Wasatch Front Basketball League: 11/23/08

STRATS UPSET IGUANAS, WEEKLY POLL VOTERS; KINGS TAKE THEIR VITAMINS, GET FIRST WIN; MAKE THAT 13 WITHOUT A LOSS FOR LOVING, KIND A-BOMS

José Calderón and the Stratagem made things difficult for LeBron and Los Iguanas.

Motivated By Official Web Site Poll Snub, Nephi Dominates Maracaibo

NEPHI (AP)—"Nobody believed in us, no one gave us a chance," said Nephi shooting guard Brandon Roy.

For once, a player can say that in all honesty and not expect groans from those in his immediate vicinity. "That's right because, look, seriously, no one gave us a chance," said Roy.

The non-believing daily readers of the Official Site of the WFBL were asked to vote on whom they believed would win the Strats-Igs match-up, and an overwhelming 100% of the voters chose the Iguanas, the team with (at the time) the best record in the WFBL and Week 2's (not to mention 2007-08's) EBP winner, LeBron James.

"Shows how much the daily readers of the Official Site know!" said José Calderón, who himself has a weekly-EBP title (Week 1, shared with Chris Paul) to his name. "Ha ha!"

When asked if the lack of respect was a motivating factor for the Strats, power forward Kevin Garnett made it clear: "Absolutely it was. You know, if I can be candid, sometimes I find myself lacking the energy, the drive—the motivation, if you will—to go out each and every week and perform at a high level. It's hard to get up for every single match-up. Perhaps you've all seen me taking nights off, or dogging it out on the court. Who can blame me? I'm not a robot. But when I was 'surfing' the web last week and saw that not one of the 8 people who follow this league thought we had a shot at winning...well, it made me say to myself 'Kevin, you need to prove to those 8 people that your team can do it. Don't let anyone tell you you can't do it.'

"And we did do it, and it feels great," Garnett continued. "I hate to use clichés, but I believe the saying 'anything is possible' would apply in this situation, would it not? I thought so."

Kings' Performance Inexplicably Enhanced in Win

NEW YORK (AP)—When you hear the words "New York Kings," what's the first thing that comes to mind? 7-2 losses, right?

Well here's a mind-bending fact for you: last week these same New York Kings won a series for the first time this season—a convincing 6-3 romp over Rigby. How do you explain that? Hmmmm?

Improved focus during practice? Players taking pride in their work? Or maybe it's simply a case of the better team winning?

"No, there must be another explanation," insists Trojan forward Rasheed Wallace. "Look, I used to play for the Kings; that's not an elite organization. But they played like one last week. I'm telling you that doesn't just happen. Something's up over there."

Wallace says he's found incontrovertible Internet evidence that the Kings' abrupt improvement in performance is "chemically induced":

"Just out of curiosity, I googled 'Steve Nash' and 'drinking,'" he says. What he found was shocking, even to someone from the drug-infested basketball subculture: an incriminating video showing Nash writhing uncontrollably on the floor, jumping on police cars, and doing other things that no sober person would likely do.

"The video also features thinly-veiled references to a magic performance-enhancing elixir known as 'vitamin water,'" Wallace says.

In the interest of poisoning the public well prior to any upcoming criminal trials, the entire video is available below:

Nash himself, who was in a drug-induced coma after the game, was unavailable for comment.

Reporters were able, however, to accost Kings forward Carmelo Anthony, a known substance abuser, at an airport security gate, where they found hundreds of empty bottles of vitamin water in his backpack. When asked about them, Anthony feigned innocence.

"What empty bottles of vitamin water? You mean THESE empty bottles of vitamin water? Oh, well, those, um, belong to my ... cousin. Yeah, my cousin. You see, I was just holding them for him. We were taking them to be recycled. Did you know I get five cents for each bottle? Every little bit helps in these tight economic times.

"Hey, what are you insinuating anyway? You think I drank these so that I would play better and we would beat Rigby? Look, that's not how I roll, OK? I don't take nothing to improve my performance. The only chemicals I take into my body are harmful substances like marijuana, alcohol, and rubber cement fumes."

Just then, a short fat man who looks like Danny Devito interrupted the interrogation: "Hey, cuz! You still got those empty bottles of vitamin water I asked you to hold in your backpack?"

"Yeah, and you know what? That's the last time. Every time I agree to carry around your paraphernalia, I get in trouble for it."

Anthony's bulletproof alibi notwithstanding, Wallace remains convinced that several Kings players are violating the team's substance-abuse policy. "I demand a full investigation," he demanded.

One thing that might slow down such an investigation is the fact that the WFBL does not have a substance-abuse policy, per se. "Actually, it falls under a kind of umbrella policy that states, 'If it makes money for the league, it's allowed,'" explains league drug czar Bud Selig, who was hired away from Major League Baseball because of his ability to protect players from the consequences of their actions.

"Sure, we could ban performance-enhancers, but practice enhances performance—are you going to ban that too?

"Besides, this is the league, remember, with a founding member (the St. George Underdogs) whose arena is named after a Super Energy Vitamin Pill. You think we're going to ban drugs here if it makes players better? Please."

So drink up that vitamin water, New York. You'll need it against the defending champion Zermatt Abominables next week.

Abominables Show Heart Before Ripping Out St. George's

ZERMATT (AP)—The Zermatt Abominables are now owners of a 13-week unbeaten streak (for which there is no precedent) after taking care of bidness against St. George 6-2-1. The Abominables may be cold, heartless killers on the basketball court, but behind the scenes, as Allen Iverson points out, there is a warm and tender soul.

"Well, we had a team meeting before the game started," explained Iverson, the A-Boms' starting shooting guard, "and coach was filling out the lineup card, and he noticed that Rudy (Fernandez) was over there with his nose in the corner, hands in his pockets."

"It was the saddest thing, Rudy's shoulders all shrugged, kickin' a little pebble he found...I mean I'm tearing up right now remembering it," said Coach Barnes. "So I looked at our scouting report for St. George, looked at our performance evaluations, and figured, what the hey."

"Coach asked me if I wouldn't mind sittin' this one out," said Iverson. "And of course I knew what was going on, so I told coach 'no problem, I'll sit it out'. But only if it meant I could sit out practice too."

It's moments like these that make one wonder why there is so much hatred towards the Abominables. If they aren't one of the most-loved teams in the WFBL, with their love and caring off the court, coupled with their disdain for human life on it, then this reporter just doesn't know what else to do.

As for Truman Barnes, six-year-old owner of the St. George Underdogs, he knows his place in the world, and it's not on the winning end of a matchup with Zermatt. However, a win over his Dad's struggling SnowBees seems to be well within his place. In fact, showing analytical skills well beyond his tender years, Truman has identified a pattern that all but ensures victory for his team next week:

"Last time we played, Daddy won. The time before that, I won. So we're doing switchies. That means this time I'll win. Yay!"

What Truman doesn't know, but most experienced WFBL owners do, is that "switchies" is a double-edged sword. "I think the only league analyst who still talks about switchies in intelligent circles is Charles Barkley," says league analyst and intelligent circle frequenter Phil Jackson. "The fact is, for every pattern you identify that favors your team, there's another one that favors your opponent."

So chew on this, U-Dog fans: the pattern for St. George this season appears to be lose 2, win 1, lose 2. That would mean another loss is due up next—if you believe in switchies.

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AROUND THE WFBL

Gators 8, Butchers 1
"Be Patient." Those the words from Richmond co-owner Diana Edgell when pressed for a response to the Butchers hack-job at the hands of the Twin Falls Gators. What happened exactly to put the Butchers, who are now seven games back in the World Conference since losing 2 in a row after starting the season with 2 straight wins? "Um, I'm really not sure," said Edgell, who may or may not have been finding out the outcome of the game for the first time in today's press conference. Is it merely happenstance that their recent slide coincides with the injury to all-everything forward Josh Smith? "There are other members of this team that have the ability to step up and right now, they're letting us down. The fate of the team cannot rest on one player's health. That is a recipe for disaster." Butcher fans hope that Edgell has something brewing for the Iguanas, who come to town this week. "Our fans should just know that we're working on it...do not give up hope."

Park City 6, Bayside 3
With their 6-3 dispatching of the Bayside Tigers, the Park City Sundancers have now won 8 consecutive series, dating back to week 19 of last season (including postseason play). One of the three unbeaten teams left in the WFBL this season, Park City's streak has yet to garner much attention, thanks to Zermatt stealing their thunder with a longer, slightly more dominating streak of their own. < "Hype Machine" > Not to worry though, we'll get to see what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object when these fierce rivals collide in week 8. < /"Hype Machine">

Meanwhile, the Bayside Tigers are feeling the effects of a tough opening schedule. In their first four weeks, they have faced three of the league's elite teams: Zermatt, Maracaibo, and now Park City. But instead of channeling Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns (as the preseason power rankings hinted at), these kitties have once again filled their litter box, making like Halle Berry in Catwoman. For those keeping count in sunny Bayside, that's two Halle Berry comparisons in just under a week. I'm no movie expert, but that can't be a good sign

SnowBees 5, Jai-Rai 4
Thanks to their narrow 5-4 victory over Udorn, the Salt Lake SnowBees live to play another day. And the term "live" is used here not metaphorically, as it often is in a sudden-death (there's that metaphor again) playoff. No, this is only Week 4 of the regular season, so mortality references can only be literal.

"If we had lost, I really think the Beekeeper would have killed most if not all of us," says a relieved Kevin Durrant, whose team finally won for the first time this season.

Of course, one narrow victory does not a season save, so the specter of death continues to hang over the SnowBees—which has its advantages, according to the Beekeeper:

"Attendance has gone way up since I started threatening players' lives. The outcome of each game has suddenly become more interesting. Maybe next week I'll start threatening fans too."

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WEEK 3 EBP WINNER
Joe Johnson, Rigby

11.26.2008

WEEK 4 POWER RANKINGS

11.25.2008

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 4

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