WEEK 14 POWER RANKINGS

WHERE WE WONDER...DID EVERYONE REALLY KEEP THEIR BEST PLAYER?

Concludings Rematch part two. In Week 3, the A-Boms benefited from a timely injury to Jason Richardson to prevail 5-4. This time, with both teams chasing down the top spot in their respective conferences, neither can afford a let down.

The announcement of this year's All-Star teams got the Power Rankings thinking, did everyone really keep their best player from last season? We know it's hard to predict so far in advance how some players will do, and not everyone had a sure-thing keeper. But our existence is based on both conjecture and second-guessing. So we went through every team's final roster from a season ago to see if there wasn't someone else they should have tagged as their keeper. The results are quite interesting.

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (4) 73-50-3 (6-3-0)
Kept: Amar'e Stoudemire.
Shoulda Kept: Kevin Garnett.
But not by much. Garnett is 7th in the Player Rater to Amar'e's 13. But with the way they've been playing, don't cry for the Sundancers.


2 (3) 73-51-2 (7-2-0)
Kept: Chris Paul
Shoulda Kept: Chris Paul
There really was no question about keeping this year's #1 player. And to top it off, the A-Boms' 2nd-highest rated player, Rashard Lewis (10th), was acquired via trade. Darn those A-Boms! How do they do it!?


3 (1) 68-53-5 (4-4-1)
Kept: Kobe Bryant
Shoulda Kept: Kobe Bryant
Another no-brainer for the Gators, as Kobe in most cases would be your team's top option. He currently checks in at #6, while his next highest option, Vince Carter, is 19th.


4 (2) 74-50-2 (3-6-0)
Kept: LeBron James
Shoulda Kept: LeBron James
LeBron and CP3 have been taking turns all season as the #1 player in the league, and only an idiot would not have kept him. And Fran Hopkin is no idiot. Although you can't get better than their next-best player from a year ago, Danny Granger (3).


5 (5) 70-50-6 (7-2-0)
Kept: Yao Ming
Shoulda Kept: Yao Ming
The League stifled their collective laughter when the Strats kept Yao after his injury-plagued season a year ago. Who's stifling laughter now? Yao is the top-rated center (12th overall), and their next-highest player, Brandon Roy (28) was snagged in the draft.


6 (6) 60-65-1 (5-3-1)
Kept: Deron Williams
Shoulda Kept: Tim Duncan
We'll never know how things would have turned out had Williams (74) not been injured to start the season. Duncan (22), however, has been his same consistent self in helping Udorn's rival, Twin Falls.


7 (8) 59-65-2 (5-4-0)
Kept: Dirk Nowitzki
Shoulda Kept: Dirk Nowitzki
The SnowBees got something right! It's hard to pass up a guy like Dirk (5), who has been solid all season. Next-best option would have been center Al Jefferson (16), currently thriving in Zermatt.


8 (7) 54-69-3 (3-6-0)
Kept: Joe Johnson
Shoulda Kept: Joe Johnson
It was really slim pickins for the Trojans, who kept Johnson (29) over "studs" like Kirilenko (47), Brad Miller (75) and Tony Parker (76).


9 (10) 55-71-0 (4-5-0)
Kept: Steve Nash
Shoulda Kept: Ray Allen
Allen, ranked 8th on the Player Rater, has been having a career year for the hated Iguanas, while Nash (44) has been grossly underperforming. In their defense, no one knew Nash would stink so much this year.


10 (9) 55-70-1 (2-7-0)

Kept: Josh Smith
Shoulda Kept: Kevin Durant
Another case of hindsight being 20/20, as Smith was one of last year's highest-rated players, but is currently 129th. Durant on the other hand? Ninth. On the bright side, Kidd, whom they ended up nabbing in the draft, is 14th.


11 (11) 49-74-3 (4-4-1)
Kept: Baron Davis
Shoulda Kept: Pau Gasol
Gasol is rated 26th. Davis is currently rated 147. To put that in perspective, there are 34 PGs rated higher. The good news? Jarret Jack, their other current PG, is 137th! Bad news? Jarret Jack, their other current PG, is 137th.


12 (12) 47-71-8 (3-5-1)
Kept: Dwight Howard
Shoulda Kept: Dwyane Wade
Big, dominant center—an obvious choice, right? While Howard has been good (27), take a gander at who Truman had to choose from on last year's squad: Wade (4), Billups (11), and Jamison (20), not to mention David Lee (31), Biedrins (34), Butler (36). At least they didn't keep Marion (71). Let's all agree that their loss to the Gators in the playoffs last year was truly the greatest upset in the history of the WFBL.

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 14

'DANCERS DO DAMAGE TO 'CAIBO'S DOMINANCE; SNOWBEES HUSH-HUSH—OR ARE THEY?; A PERSONAL LOOK AT KOBE'S LOCKER




















The following story does not prominently feature superstars Lebron James and Dwyane Wade, but this image does. They appear to be pointing at something.

WILLIAMS GIVES MO; VILLANUEVA SUPER IN SUNDANCER VICTORY

MARACAIBO (AP)—The WFBL loves their stars, and Lebron James and Dwyane Wade are two of the brightest. But do we have to be subjected to highlights of their awesomeness every week? You people had enough?

Gimme Some Mo.

Answering the power rankings' affront that they had yet to beat anyone noteworthy, the Park City Sundancers thumped the soon-to-be-not first place Iguanas de Maracaibo, 6-3. Looking to shake off any lingering mayonnaise, wait, scratch that, malaise after suffering their second loss of the season last week, the 'Dancers called on point guard Mo Williams (benched since week 9), and Charlie "Super" Villanueva (benched since always) to come out of hibernation and lead the charge.

Williams, who has been plagued by inconsistency this season, put together his most complete performance of the year, after being subjected to watching the antics of Randy Foye and Nate Robinson the last four weeks.

And Villanueva, who earlier this season accused Park City management of discriminating against him on account of his lack of eyebrows, seems to have had something of a personal awakening. After his equally huge series, Villanueva disclosed, "I guess I finally just realized that having eyebrows does not a great basketball player make—being good at basketball does. Though I think Memo derives some sort of Samson-like power from his."

Another big factor in Park City's victory were the key contributions from Kevin "Duran" Durant in percentages, rebounds, blocks, and points. Durant, if you recall, was recently acquired in a deal with St. George that is looking more and more lopsided by the week. "That is my favorite kind of deal," acknowledged Park City owner Dave Barton. "Assuming I am on the lopside, that is."

See? One recap without Lebron or Wade isn't the end of the world. Now if only we could do something about that media hound Chris Paul.*

*Ed. Note: We love you Chris!

BEEKEEPER GIVES MEDIA SILENT TREATMENT AS SNOWBEES "QUIETLY" KEEP WINNING

SALT LAKE CITY, USA (AP)—As of press time, Salt Lake City was still considered part of the United States of America, which technically means that rights guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution and its amendments still apply, such as freedom of speech, freedom of the press, yadda, yadda. As Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes points out, however, the Supreme Court has never ruled on the applicability of the Constitution to owners of WFBL franchises. Therefore, as owner of the Salt Lake SnowBees, Barnes announced Monday that, effective immediately, members of the media will be denied access to any and all SnowBees players or personnel until further notice.

When asked the reason for this unreasonable policy, the Beekeeper snapped, "Don't you know what 'effective immediately' means? It means starting now! So no more questions!!"

As reporters pressed (they are, after all, "the press"), Barnes responded by putting his fingers in his ears and shouting, "I can't hear you, la la-la la la-la."

The announcement came shortly after the SnowBees' relatively quiet 5-4 win over the New York Kings moved them imperceptibly closer to the third and final Wasatch Conference playoff spot, the latest chapter in Salt Lake's late-season playoff surge (perhaps "playoff lurch" would be a better term).

The Beekeeper's silent treatment means that media representative will no longer have the privilege of visiting the SnowBees' smelly locker room after games to interrupt surly basketball players while they shower and dress so they can talk about how great they are.

Luckily for us, the media, and you, the consuming public whom we serve, professional athletes need attention like pregnant women need ice cream—they crave it beyond the bounds of reason. Shortly after the Beekeeper made his announcement, local news outlets were bombarded with furtive phone calls from SnowBees players offering to make themselves available for interviews on the condition of anonymity. The following is an excerpt from an interview with one of those players, who insisted on being called "Deep Threat" and whose name we'll try to remember not to mention:

AP: Thank you, Deep Threat, for offering to speak out despite the Beekeeper's moratorium.

DT: It's the least I can do for you, the media, considering everything you do to maintain interest among the consuming public for this profession of mine. If it wasn't for you blowing basketball out of proportion by framing it as "news," people would probably not spend so much of their hard-earned money on us, and then I'd have to get a real job. So even though I'm coming to you at the peril of my own life, I feel the sacrifice is worth it.

AP: You're a brave man. Now, can you shed any light on the Beekeeper's reasons for restricting access to his players?

DT: Well, you know the Beekeeper. Sometimes he gets these ideas in his head, and it's impossible to reason with him. He called a team meeting before the New York series and told us that he's been studying up on sports, and he's convinced that we have a better chance of winning if we "fly under the radar."

AP: What do you think "under the radar" means?

DT: At first I thought it meant "under .500," which is what we've been doing all season. But he says it means we need to keep a low profile so that we can catch teams by surprise and then maybe it will be easier to beat them. So that's why I'm not supposed to talk to you, because media coverage tips our opponent off as to our existence and spoils the element of surprise.

AP: Do you think the Beekeeper realizes that, per league rules, all weekly WFBL matchups get covered by the media, no matter how inconsequential they are in terms of the playoffs?

DT: Like I said, when he gets an idea, there's really no point trying to explain things like that to him.

AP: Ironic, isn't it, that the Beekeeper's no-media policy has actually brought the SnowBees more media attention than their mediocre play has brought all season. Witness, for example, this unusually long article about a nonplayoff team.

DT: Yes, except I want to take issue with that "mediocre" part. Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're currently on kind of a hot streak. We've only lost once since before Christmas, and we've almost cut our games-behind-third-place deficit to single digits.

AP: Yeah, whatever. So how would you compare the Beekeeper's Nazi-like policies to your experiences growing up behind the iron curtain in your native Germany?

DT: That's a good question, but don't you think talking about my native Germany might reveal my identity?

AP: Oh, good point. Well, hypothetically speaking, how would you imagine that playing for the SnowBees compares to living in Nazi Germany?

DT: Nazi Germany was more successful economically and slightly more trusting of its citizens. Or, at least, that's how I imagine it, lacking any firsthand experience.

AP: Thank you, Deep Threat. You have a big series coming up against Maracaibo, who is probably smarting from their big loss last week and anxious to take out their frustrations on you. Good luck.

DT: Thanks. We're kind of hoping the Iguanas won't even realize that we exist and we'll be able to catch them by surprise.
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AROUND THE WFBL

Abominables 7, Trojans 2
There are a few things in this universe that we can count on. Death, taxes, the NFC winning the coin toss in the Super Bowl, and so on. Add to that list the clockwork-like way Switzerland's finest—those lovable Zermatt Abominables—seem to make a run in the second half of the season. And lucky for A-Bom fans—and all of us, really—the annual surge always coincides with another great constant in the universe: the late-season Iguana free-fall, aka the "'Caibo Collpase". This year, it's happening a bit early, as the Igs' lead, which at one time was as high as 8, now sits at a mere 1 game. And with all eyes looking towards that Week 18 match-up in Maracaibo, a nation's mind is stirred to remember the A-Boms' 9-0 win in the final week of the season a year ago, and their 6-3 victory in the penultimate week of '07. Not saying that the Iguanas should be scared, necessarily. One shouldn't fear death. It's a natural part of the life cycle. Just like the "'Caibo Collapse."

Jai-Rai 5, Underdogs 3, Unclaimed 1
Shed no tears, America, for the St. George Underdogs. Sure, they just lost a very winnable series against Udorn and now find themselves battling Bayside for the worst record in the league. "Some people might call that a problem," says the U-Dogs' doggedly optimistic Dwight Howard, "but I say that a problem is just an opportunity in work clothes. If you can get your problem to put those work clothes in the laundry, take a good shower, and put on something more stylish, like an expensive Italian suit and wing-tip shoes, purchased on credit, and then maybe find him a white-collar office job filing papers and answering his cell phone all day instead of getting his clothes dirty doing real work, then maybe that problem can become upwardly mobile and qualify for a high-interest mortgage on a house that's bigger than he needs. Then he can have the illusion of wealth without really having to earn it. This is why America is called the Land of Opportunity."

Stratagem 7, Butchers 2
With their series against the Richmond Butchers well in hand, and primed to shave another game off Park City's conference lead, the beleaguered Nephi Stratagem roster piled up yet another casualty. After finally cracking the starting lineup, things were looking up for backup center Andrew Bynum—until Kobe Bryant collided with his leg on Saturday night. Formerly fit as a fiddle and playing some of the best basketball of his career, Bynum is now out for the season with a torn medial collateral ligament in his right knee. Meanwhile, Bryant, who by all accounts should have been on the court in Twin Falls facing Bayside some 2300 miles away, has been unavailable for questioning. An unconfirmed report from a source close to the team is circulating that owner Justin Banks is currently "holding his team together with pipe cleaners and duct tape."

Gators 4, Tigers 4, Humanity 1
At the beginning of the season, the Twin Falls Gators had a few goals in mind for 2008-09. While the pedestrian goals—make the playoffs, finish in first, win the Concludings, etc—are easy enough, the one that stood out as simply unattainable is the one still fridge-magnet-ed to the locker of each and every player: Keep Zermatt From the Playoffs. The top-ranked (you can preface that with, "formerly", that's for sure) Gators, fresh off a stumblingly pathetic 4-4-1 tie to last place Bayside, get their final direct shot at acheiving their goal, welcoming the A-Boms to town. They'll need help, too, with the defending champs a mere (cough) 18.5 games ahead of Richmond, with five weeks to go. But still, that's not stopping Kobe and Co. from giving it their all. "We need this win, we absolutely must have it," said Bryant. "People talk about winning a championship as the ultimate goal. I already did that. That's been done by a lot of people. But Zermatt's never not made the playoffs. So as you can see, all our focus—mine at least—will be on stopping them." "Not me," said forward Tim Duncan. "Who cares about Zermatt? I want a ring! Gimme gimme!"



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WEEK 13 EBP WINNER
LeBron James, Maracaibo