 3, Your Mom 1
With three weeks left in the regular season, five teams are fighting each other tooth and nail for the right to be called "worst in the WFBL". Last week, two of those teams stated their respective cases, as the Rigby Trojans took on the Bayside Tigers. Rigby lost 3-5-1, thereby closing the gap in the standings. Rigby is now a mere two games back for the worst record in the league. "At this point, we're just happy to be in the running for some sort of title," said Rigby's Joe Johnson. "No one ever talks about you if you're second-to-last or third-to-last. But last place? You'll always be in the record books."

"That Joe Johnson's right, you know," said Bayside's Baron Davis. "And we should know. We've been first and we've been dead last, and guess what? When I say 'Bayside' you say 'Tigers' right? Everyone knows who we are. You can't buy that kind of publicity."

Stratagem 5, Jai-Rai 4
As teams continue to jockey for playoff position in their respective conferences, the perennially short-handed Nephi Stratagem had just enough to eke out a 5-4 victory against the incessantly so-so Udorn Jai-Rai. With the win, Nephi managed to retake first place from Park City while also holding off another push from Twin Falls. And with yet another close loss, the Jai-Rai have once again proven that they lack the ability to put teams away, though it does seem they have finally pulled away from Richmond in the battle for the 3rd and final playoff spot in the World. (Or was it the other way around? No matter.) Some league experts have speculated that not having Richmond in their rear view mirror (closer than they appear) might prompt something other than Udorn's special brand of complacency in the face of adversity that team devotees have come to embrace like a soft pillow. But never fear, now the Kings sit only 3.5 games behind them, giving the Jai-Rai plenty more opportunities on which to not capitalize in the few remaining weeks of the regular season. A little urgency might be in order though, as only one team will earn the chance to get decimated in the World Conference semifinals.

Underdogs 6, Butchers 3
Excerpt from an exclusive interview between the AP and Truman Barnes, 6-year-old owner of the St. George Underdogs, while the AP was making dinner and Truman was helping set the table.

AP: So, Truman, your Underdogs got some revenge against the Richmond Butchers last week, didn't they?

TRU: That's great! What does "revenge" mean?

AP: Richmond beat you guys last year in the playoffs, even though you were the number-one seed and had a first-round bye, remember?

TRU: I don't really, but I'm sure it's great!!!

AP: Well, that's not the great part. The great part is that even though you've only won four times in 16 weeks since then, two of those wins were against the Butchers. So you're getting them back for beating you. That's called revenge.

TRU: Hooray! I LOVE revenge!
MRS. AP (from an adjoining room): What did he just say?

AP: Oh. Um, actually, Truman, getting revenge isn't nice. Your team should have forgiven the Butchers and become friends with them. Don't ever let me catch you doing that again.

TRU: Basketball's kind of confusing sometimes.

AP: I know.

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WEEK 14 EBP WINNER
Chris Paul, Zermatt

WEEK 14 POWER RANKINGS

2009-02-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

WHERE WE WONDER...DID EVERYONE REALLY KEEP THEIR BEST PLAYER?

Concludings Rematch part two. In Week 3, the A-Boms benefited from a timely injury to Jason Richardson to prevail 5-4. This time, with both teams chasing down the top spot in their respective conferences, neither can afford a let down.

The announcement of this year's All-Star teams got the Power Rankings thinking, did everyone really keep their best player from last season? We know it's hard to predict so far in advance how some players will do, and not everyone had a sure-thing keeper. But our existence is based on both conjecture and second-guessing. So we went through every team's final roster from a season ago to see if there wasn't someone else they should have tagged as their keeper. The results are quite interesting.

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (4) 73-50-3 (6-3-0)
Kept: Amar'e Stoudemire.
Shoulda Kept: Kevin Garnett.
But not by much. Garnett is 7th in the Player Rater to Amar'e's 13. But with the way they've been playing, don't cry for the Sundancers.

2 (3) 73-51-2 (7-2-0)
Kept: Chris Paul
Shoulda Kept: Chris Paul
There really was no question about keeping this year's #1 player. And to top it off, the A-Boms' 2nd-highest rated player, Rashard Lewis (10th), was acquired via trade. Darn those A-Boms! How do they do it!?

3 (1) 68-53-5 (4-4-1)
Kept: Kobe Bryant
Shoulda Kept: Kobe Bryant
Another no-brainer for the Gators, as Kobe in most cases would be your team's top option. He currently checks in at #6, while his next highest option, Vince Carter, is 19th.

4 (2) 74-50-2 (3-6-0)
Kept: LeBron James
Shoulda Kept: LeBron James
LeBron and CP3 have been taking turns all season as the #1 player in the league, and only an idiot would not have kept him. And Fran Hopkin is no idiot. Although you can't get better than their next-best player from a year ago, Danny Granger (3).

5 (5) 70-50-6 (7-2-0)
Kept: Yao Ming
Shoulda Kept: Yao Ming
The League stifled their collective laughter when the Strats kept Yao after his injury-plagued season a year ago. Who's stifling laughter now? Yao is the top-rated center (12th overall), and their next-highest player, Brandon Roy (28) was snagged in the draft.

6 (6) 60-65-1 (5-3-1)
Kept: Deron Williams
Shoulda Kept: Tim Duncan
We'll never know how things would have turned out had Williams (74) not been injured to start the season. Duncan (22), however, has been his same consistent self in helping Udorn's rival, Twin Falls.

7 (8) 59-65-2 (5-4-0)
Kept: Dirk Nowitzki
Shoulda Kept: Dirk Nowitzki
The SnowBees got something right! It's hard to pass up a guy like Dirk (5), who has been solid all season. Next-best option would have been center Al Jefferson (16), currently thriving in Zermatt.

8 (7) 54-69-3 (3-6-0)
Kept: Joe Johnson
Shoulda Kept: Joe Johnson
It was really slim pickins for the Trojans, who kept Johnson (29) over "studs" like Kirilenko (47), Brad Miller (75) and Tony Parker (76).

9 (10) 55-71-0 (4-5-0)
Kept: Steve Nash
Shoulda Kept: Ray Allen
Allen, ranked 8th on the Player Rater, has been having a career year for the hated Iguanas, while Nash (44) has been grossly underperforming. In their defense, no one knew Nash would stink so much this year.

10 (9) 55-70-1 (2-7-0)

Kept: Josh Smith
Shoulda Kept: Kevin Durant
Another case of hindsight being 20/20, as Smith was one of last year's highest-rated players, but is currently 129th. Durant on the other hand? Ninth. On the bright side, Kidd, whom they ended up nabbing in the draft, is 14th.

11 (11) 49-74-3 (4-4-1)
Kept: Baron Davis
Shoulda Kept: Pau Gasol
Gasol is rated 26th. Davis is currently rated 147. To put that in perspective, there are 34 PGs rated higher. The good news? Jarret Jack, their other current PG, is 137th! Bad news? Jarret Jack, their other current PG, is 137th.

12 (12) 47-71-8 (3-5-1)
Kept: Dwight Howard
Shoulda Kept: Dwyane Wade
Big, dominant center—an obvious choice, right? While Howard has been good (27), take a gander at who Truman had to choose from on last year's squad: Wade (4), Billups (11), and Jamison (20), not to mention David Lee (31), Biedrins (34), Butler (36). At least they didn't keep Marion (71). Let's all agree that their loss to the Gators in the playoffs last year was truly the greatest upset in the history of the WFBL.

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 14

2009-02-03T05:25:00.010-07:00

'DANCERS DO DAMAGE TO 'CAIBO'S DOMINANCE; SNOWBEES HUSH-HUSH—OR ARE THEY?; A PERSONAL LOOK AT KOBE'S LOCKER

The following story does not prominently feature superstars Lebron James and Dwyane Wade, but this image does. They appear to be pointing at something.

WILLIAMS GIVES MO; VILLANUEVA SUPER IN SUNDANCER VICTORY

MARACAIBO (AP)—The WFBL loves their stars, and Lebron James and Dwyane Wade are two of the brightest. But do we have to be subjected to highlights of their awesomeness every week? You people had enough?

Gimme Some Mo.

Answering the power rankings' affront that they had yet to beat anyone noteworthy, the Park City Sundancers thumped the soon-to-be-not first place Iguanas de Maracaibo, 6-3. Looking to shake off any lingering mayonnaise, wait, scratch that, malaise after suffering their second loss of the season last week, the 'Dancers called on point guard Mo Williams (benched since week 9), and Charlie "Super" Villanueva (benched since always) to come out of hibernation and lead the charge.

Williams, who has been plagued by inconsistency this season, put together his most complete performance of the year, after being subjected to watching the antics of Randy Foye and Nate Robinson the last four weeks.

And Villanueva, who earlier this season accused Park City management of discriminating against him on account of his lack of eyebrows, seems to have had something of a personal awakening. After his equally huge series, Villanueva disclosed, "I guess I finally just realized that having eyebrows does not a great basketball player make—being good at basketball does. Though I think Memo derives some sort of Samson-like power from his."

Another big factor in Park City's victory were the key contributions from Kevin "Duran" Durant in percentages, rebounds, blocks, and points. Durant, if you recall, was recently acquired in a deal with St. George that is looking more and more lopsided by the week. "That is my favorite kind of deal," acknowledged Park City owner Dave Barton. "Assuming I am on the lopside, that is."

See? One recap without Lebron or Wade isn't the end of the world. Now if only we could do something about that media hound Chris Paul.*

*Ed. Note: We love you Chris!

BEEKEEPER GIVES MEDIA SILENT TREATMENT AS SNOWBEES "QUIETLY" KEEP WINNING

SALT LAKE CITY, USA (AP)—As of press time, Salt Lake City was still considered part of the United States of America, which technically means that rights guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution and its amendments still apply, such as freedom of speech, freedom of the press, yadda, yadda. As Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes points out, however, the Supreme Court has never ruled on the applicability of the Constitution to owners of WFBL franchises. Therefore, as owner of the Salt Lake SnowBees, Barnes announced Monday that, effective immediately, members of the media will be denied access to any and all SnowBees players or personnel until further notice.

When asked the reason for this unreasonable policy, the Beekeeper snapped, "Don't you know what 'effective immediately' means? It means starting now! So no more questions!!"

As reporters pressed (they are, after all, "the press"), Barnes responded by putting his fingers in his ears and shouting, "I can't hear you, la la-la la la-la."

The announcement came shortly after the SnowBees' relatively quiet 5-4 win over the New York Kings moved them imperceptibly closer to the third and final Wasatch Conference playoff spot, the latest chapter in Salt Lake's late-season playoff surge (perhaps "playoff lurch" would be a better term).

The Beekeeper's silent treatment means that media representative will no longer have the privilege of visiting the SnowBees' smelly locker room after games to interrupt surly basketball players while they shower and dress so they can talk about how great they are.

Luckily for us, the media, and you, the consuming public whom we serve, professional athletes need attention like pregnant women need ice cream—they crave it beyond the bounds of reason. Shortly after the Beekeeper made his announcement, local news outlets were bombarded with furtive phone calls from SnowBees players offering to make themselves available for interviews on the condition of anonymity. The following is an excerpt from an interview with one of those players, who insisted on being called "Deep Threat" and whose name we'll try to remember not to mention:

AP: Thank you, Deep Threat, for offering to speak out despite the Beekeeper's moratorium.

DT: It's the least I can do for you, the media, considering everything you do to maintain interest among the consuming public for this profession of mine. If it wasn't for you blowing basketball out of proportion by framing it as "news," people would probably not spend so much of their hard-earned money on us, and then I'd have to get a real job. So even though I'm coming to you at the peril of my own life, I feel the sacrifice is worth it.

AP: You're a brave man. Now, can you shed any light on the Beekeeper's reasons for restricting access to his players?

DT: Well, you know the Beekeeper. Sometimes he gets these ideas in his head, and it's impossible to reason with him. He called a team meeting before the New York series and told us that he's been studying up on sports, and he's convinced that we have a better chance of winning if we "fly under the radar."

AP: What do you think "under the radar" means?

DT: At first I thought it meant "under .500," which is what we've been doing all season. But he says it means we need to keep a low profile so that we can catch teams by surprise and then maybe it will be easier to beat them. So that's why I'm not supposed to talk to you, because media coverage tips our opponent off as to our existence and spoils the element of surprise.

AP: Do you think the Beekeeper realizes that, per league rules, all weekly WFBL matchups get covered by the media, no matter how inconsequential they are in terms of the playoffs?

DT: Like I said, when he gets an idea, there's really no point trying to explain things like that to him.

AP: Ironic, isn't it, that the Beekeeper's no-media policy has actually brought the SnowBees more media attention than their mediocre play has brought all season. Witness, for example, this unusually long article about a nonplayoff team.

DT: Yes, except I want to take issue with that "mediocre" part. Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're currently on kind of a hot streak. We've only lost once since before Christmas, and we've almost cut our games-behind-third-place deficit to single digits.

AP: Yeah, whatever. So how would you compare the Beekeeper's Nazi-like policies to your experiences growing up behind the iron curtain in your native Germany?

DT: That's a good question, but don't you think talking about my native Germany might reveal my identity?

AP: Oh, good point. Well, hypothetically speaking, how would you imagine that playing for the SnowBees compares to living in Nazi Germany?

DT: Nazi Germany was more successful economically and slightly more trusting of its citizens. Or, at least, that's how I imagine it, lacking any firsthand experience.

AP: Thank you, Deep Threat. You have a big series coming up against Maracaibo, who is probably smarting from their big loss last week and anxious to take out their frustrations on you. Good luck.

DT: Thanks. We're kind of hoping the Iguanas won't even realize that we exist and we'll be able to catch them by surprise.
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AROUND THE WFBL

Abominables 7, Trojans 2
There are a few things in this universe that we can count on. Death, taxes, the NFC winning the coin toss in the Super Bowl, and so on. Add to that list the clockwork-like way Switzerland's finest—those lovable Zermatt Abominables—seem to make a run in the second half of the season. And lucky for A-Bom fans—and all of us, really—the annual surge always coincides with another great constant in the universe: the late-season Iguana free-fall, aka the "'Caibo Collpase". This year, it's happening a bit early, as the Igs' lead, which at one time was as high as 8, now sits at a mere 1 game. And with all eyes looking towards that Week 18 match-up in Maracaibo, a nation's mind is stirred to remember the A-Boms' 9-0 win in the final week of the season a year ago, and their 6-3 victory in the penultimate week of '07. Not saying that the Iguanas should be scared, necessarily. One shouldn't fear death. It's a natural part of the life cycle. Just like the "'Caibo Collapse."

Jai-Rai 5, Underdogs 3, Unclaimed 1
Shed no tears, America, for the St. George Underdogs. Sure, they just lost a very winnable series against Udorn and now find themselves battling Bayside for the worst record in the league. "Some people might call that a problem," says the U-Dogs' doggedly optimistic Dwight Howard, "but I say that a problem is just an opportunity in work clothes. If you can get your problem to put those work clothes in the laundry, take a good shower, and put on something more stylish, like an expensive Italian suit and wing-tip shoes, purchased on credit, and then maybe find him a white-collar office job filing papers and answering his cell phone all day instead of getting his clothes dirty doing real work, then maybe that problem can become upwardly mobile and qualify for a high-interest mortgage on a house that's bigger than he needs. Then he can have the illusion of wealth without really having to earn it. This is why America is called the Land of Opportunity."

Stratagem 7, Butchers 2
With their series against the Richmond Butchers well in hand, and primed to shave another game off Park City's conference lead, the beleaguered Nephi Stratagem roster piled up yet another casualty. After finally cracking the starting lineup, things were looking up for backup center Andrew Bynum—until Kobe Bryant collided with his leg on Saturday night. Formerly fit as a fiddle and playing some of the best basketball of his career, Bynum is now out for the season with a torn medial collateral ligament in his right knee. Meanwhile, Bryant, who by all accounts should have been on the court in Twin Falls facing Bayside some 2300 miles away, has been unavailable for questioning. An unconfirmed report from a source close to the team is circulating that owner Justin Banks is currently "holding his team together with pipe cleaners and duct tape."

Gators 4, Tigers 4, Humanity 1
At the beginning of the season, the Twin Falls Gators had a few goals in mind for 2008-09. While the pedestrian goals—make the playoffs, finish in first, win the Concludings, etc—are easy enough, the one that stood out as simply unattainable is the one still fridge-magnet-ed to the locker of each and every player: Keep Zermatt From the Playoffs. The top-ranked (you can preface that with, "formerly", that's for sure) Gators, fresh off a stumblingly pathetic 4-4-1 tie to last place Bayside, get their final direct shot at acheiving their goal, welcoming the A-Boms to town. They'll need help, too, with the defending champs a mere (cough) 18.5 games ahead of Richmond, with five weeks to go. But still, that's not stopping Kobe and Co. from giving it their all. "We need this win, we absolutely must have it," said Bryant. "People talk about winning a championship as the ultimate goal. I already did that. That's been done by a lot of people. But Zermatt's never not made the playoffs. So as you can see, all our focus—mine at least—will be on stopping them." "Not me," said forward Tim Duncan. "Who cares about Zermatt? I want a ring! Gimme gimme!"

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WEEK 13 EBP WINNER
LeBron James, Maracaibo

2009 ALL-STARS ANNOUNCED

2009-01-30T13:54:00.018-07:00

PAUL, WADE HEAD LIST OF ALL-STAR VOTING; NENE, BIBBY TWO OF EIGHT FIRST-TIMERS

Chris Paul was the leading vote-getter (based on the Player Rater, don't get your panties in a bunch) for the 2009 All-Star Game, to be held in Zermatt, Switzerland during Week 16's bye week.

ZERMATT (AP)—Chris Paul, getting his second starting nod, headlines this year's list of All-Star starters, along with such old reliables as Dwyane Wade and LeBron James (both making their fourth appearance in four tries). But the big news this year is that among your 2009 starters are four other players making the game for the first time. Twin Falls' Mike Bibby gets will start at PG along with Park City's Kevin Durant at SF for the Wasatch Conference, while New York's Nene suits up at PF alongside Zermatt's Al Jefferson for the World.

"I was just anxious to find out," said Bibby. "Everyone kept saying 'you're an All-Star, the Wasatch doesn't have really great PGs, you're a shoo-in', etc. It's nice to get the respect that no one, including myself, thinks I deserve. Not bad for a guy that'll probably get benched the week before the festivities. Man, you gotta love the WFBL!"

There are some players who can complain if they want to for not making the team—but it really won't change anything so stop whining—such as Salt Lake's Pau Gasol, Nephi's Brandon Roy, and Paul Millsap of Maracaibo.

"Hey what about me?" cried Kobe Bryant, who appeared via an unexpected video conference call. "How am I not starting? What is this? Don't you know who I am?" Bryant will be backing up Park City's Dwyane Wade.

As for the All-Star Diversion Weekend participants, those players are yet to be determined, and may possibly be decided randomly during the festivities, so everybody better be there and be ready!

"What? You can't be serious!" said Udorn's Ricky Davis. "What about my vay-kay? Nuts to this. Sometimes the Commish can be such a jerk."

Right now, it's a neck and neck race to see who will coach each respective squad. Again, the coach whose team has the best record going into the Week 16 bye will have that honor. As of right now, that means Dave Barton of Park City and Fran Hopkin of Maracaibo.

Starters and reserves listed below.

(Name, Team, All-Star Appearances)

MIKE BIBBY, TWIN FALLS GATORS (1)
Jameer Nelson, Salt Lake SnowBees (1)
José Calderón, Nephi Stratagem (1)

DWYANE WADE, PARK CITY SUNDANCERS (4)
Kobe Bryant, Twin Falls Gators (4)
Joe Johnson, Rigby Trojans (2)

KEVIN DURANT, PARK CITY SUNDANCERS (1)
Vince Carter, Rigby Trojans (3)
Gerald Wallace, Twin Falls Gators* (2)

DIRK NOWITZKI, SALT LAKE SNOWBEES (4)
Kevin Garnett, Nephi Stratagem (4)
Chris Bosh, Park City Sundancers (3)

YAO MING, NEPHI STRATAGEM (3)
Amar'e Stoudemire, Park City Sundancers (3)
Dwight Howard, St. George Underdogs^ (2)

Totals:
4 Park City
3 Nephi
3 Twin Falls
2 Rigby
2 Salt Lake
1 St. George

^ Due to the "every team gets a representative" rule, Dwight Howard will be an All-Star. In case you're wondering, the Gators' Tim Duncan get's the shaft.)

* Should Gerald Wallace's lung fail to stop being collapsed, Nephi's Brandon Roy would take Joe Johnson's place at SG, with Johnson taking Wallace's place at SF

(Name, Team, All-Star Appearances)

CHRIS PAUL, ZERMATT ABOMINABLES (2)
Chauncey Billups, Los Iguanas de Maracaibo (3)
Jason Kidd, Richmond Butchers (2)

RAY ALLEN, LOS IGUANAS DE MARACAIBO (3)
Jason Terry, Bayside Tigers (2)
Paul Pierce, New York Kings (3)

LEBRON JAMES, LOS IGUANAS DE MARACAIBO (4)
Danny Granger, Udorn Jai-Rai * (1)
Rashard Lewis, Zermatt Abominables (4)

NENE, NEW YORK KINGS (1)
Antawn Jamison, Zermatt Abominables (2)
David Lee, Udorn Jai-Rai (1)

AL JEFFERSON, ZERMATT ABOMINABLES (1)
Marcus Camby, Bayside Tigers (3)
Andris Biedrins, Richmond Butchers (3)

Totals:
4 Zermatt
3 Maracaibo
2 Bayside
2 New York
2 Richmond
2 Udorn

* Should Danny Granger's knee keep him from competing, Bayside's Caron Butler would take his place.

WEEK 13 POWER RANKINGS

2009-01-27T20:46:00.001-07:00

WHERE THE GATORS (!) RULE THE LAND...AND AN ALL-STAR ANNOUNCEMENT IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

First place in the Wasatch: Park City. First place in the World: Maracabio. These two teams are going to be getting very familiar with eachother over the next few weeks.

A unique scheduling quirk has the Sundancers and Iguanas playing eachother twice in the next four weeks (and, if thet two teams have anything to say about it, once more in the Concludings). Needless to say, 'Dancers-Igs is the Game of the Week, as potential All-Stars and EBP candidates Dwyane Wade and LeBron square off. Wonder who'll be representing your favorite team in Zermatt in two weeks? Check back this weekend for the big announcement!

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (2) 64-49-4 (7-2-0)
After only two victories in their first seven weeks, the Gators have completely turned it around, winning five of their last six. Everyone will obviously point towards Kobe as the reason for the recent success but guess what? Kobe was on the team when the Gators sucked too! So now who's so great?

2 (3) 71-44-2 (7-2-0)
Another week, another game shaved off the Iguanas' conference lead. The Igs can go one of two ways in the next few weeks (Park City, at Salt Lake, at Park City, Zermatt): they can stake their claim as the team to beat in the 2009 Playoffs...or cement their reputation as Biggest Chokers of All-Time.

3 (5) 66-49-2 (8-1-0)
Well, now, there's the A-Boms we know and love! Don't look now, but Zermatt's been closing fast on the World-leading Iguanas. At this rate, they should only be a game back by their Week 18 rematch.

4 (1) 67-47-3 (2-7-0)
Pfff...Park City. You think you're so tough. Sure you've got that pristine record, but who have you beaten? You beat the Crappy Gators early on, and got lucky against the A-Boms, but as for the rest of your schedule? Talk about cupcakes! Yeah, call us when (if) you beat the Iguanas this week!

5 (4) 63-48-6 (3-6-0)
So, who had "Week 13" in the "when will a Yao injury cost the Strats a victory" office pool? Here's where the cunning draft-day...um...strategy...of Justin Banks gets its chance to pay off. Out with Yao, in with Andrew Bynum.

6 (6) 55-62-0 (5-4-0)
No 5-4 victories? How 'bout 3 straight 5-4 victories? With their team finally in place for the final playoff spot in the World, Udorn fans can't really complain about 5-4 victories. Instead they should complain about another devestating injury, this time to star SG Michael Redd. Waaaa-waaaaaah.

7 (11) 51-63-3 (6-3-0)
Seriously, the Power Rankings throw their hands up in disbelief at the Trojans. You beat the Iguanas and tie the 'Dancers, then follow that up with big losses to the Gators and SnowBees. Just when we think you're toast, you clobber the Strats. What's next a road victory at the A-Boms? Yeah, we'd like to see that!

8 (9) 54-61-2 (4-4-1)
Oh and look what we have here, it's Salt Lake! Now technically, a playoff berth isn't out of the question, but 11 games is a lot to make up in five weeks. Especially when you're tying the U-Dogs. Still, only one loss in the last five weeks has SnowBee fans dreaming of the postseason.

9 (8) 53-63-1 (2-7-0)

After back-to-back 8-1 victories, the Butchers are on a devestating five-week losing streak, and find themselves on the outside of the playoff picture looking in. Something's gotta give as the Strugglin' Strats come to town this week.

10 (7) 51-66-0 (1-8-0)
Week 8: 3-6 loss. Week 9: 6-3 win. Week 10: 6-3 win. Week 11: 3-6 loss. Week 12: 8-1 win. Week 13: 1-8 loss. We don't know what's going to happen to the Kings this week at Salt Lake, but odds are the exact opposite will happen the week after against Park City.

11 (10) 45-70-2 (4-5-0)
You know, for only having 12 games (to Udorn's 20)—due to your starting point guard and center being out (are they really considered "starting" if they aren't playing?)—a 4-5 loss really isn't anything to be ashamed of. Sitting idly by as your team's season gets flushed down the toilet? That's something to be ashamed of.

12 (12) 44-66-7 (4-4-1)
So it's come to this. A year ago, the entire league took on the Underdogs in the All-Star game, due to St. George's utter dominance. Word on the street is that this year the U-Dogs will only be getting a player in the Game due to the "every teams sends a representative" rule. Don't believe us? Check back this weekend for the All-Star team announcements!

THIS OLD-TIMEY WEEK IN THE WFBL

2009-01-27T05:27:00.007-07:00

GATORS KEEP ROLLING, DEMOLISH 'DANCERS; TROJANS OUT-STRATEGIZE STRATAGEM; SNOWBEES, U-DOGS TAKE HISTORY LESSON

A victim of the so-called power rankings curse, Amare Stoudemire has seen better days.

'DANCER NATION ADDRESSES POWER RANKINGS HONCHO AFTER LOSS

PARK CITY (AP)—A week after earning their first 9-0 victory in franchise history and moving past Los Iguanas de Maracaibo for the coveted #1 spot in the power rankings, the Park City Sundancers stumbled to the surging Twin Falls Gators by a stinging score of 7-2. After this unexpected setback, members of Sundancer Nation have written an open letter to the mysterious Power Rankings Committee. How does this relate to the outcome of the actual game? Read on and find out. (Editor's Note: As is often typical of hardcore fans, the letter has been written as though they are actually part of the team, using possessive nouns such as "we" and "our".)

Dear Power Rankings Committee,

Your prestigious members have voted us to the #1 spot three times in our franchise history—once early in the 06-07 season and twice this year. While this accomplishment may seem like a good thing, we who are experts at finding the negative in otherwise positive scenarios, contend that it is not. Allow us to explain.

Unlike Deseret News movie critic Jeff Vice's unflapping composure in the presence of stars like Tom Hanks or Forest Whitaker, we seem to get a bit flustered when we are awarded #1. Our only two series losses this season have come after reaching this summit. Additionally, our franchise record while holding the #1 spot is 7-19-1.

While in this position, not only do we suffer collectively, but individually as well. Amare Stoudemire, once tabbed as the first black James Bond, this week resembled a creaky 57 year old Roger Moore in A View To A Kill, awkwardly advancing on girls less than half his age. Our slumping big man had almost as many turnovers (16) as rebounds (19), and shot an uncharacteristic 36% from the field.

This power rankings curse (for lack of a better word) has proven itself to be even stronger than the good will of the Sundance Film Festival, which is currently wrapping up. In previous seasons, festival week has given our boys the boost they needed to break out of lingering slumps. Not so this year.

Earlier this season we handily thumped the Gators 7-2, which coincidentally was enough to move us to #1 the first time. Now we find ourselves on the losing end of a 7-2 beatdown, courtesy of none other than the Gators, likely dropping us out of the #1 spot once again. This so-called curse, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.

Finally, as fans, we prefer to root for the wily underdog (not to be confused with THE Underdogs). For this, and all reasons previously mentioned, we are pleading with your committee members to not elect us to #1 in the power rankings until the Sundancers have successfully triumphed in the Concludings, and are being showered with confetti. Then it is ok.

Sincerely,
Sundancer Nation
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U-DOGS, SNOWBEES TAKE OLD-TIMEY WEEK TO WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL

ST GEORGE (AP)—Nobody knows how to celebrate the WFBL's Old-Timey Week quite like St. George, for obvious reasons. While teams from younger cities throughout the league honored our venerable past simply by donning long-discarded uniforms, the hometown St. George Underdogs and the visiting Salt Lake SnowBees turned their matchup into an elaborate history lesson/nostalgic trip down memory lane, setting a new standard for compromising the integrity of the game for the sake of gimmicks designed to attract attention and increased revenue.

The series began with each player reciting his favorite Victorian poem, the highlight coming when U-Dog guard Ben Gordon reminded us all why we commemorate Old-Timey Week in the first place—besides the increased revenue—with these words from Tennyson's "In Memoriam":

So word by word, and line by line,
The dead man touch'd me from the past,
And all at once it seem'd at last
The living soul was flash'd on mine.

Then Super Energy Vitamin Pill Arena seemed to be magically transported back in time, as the players from both teams took the court wearing canvas high-tops and tight-fitting thick cotton uniforms. Players were allowed to shoot only two-handed set shots (no jumpers or layups) and were required to run in quick, jerky movements. The pace of the game seemed a little slower than usual, since officials had to climb a ladder and retrieve the ball out of the peach basket after every made shot. But the St. George crowd, all wearing their Sunday best, the men looking dapper in their cravats and bowler hats and the women in petticoats and parasols, didn't seem to care, as most of them were just happy to have something to help them keep their minds off the Great Depression and the Black Plague and things like that.

As the series proceeded, each player was given the opportunity to honor an era of world history of his choice. SnowBees forward Dirk Nowitzki, for example, commemorated Medeival Germany by not bathing or washing his uniform all week. U-Dog forward and Dominican native Francisco Garcia recalled Christopher Columbus's 1492 conquest of the Dominican Republic for Spain by recording four steals, all of them against Spaniard Pau Gasol. SnowBees guard Manu Ginobili honored his South American heritage by wearing an Incan headdress throughout the series and agreeing to offer himself and his teammates as human sacrifices if they lost (fortunately, the series ended in a 4-4-1 tie).

U-Dog center Dwight Howard chose to honor our brave World War II veterans by enlisting in the Navy and spending the week in the Pacific, where he shot down 21 Japanese war planes and deflected 6 enemy bombs with his bare hands, although unfortunately none of those stats counted toward his team's totals. SnowBees guard Jamal Crawford also chose a military theme, honoring our brave Vietnam-era draft-dodgers by staging a sit-in, handcuffing himself to the scorer's table and refusing to play the final two games of the series.

But the highlight of the series, of course, came afterwards when executives from both teams celebrated the true meaning of Old-Timey Week by counting up the gate receipts and the merchandise sales and depositing the money in their bank accounts.

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AROUND THE WFBL

Iguanas (Pups) 7, Butchers (Sand Dunes) 2
The Pups, still lovable—and unbeatable!—in their purple-and-orange-trimmed getup, had more than enough "getup" for the fast-falling Sand Dunes. "7 to 2, how do you do!" exclaimed their King of the week, LeBron James. "Well, sir, we had it on our minds to make sure we made crisp bounce passes, sharp back-cuts, and to keep those hands in the air. That's the key to winning your match, that's right." The 'Dunes could be wise to follow Mr. James' advice. "That LeBron is an alright chap," said all-around talent Josh Smith. "A bit too full of himself for my taste, but he sure can bring a crowd, ain't that right?"

Abominables (Fightin' Yetis) 8, Kings (Triceratops) 1
In the aftermath of a disheartening loss that set his team back in a tight playoff race, Kings center Nene (whose name means "baby" in Portuguese, which probably seemed to his parents like an appropriate name when Nene was born but feels a little strange now that he's 6-11 and weighs 250 pounds) made it a point to express to the media his personal confidence in struggling point guard Steve Nash, who, at age 34, is the Kings' own "Old Timer" (as 8-year-old owner TJ Barnes likes to point out, "He's even older than Daddy," if you can fathom that). "Creaky bones and poor shooting percentages aside, Nash is still the leader of this team," Nene said of week 12's EBP, who provided good evidence that popular vote may not be the best way to decide the EBP. "Everyone likes to talk about how great players make their teammates better. Well Steve has been doing that for years, and now he's elevated his game to a new level: he not only makes his teammates better, but he also makes his opponents better.

"That's why when I saw that he had been nominated as last week's EBP I immediately subscribed to eight different Internet service providers so I could vote for him often enough to put him over the top. Did that make a mockery of the EBP voting process? Perhaps. But then again, you could argue that our entire league makes a mockery of professional basketball, so I don't really feel guilty."

Trojans 6, Stratagem (Nephites) 3
Just when it looked like the Nephi Stratagem were well on their way to an easy victory, primed to reclaim first place from the faltering Sundancers, a defiant Yao Ming stood up and said "stop right there!" before quickly sitting down again. Suffering from a dreaded "knee bump," Yao sat out the better part of two games, allowing the dark horse Trojans to wheel in unexpectedly and overtake the surprised Strats. "We do have a gameplan for when Yao goes down, and we tried a little bit of everything," explained Kevin Garnett, "from building large ridges of earth around Rigby's basket to giving Joe Johnson of our wine that he might become exceedingly drunken—but he wouldn't fall for it. I hate to say it, but this time the Stratagem were straight up out-strategized."

Jai-Rai 5, Tigers (Fast Dollys) 4
Recently, there hasn't been much to cheer about in "Jai-Land", but what's that? Three straight victorious outings in a row, and those snake-throwing monkey-men find themselves in a nonpareil position—that's right, playoff position! But hold the phone, folks, nobody ever said you could have your cake and eat it too! In the midst of all this good fortune, our friends from the East take a serious shot to their star shooter, Marvelous Michael Redd. Seems his knee ain't what it used to be, and havin' tears in those bone-connectin' fibers is more than enough to sideline your season. So the Jai-Rai will have to buck up and push along the road to postseason glory without him. As for Redd? Well, it's off to waiver-land for you. Thanks for you help, but your services are no longer required. Don't let the door hit you on the knee on your way out.

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WEEK 12 EBP WINNER
Steve Nash, New York