YE OLDE WEEK 12 RANKINGS OF POWER

WHERE TEAMS HONOR THEIR HERITAGE BY MODELING VINTAGE THREADS, AVAILABLE WHEREVER FINE WFBL MERCHANDISE IS SOLD

The boys from Twin Falls will have a lot of bullets—and basket-balls—to dodge against the big cheese Tommy Guns from Park City.

Whoa Doctor! Buckle up folks, because it's that time of the year again—Old-Timey Week! Just when the pundits and prognosticators predicted a poorly played predicament of top teams and bottom bombs, what happens but not one, not two, but five—count 'em!—five upsets! None the bigger than those precocious Tigers over the intimidating Iguanas! This week Twin Falls, fresh off a sweet spanking of the slumping Strats, travel to the big City—Park City, that is—to tangle with those tremendous Tommy Guns—aka the Dazzlin' 'Dancers! But the fun doesn't stop there, no sir! There's nary a bad matchup during Old-Timey Week!

Team, Rank, (Previous), Overall, (Last Week)

1 (2) 65-40-3 (9-0-0)
Say hey kids! With fresh-faced Kevin "The Dip" Durant providing new shells, the Tommy Guns motley batch of button men straight popped the patsy pups of St. George. The griftin' Gators figure to flash a little more flimflam this week!



2 (5) 57-47-4 (4-3-2)
Those gorgeous Gators can't seem to lose lately, and are cruisin' to the tip-top of the charts, led by none other than Mr. basketball himself, Krazy Kobe Bryant. Don't look now, but that number one slot is lookin' mighty tempting should the Gang in Green trample the Tommy Guns!


3 (1) 64-42-2 (3-6-0)
'Caibo fans were throwin' joes left and right when they checked the boxes Monday morning only to discover Bayside pulled a fast one. Is the jig up for the Ig's, or did they just get caught after knocking back too much tiger milk?.


4 (3) 60-42-6 (3-4-2)
My oh my what's the matter with America's Team—those spear-wielding Strats? Two losses in three tries makes for a positively pooper of a squad. There's no jokin' around when we say Nephi'd better get on the stick against the troublesome Trojans, or they'll be flat-out bobbed!


5 (4) 58-48-2 (4-5-0)
Yikes, ye Yetis of Yore! Say it ain't so, struttin' snow simians! Losing to your primate pals from Udorn is a pain, but thanks to the inconsistent Igs, the top of Mt. World Conference is within your reach, if you can swing, swipe, or stomp your way past the terrible Trikes!


6 (7) 50-58-0 (4-5-0)
Well now, what have we here? Thanks to some timely threes and fabulous field-goaling, the snake-slingin' simians sit slighty short of the penultimate playoff perch! And what's more, this week the Lone Granger and his sharp-shooting sidekicks welcome the West Valley Not-So-Fast Dollys to town!


7 (9) 50-58-0 (8-1-0)
Extra! Extra! The newsies' last pape (cough cough) says the up and down Trikes are finding themselves more up for the first time since who knows when. The Bee's Knees of the Big Apple are lookin' to get a jump on the Jai Rai all while fending off the Fightin' Yeti.


8 (6) 51-56-1 (1-8-0)

The timing couldn't be better for the Butchers to don the decadent 'Dune duds, after a performance so putrid Jason Kidd and pals can only thank the Underdogs for topping their sorry showing. This week the 'Dunes will be barking up the Weber Pups' tree, who have lost nary a match in their old-timey garb.


9 (11) 50-57-1 (7-2-0)
Once banished to croaksville along with the Trikes in favor of some certain precocious pups, have the boys in yellow and black regained the faith of their fearless owner, or will Barnes the Elder once again buzz off at the first sign of a little chin music?


10 (12) 41-65-2 (6-3-0)
Just as quick as you can say "hey there hep cat!", the bottom-dwelling Bayside Tigers—this week the West Valley Fast Dollys—pounce their paws on an improbably unpredictable defeat of the top-notch Iggies. And if that didn't razz your berries, how's jumpin' on the Jai-Rai for you? You cranked?


11 (8) 45-60-3 (2-7-0)
Rigby could have been locked up in the jug for smokin' jujus and wouldn't have faired much worse against the buzz of the Bees. They're really behind the eight ball now, ain't they?



12 (10) 41-61-6 (0-9-0)
My oh my how the mighty have fallen! A year to the day the precocious pups were leaders of the league. Now the Llama boys are playing more like mama's boys. A loss to the bumbling Buzzers in a 2008 Old-Timey rematch would be enough to makes fans everywhere—in St. George, in Magna, doesn't matter—wanna spit!

THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 12

GATORS OUTSMART STRATAGEM; BAYSIDE BESTS IGUANAS, LACHOWSKY LIVES; CHANGE NEW YORK CAN BELIEVE IN

Shaq: I don't care if we're on the same team, this just feels right.

TEAMMATES SHAQ, KOBE RENEW FUED, GATORS WIN ANYWAY

NEPHI (AP)—As if the postseason implications of Wasatch Conference heavies Nephi Stratagem and Twin Falls Gators playing each other in the middle of the season wasn't enough, the latest and greatest WFBL game of the week featured a bevy of subplots, none more scintilating than the starting lineup reunion of Gators Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant.

You see, the volatile pair were playing together for the first time since they were teammates on the Minneapolis Lakers in the mid 1950's. At the time of their much publicized breakup at the end of that decade, the lone sportswriter of the day, Skip Bayless, wrote of his deep remorse that these two couldn't work out their differences and become the heir apparents in a long line of unlikeable duos to win an obscene number of championships.

Initially, their reunion got off somewhat of a bumpy start. In the early going, as Kobe would drive to the basket, Shaq—aka "The Big Shaqodile"—would almost subconsciously throw up his arms and bat Kobe's shots away. In fact, a lazy scorekeeper failed to realize that two of Shaq's four blocks for the week were actually against Kobe.

After the second such block, Kobe was forced to dust off his infamous death stare, usually reserved for Gators point guard Mike Bibby when Mamba doesn't get the ball into his hands fast enough across midcourt. Shaq merely laughed off the stare and broke into some spontaneous Kobe-bashing beatboxery.

But just when it appeared that Shaq and Kobe had been bitter enemies for so long that they forgot what it is like to be teammates, the Gators ended up winning 4-3-2 anyway. These disgruntled superstars then came to the sudden and immediate realization that they were actually playing in an alternate or "fantasy" dimension, where things like momentum and team chemistry are merely elaborate myths perpetrated by bored sportswriters, who now number in the thousands.

Skip Bayless would be appalled.

OBAMA ADMINISTRATION OFF TO ROARING START IN RICHMOND

RICHMOND, VA (AP)—So Barack Obama wants change, does he? Well, it sounds real nice, but as Richmond Butchers fans are starting to wonder, what was so wrong with the way things were before? Back in week 2, while the Butchers were butchering the New York Kings by a score of 7-2, the soon-to-be inaugurated president was still just a campaigning senator, promising change but remaining vague and evasive about exactly what kind of change he was proposing. (HARD-HITTING REPORTER: "Exactly what kind of change are you proposing, Mr. Senator?" OBAMA: "Change we can believe in.") When pressed, however, Obama did reveal that one change he favored was "changing the president from George W. Bush to myself." It has also been speculated that the president's change package will include changing frowny faces across the nation into smiley faces, changing household dust into reusable energy, and changing straw into gold.

But first things first: it appears that at least part of the change Obama had in mind was to change the playoff picture in the WFBL's World Conference. The Butchers, who looked so dominant in week 2, have now lost four in a row, while the Kings have won three of four and trail Richmond by only a game and a half for the last playoff spot.

"Man, change stinks," said Butchers guard and former Obama-supporter Allen Iverson. "If I had known that this was what 'change' meant, I would never have agreed to contribute to the Obama campaign by writing all of his speeches for him. I'm telling you, the next time we have one of these election dealies, I'm voting for the Status Quo candidate. Er, I mean, I'll vote for the change candidate one more time so things can get back to normal, and THEN I'll vote for whomever is promoting the status quo."

Meanwhile, in New York City, known throughout the world as America's Most Important City, President Obama has been declared the nation's most successful president ever. As with all presidents, however, the true test comes the first week in office, when New York faces a critical road matchup against the Zermatt Abominables. If Obama can pull of a Kings win there, then we suggest stocking up on straw.

A-BOMS LOSE BUT THE BIG STORY IS LACHOWSKY SPEAKS!

ZERMATT (AP)—The Zermatt Abominables were unable to extend their modest two-week winning streak against the Udorn Jai-Rai, losing 5-4, as either one more made shot by Zermatt or one more missed shot by Udorn would have given the A-Boms the victory. Lucky for Zermatt, not only did they gain a game on the Iguanas, but the Butchers got slaughtered too, so their positioning in the playoffs didn't change at all.

But the most interesting story to come out of the loss is the revelation that our beloved Commissioner/A-Boms owner Ben Barnes, ever looking to improve his team—and thereby the league—engaged in an interesting electronic mail correspondence with reclusive Bayside Tigers owner Rich "Deadbeat" Lachowsky. Barnes evidently was attempting to engage in some late-season trade talks to help energize his team, and remarkably, Lachowsky (who, it was widely rumored, would be relinquishing ownership duties after this season), responded thusly:

Commish: Is there any combo of players on my team that could get Camby off your hands? How 'bout Jamison and Stuckey?

Lachowsky: Everyone knows Camby is the cornerstone of any championship team. Therefore, based on principle, I can't trade Camby.

C: Fine Rich, if that's the way you want to end your time (allegedly) as owner in the WFBL...holding onto false hope of a championship...I am merely offering you something more...something better...

L: I see how it is. Because I'm not going to trade you Camby you're going to kick me out of the league. Very disappointing indeed. I can't believe the Commish is trying to run roughshod over the lowly Bayside Tigers. Another championship for Zermatt at any cost!

C: Laugh out loud! A hearty, guttural, laugh out loud to you sir! The Commish doesn't kick teams out of the league, but he does frown upon owners openly giving up on their teams. Not that what has happened this year could be qualified as "ownership". And by the way, if my "win at all costs" mentality is surprising to you, then you truly haven't been paying attention to the WFBL...

L: Laugh it up! I have a t-shirt now, which has totally legitimized me as an owner and renewed my interest in my once floundering team. I don't like to baby my team, it's called tough love. I like to prepare these young men for the most important game of all: the game of life. You certainly are not number one right now, but you'll do whatever it takes to get there. wink, wink

C: Is there something in your eye or are you making an inappropriate advance? I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but that's not the way you get to the top here in the WFBL, Rich. I certainly will do whatever it takes to win a title, such as lineup adjustments, needs evaluations, waiver wire acquisitions, and yes, occasionally a trade. The Zermatt fans demand nothing less than perfection. Obviously the good people of Bayside don't have the same demands. They're probably too busy checking out the wrestling match or hanging out at The Max....numerous things better and more fulfilling than cheering for their disenfranchised...um...franchise.

L: Can't it be both? The fans at Bayside are well-rounded. Among other local goings on, the Bayside fans enjoy locally-produced performances of Swan Lake and the ever popular pop-rock act, Zack Attack. What does Zermatt have? For my money, if I have to choose one mountain valley in Switzerland to visit, you better believe I'm going to Lauterbrunnen. By the way, if you're not first, you're last!

C: And if you're last, you're Bayside!

L: Zermatt, a champion once crowned,
Their owner can't swim for he might drowned,
A mighty tiger prowls,
Zermatt will drop their bowels,
Rich against Ben, will leave Zermatt frowned!
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AROUND THE WFBL

Tigers 6, Iguanas 3
Speaking of Bayside, the Tigers—perhaps fueled by the good-natured ribbing from the league's Commish?—did the unthinkable and squeaked past top-ranked Maracaibo 6-3. How was Bayside able to rally together in the face of their uncertain future, and, as the worst team in the WFBL, defeat the best? "Oh I dunno, um, made more shots, got some boards...wait, so I almost got traded back to Zermatt, really?" said Marcus Camby, getting a little teary. "I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me." Camby then left the throng of reporters and punched a whole through a nearby locker, the force of which caused him to slip and twist his ankle. Camby is out indefinitely.

Sundancers 9, Fruit Basket 0
There's a perception that professional sports is a cold, heartless profession, where players are bought and sold like bags of apples and quickly discarded when they get bruised. And while that may be true in most leagues, the WFBL is different in so many ways, this being one of them: when a WFBL team decides they don't want one of their players anymore, sure, they might trade him, but not without acknowledging his loyal service to the team by sending him off with a nice parting gift, such as a fruit basket. "This is what really sets this league apart from all the other professional basketball leagues I've belonged to," said guard Hedo Turkoglu shortly after being traded from the now-first-place Park City Sundancers to the now-last-place St. George Underdogs. "Everywhere else it was like, 'You're being traded; nice knowing ya.' But here it was more like, 'You're being traded; be sure to pick up your fruit basket on the way out.' I can't tell you how much that means to me. I really can't."

Well, allow us to speculate how much it may have meant: It appears that this small gesture of appreciation meant so much to Turkoglu that he didn't quite have the heart to just smash his former team, like he's capable of, when they faced his new team last week. Turkoglu's loyalty is so deep, it seems, that he inexplicably shot several two-pointers on the last day of competition when just one more three-pointer could have saved the U-Dogs the embarrassment of being this season's first 0-9 losers. Turkoglu will have lots of time to savor every last bite of Park City's appreciation next week from the Underdog bench.

SnowBees 7, Trojans 2
WFBL fans may not have noticed this—they've been distracted, understandably, by the exploits of more talented teams around the league—but the Salt Lake SnowBees have been accumulating wins in bundles of 7 for three of the last four weeks, including the 7-2 hurt they put on Rigby last week. Of course, it's telling that despite this impressive streak the SnowBees remain 8.5 games out of a playoff spot, but 8.5 games can easily be made up with a couple more 7-win bundles, combined with corresponding losses from Twin Falls. So while you're noticing Nephi's nifty turnaround, while your'e swooning over the Sundancers' star-studded lineup, and while you're gawking at the Iguanas' gaudy record, kindly remember the attention-starved Salt Lake SnowBees, and keep in mind that when professional athletes and other immature children don't get enough of the good kind of attention, they start looking for the bad kind. Just a warning.
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WEEK 11 EBP WINNER
Danny Granger, Udorn