The Absolute Ruler, Commissioner Ben Barnes, in a famous pose of import.
ZERMATT (AP)—Being Americans, many of us have inherited quaint ideas like "all men are created equal" and "governors derive their powers from the consent of the governed" and so on. Commissioner Ben Barnes, absolute ruler of the WFBL, the first and only global sports megaleague, knows better. Nevertheless, every year around this time, The Commish graciously allows a mere mortal journalist to ascend the lofty heights of his Zermatt, Switzerland, chateau, where His Highness indulges the journalist in a series of questions, thus allowing the rest of us, unworthy creatures, to partake of at least a few morsels of His Admirableness's vast wisdom, not because we deserve it, but because it pleases him. Below are a few of those questions and corresponding morsels, which we will gratefully read:
Associated Press: So, what's it like being the absolute ruler of a global sports megaleague?
Commissioner Barnes: I gotta tell ya, it's great. Best non-paying job in the world. And it's not just the perks—I mean, the perks are great—it's hearing the words "Absolute Ruler" and "Ben Barnes" in the same sentence. I dunno, it's little things like that.
AP: The WFBL, in only its fourth year, has reached unprecedented heights of popularity, as I'm sure you've noticed. What are you doing this year to ensure that the league tightens its grip on the public's affections and literally crushes all of its competitors?
CB: First of all, yes I have noticed. Second, the competitors—if any remain—will be crushed in a slow and methodical manner, via creating customized schedules (including shortening the season by two weeks so as to avoid any funny business around playoff time, and giving everyone the week off for All-Star Diversion Week), dividing the league into two actual conferences (The Wasatch and The World Conferences: This Time It's Not Just for Show!), and once again maintaining a stranglehold—figuratively speaking of course—on the rights to the top players in the universe.
AP: Yet, despite all of your success, there have been a few ungrateful firebrands who, I almost hesitate to say it, question the integrity of a league whose commissioner is also an owner of one of the teams and has played in the championship series each year of the league's existence, winning twice, including last year. I personally see nothing wrong with that, and certainly the silent majority sees only fairness and equity in the way the league is run. But at times one hears murmurs of "conspiracy" from a certain vocal minority. What punishment awaits such traitors, if there exists one painful enough?
CB: The best punishment is the one these rabble-rousers bring upon themselves. There will always be cries of conspiracy. The only conspiracy I can think of is the one that kept Zermatt from winning the title in 06-07 to Bayside.
AP: One clear reason for the fans' fierce loyalty to the WFBL is the league Web site. This year you've added a feature that dictators who are insecure in their power would never attempt: you're allowing the public to make comments in a weblog or "blog" format. Would you care to comment on the new Web site, beyond the comments I just made?
CB: Well, the most obvious change is the weblog format. The press, yourself not excluded, came to me in the off-season with complaints that they were not receiving enough compliments on their remarkable recaps and photoshoppery. There was no forum for this to take place. I have wisely made that change, and I command one and all to let their voices be heard, while I still deem them worthy to be so.
AP: Any predictions for this season? This may include expectations for owners, players, fans, and the media.
CB: I'll leave team predictions to the Preseason Power Rankings. I almost always agree with what is said there. As for the owners, now that everyone has at least one season under their belt, I expect a much more competitive season. The fans need to buy more merchandise—they need to understand that WFBL is not immune to the economic hardships we are going through.
AP: Speaking of these trying economic times, many WFBL fans are forced to make difficult decisions, such as "Do I buy lower-bowl season tickets this year, like I always do, or do I cut back a little and buy upper-bowl season tickets and use the money I save to pay the gas bill so that there is heat in my house this winter?" What advice do you have for those who face this and similar dilemmas?
CB: My advice is, buy the upper-bowl season tickets. I mean, they still have to get sold, right? And for those of you looking for ways to make ends meet, while maintaining your lower-bowl season tickets, I say move to a place that doesn't require heat in the winter. Like Bayside for example. I hear plenty of good seats are still available there.
3 comments:
That picture is just plain creepy like the guy in the painting on Ghostbusters 2
I think I am going to get custom lithograph prints for every owner to hang at the entrance to their arena. Just don't let any pink goo get on it...
No, no, no creepy is a bad thing remember. You saw the movie, what fans would want to go to an arena with lithographs hanging. I mean yeah Becky might be alright with your creepy commissioner portrait over your fireplace in Switzerland, but I don't think she allow in the yard in your Mississippi home. Creepy!!!!
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