WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS

WHERE WE DON'T EXPECT YOU TO TALK...WE EXPECT YOU TO DIE

The Iguanas are running roughshod over the rest of the WFBL so far. Can the Strats slow LeBron and Co down?

In honor of the release of the latest James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, the Power Rankings will now systematically assign 007 movie titles to each team, according to our whim and pleasure. Amare Stoudemire will play the part of Bond, Kobe will be Jaws, the Commish will play the part of Blofeld, and Chris Paul will play the part of his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. (Feel free to offer any other suggestions in the comments section)

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (1) 17-10 (5-4-0)
GOLDFINGER: The arguably best Bond movie goes to the arguably best WFBL team, your defending champs. The A-Boms have had the golden touch for 12 straight weeks, and can continue their unprecedented run against the U-Dogs (who last season started off with 7 straight victories).


2 (4) 19-7-1 (7-2-0)
THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH: The Iguanas are off to a quick start and are in first place in the World Conference. But, as the title says, that's not quite enough for the Igs—they want the top spot in the power rankings too. A healthy beat-down of the Strats just might be enough to get them there.


3 (2) 15-12-0 (5-4-0)
CASINO ROYALE: Last year's loveable losers, affectionately referred to as "Park City and Zermatt's farm team", the Stratagem's luck has changed, as Nephi has started the season strong with three wins in a row. But luck be a lady, because volatile Ron Artest and fragile Yao Ming, Brandon Roy and José Calderón, will be key to Nephi making a run.


3 (3) 15-11-1 (5-4-0)
LICENCE TO KILL: Park City, your team is absolutely stacked! You've been given a licence (that's the British spelling) to kill lesser teams, why don't you use it? What, are you trying to bed them first? You stay in third this week, tied with Nephi, but M has given you specific orders to take out the Bayside Tigers, no questions asked.


5 (5) 13-13-1 (4-5-0)
QUANTUM OF SOLACE: The Gators are in need of solace, as they were once again humbled by those jerks the Abominables. Well here's some comfort: You lost two weeks in a row but once again remain entrenched in 5th place. Watch out though, Richmond's ready to metaphorically steal all the water from your Bolivian peasants, as it were.


6 (6) 15-11-1 (3-5-1)
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE: A low-key, grittier Bond movie, which some profess to be better than the bigger-is-better Bond spectacles that followed, makes an apt comparison for the Butchers, who seem to always be under the radar—and at least last year—ended up surprising the league with their staying power. So far not so good without superstar Josh Smith in the lineup though.


7 (9) 14-12-1 (6-3-0)
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN: Keeper Joe Johnson has been quite the marksman from long range so far this season (a reliable source tells me he even has a third nipple). Even after Rigby trades away one of their biggest three-point threats (Rashard Lewis), they still lead the league from beyond the arc by a healthy margin (22 threes to be exact). Can the Trojans keep their aim true at New York this week?


8 (11) 12-13-2 (5-3-1)
MOONRAKER: We'll be nice and say that the comparison is due to Dwight Howard's blocking prowess, not the fact that the unfortunate space-themed entry is considered the worst Bond movie of all time. A nice win against the Butchers moves St. George up a bit. A nicer win against lineup-shifting Zermatt would move them up even more.


9 (7) 10-17-0 (2-7-0)
TOMORROW NEVER DIES: Well, SnowBees, you may suck today, but there's always tomorrow (which never dies, whatever the heck that means). Isn't that what the Beekeeper is always telling his fans? If not, he can feel free to use that little nugget to console them. Because frankly, the Power Rankings has no idea what to tell them.


10 (10) 11-16 (4-5-0)
DR. NO: The title of the first James Bond movie? Nope, it's D-Will's reaction to his physician upon hearing he won't be ready to play for another week or two (Dr.? Noooooo!) But not to fear, Jai-Rai fans, Williams is as bull-headed as they come, and it looks like he'll be in the starting lineup this week as the SnowBees come to town (but will he actually play?).


11 (12) 8-19-0 (4-5-0)
ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE: Her Majesty probably isn't too pleased with the way the Kings have been struggling this season. However, New York was in danger of a 9-0 loss to Park City, but managed to cut it to 5-4 before all was finished. Perhaps the return of Greg Oden is the secret to turning the kingdom around?

12 (8) 9-17-1 (3-6-0)
DIE ANOTHER DAY: Just when you think it can't get worse for the Tigers, it seems they die another day—that day being every day, evidently. Another week, another loss for the over-hyped Bayside boys. Lachowsky's men hope to live down their Bond title in Park City this week. Yeah, and Halle Berry might win an Oscar someday. Wait, what?

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 3

A-BOMS SURVIVE GATORS, KEEP STREAK ALIVE; ST. GEORGE BACK TO WINNING WAYS; BEEKEEPER TO PLAYERS, FANS: "YOU MAY NOW PANIC"













"You touched my heart you touched my soul/You changed my life and all my goals." (Awk-waaaaaard!)

Former Teammates Welcome Kobe, Gators to Zermatt, Pretend Things Aren't Weird

ZERMATT (AP)—Everyone's lovable winners, the Defending Champion Zermatt Abominables, were up to their old tricks again last week, as they welcomed one of their many arch-nemeses, the Twin Falls Gators, to town. Billed as a no-holds-barred matchup for the ages, the Gators and A-Boms did not disappoint, as the Champs again benefitted from the picky taste of the Injury Bug's palate, which decided to feast on one Jason Richardson. His absence arguably cost Twin Falls the game, as the A-Boms eked out a 5-4 victory.

But lost in the madness of another Zermatt win (that's 12 weeks without a loss, for those of you counting at home), was the undeniably uncomfortable feeling permeating throughout Chateau Alpin Arena. "Yeah well the thing is, Kobe and us, we didn't really leave on good terms," said former Gator and current Abominable Allen Iverson, of himself and fellow-ex-Gator David West. "I mean, he's my homeboy, but dude's got issues."

Rumor has it that when Iverson and West were drafted by the A-Boms, Kobe didn't take too kindly to their departures. "It was really kind of creepy to be honest with you," said West. "A simple 'see you later, thanks for the good times' would have done, but the phone calls at 2 A.M., the text messages, the ad in the Twin Falls newspaper."

"I mean, Kobe promised that if we ever ended up on different teams, he wouldn't be weird about it," said Iverson, who, unlike West, was unable to go the whole week without making eye contact with Bryant. "But we showed up to the arena and he had delivered 'Kobe, AI and Fluffy's Totally Awesome CD Mix!!!' I mean, there was some weird stuff on that mix, man."

"Hey man, go easy on the mix, there's some tight songs on there," interrupted West. "That James Blunt can sing, man."

__________________________________________________________________

U-Dogs Find Alter Ego, True Selves in Victory

ST GEORGE (AP)—Most people think that when elderly people flock to St. George, Utah, around November it's because they're trying to escape the snowy weather in colder climates to the north. But people who think that aren't being honest with themselves. The true reason for these "snowbirds'" yearly migration is to cheer for and attend home games of their beloved St. George Underdogs. (Many experts—the honest ones, at least—now believe that actual birds fly south in the winter for the same reason.)

But not all has been well for U-Dog faithful of late. In fact, during their recent match-up with the Richmond Butchers, the tension in Super Energy Vitamin Pill Arena was so thick you could cut it with, well, a butcher knife. As the closely-contested series wore on, a familiar, plaintive cry rose from the anxious crowd: "Oh where, oh where have my Underdogs gone?"

Where, indeed? At 7-10-1, still without a series victory this season, the Underdogs appeared to be a mere whimper of their former selves. Were these the same Underdogs who, just a season ago, rocketed to a league-record win total and coasted into a first-round playoff bye?
Well, no, these aren't the same Underdogs at all. Only center Dwight Howard remains on the roster from last year's team. So to the previous question, "Oh where, oh where have my Underdogs gone?" the answer is "Mostly to other teams."

"But they are the same uniforms, dang it!" insists newcomer James "Pocket Full of" Posey. "And that counts for something." Against the Butchers, it counted enough for a 5-3-1 win.

But what took so long? Why the two-week losing streak? "I think it took us a while to find ourselves," suggests Dwight Howard, who, until this week, while he was still looking for himself, had asked the media to address him as Dwight Coward. "I know I personally was wondering to myself, 'All those powers I have—rebounding, blocking shots—is that the real me?' Am I being true to myself when I do that, or am I really more cut out to be a mild-mannered shoeshine boy or something like that? Do I want to be superhuman, or do I have a better shot with the ladies, ironically, as an average mortal? I know it sounds crazy, but those are the thoughts that went through my head."

According to league psychoanalyst and literary theorist Phil Jackson, it does sound crazy, but it's not that unusual: "It's actually very common for people with superpowers to suffer an identity crisis, especially if they've been trying to blend in with society with an alter ego. In fact, it's so common it's almost archetypal in the superhero genre, and it usually occurs by the second or third episode. Superman, for example, had two identity crises: one each in Superman II and III. Spider-man 3 is another good example."

So what does it take for superheroes like Dwight Howard and company to snap out of it and just be super already? "Often something as simple as finding a glowing green crystal in the snow will do the trick," Professor Jackson says. "Others need an existential, logic-straining, hand-to-hand battle with one's somehow-embodied alter ego. You kind of just have to turn off your brain to understand that one, but it worked for Superman. As for Spider-man, I have to admit I never actually watched that movie, so I don't know how it worked out for him."

Howard says that for him it was really much simpler than all that. "I finally realized that it didn't matter who the 'real' me is. Winning is more fun than losing, and the superhuman me is better at winning." In other words, Howard seems to have just "decided" that he wanted to block 18 shots and grab 58 rebounds and score 81 points and shoot 53%. U-Dog fans are more than willing to turn their brains off every week if he can keep putting up those kinds of numbers.

So with Howard and his true self—or, at least, the self we all like best—firmly found, the U-Dogs welcome Uncle Ben's defending-champion Zermatt Abominables, who haven't lost in a really, really long time. U-Dog fans hope Howard keeps better track of himself this week so he doesn't lose himself again, or, if he does misplace himself and someone else finds him, they hope they will promptly return him so he can put Zermatt's ridiculous win streak to an end.

__________________________________________________________________

AROUND THE WFBL

Iguanas 7, SnowBees 2
Early-season 4-5 losses to Park City and Richmond may have been cause for mild concern, but now comes a 2-7 beating in Maracaibo, and SnowBees owner Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes is doing his best to keep from taking this loss in stride. "I think the best thing for everyone to do in this situation is to panic," he said. "To remain calm right now I think would be to deny the seriousness of the problem. I expect all of my players to go home after this loss and seriously consider whether life continues to have meaning for them—frankly, I'm not sure it does. At the very least, I hope they all yell at their kids and refuse to help their wives around the house. To be civil toward their families or to continue to participate in mundane household chores would be to insinuate that family harmony is somehow more important than ending our current losing streak, and obviously that's ludicrous." Of course, the danger in this is the precedent it sets: now anything worse than a 4-5 loss against Udorn would probably mean the end of the world as we know it, and then who knows if the vaccuuming will ever get done.

Trojans 6, Tigers 3
In these moments of uncertainty, there are a few things we can count on. One of those things is Bayside losing, and by gum, it's nice to know you can rely on that, at least. The Tigers went down again, this time to the up-an-coming Rigby Trojans squad, and wouldn't you know it, Tiger coach Rich Lachowsky was unaware of his team's recent problems. "What? You said I had a good team!" exclaimed Lachowsky in a phone interview, making it seem for a moment that his apathy had worn off. "I just figured we had that high ranking, I'd let the boys do their thing and check back in around the All-Star break." This leaves a few questions: One being will the inevitable loss to Park City next week be enough to get Lachowsky to make some changes? The other being, without a call from this intrepid reporter, will Coach even know his team lost?

Sundancers 5, Kings 4, Kings' Morale 9
For the first time this season, the New York Kings did not lose 2-7. While technically their 4-5 loss to Park City still counts as a loss, Kings' players insist that in another sense it counts as a win. "Coming so close against one of the league's elite teams on the road is definitely a moral victory," said moral player of the week Paul Pierce during the team's moral victory celebration. "I'm really proud of the way our morale performed this week." The Kings look to make it two moral victories in a row next week against Rigby as they jockey for moral playoff position and a chance to play for the coveted league moral championship.

Stratagem 5, Jai Rai 4
"Coach, how come you only let us beat Udorn 5-4?" asked Nephi star Kevin Garnett. "We totally could have won by more." The coach in question, one Justin Banks, offered his explanation to Garnett and the rest of the 2nd place Stratagem, "Look, some of you that weren't Strats last year don't remember just how bad we were. All of us are still getting the hang of this winning thing, including me. We want to take it one week at a time so we can truly appreciate the nuances of each level of success. For now, we are seeing what 5-4 wins are like—that 'well, we could have done better were it not for the random injuries and off nights, but at least we didn't lose' feeling. Now that we have threepeated, we are ready to graduate on to 6-3's." "Don't patronize me, Coach," countered Garnett. "I was a Sundancer last year, I know what 5-4 wins are like." "And 4-5 losses for that matter!" chimed in fellow Park City alum José Calderón, while icing his sore hamstring. "Patience," Banks extolled, "just wait until week 13—that's when the 9-0's begin."

__________________________________________________________________

WEEK 2 EBP WINNER
LeBron James, Maracaibo