Hey! Look up there! In the standings! It's LeBron James and the Iguanas! What's that he's holding? The EBP Trophy? Oh that's just last year's? Whew!OLD A-BOMS JUST AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE
MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—In what was being billed as a battle between the top contenders for this year's EBP award, the Zermatt Abominables fell short in their attempt to overtake Los Iguanas de Maracaibo by the score of 4-5. With the loss, Zermatt drops to 2.5 games out of first and now has that "helpless" feeling one gets when your fate is no longer in your own hands.
"Not a good feeling," said Chris Paul, who agreed when asked if the feeling you get when your fate is no longer in your own hands can be described as "helpless". "We're used to taking control late in the season, not being controlled."
Yes, the A-Boms lost, getting swept by their conference rivals. But it was in no way due to lack of EBP-like effort from Chris Paul. Rather, it was due to the non-EBP-like effort from his teammates. While stalwarts Andre Iguodala and Rashard Lewis were serviceable, they were nowhere near their customary levels. Fill-in-the-gappers Zach Randolph and Samuel Dalembert—yes, that's correct—did their best to, well, fill in the gap. But they're no Al Jefferson.
"The A-Boms need to quit their whinin'," said LeBron James, who on the other hand didn't necessarily have an EBP-like week. "Every team's had injury problems—so what? You're tellin' me Al would have shot better than 45% with fewer than 6 turnovers? 'Cause that's where we beat 'em!"
"Agreed," agreed Ray Allen, one of the many Iguanas who stepped their games up last week. "Who here would like nothing more than for everyone, Zermatt included, to just admit the A-Boms don't have it this year? Or does the media love-in with Chris Paul cloud our judgement so much that we can't focus on what the real story is? It's the Igs, baby!"Nonsense! The media has no such preference. Now, for no reason, here's a random image we found.
WADE, DANCERS TURN IT ON TO TOP STRATSPARK CITY (AP)—With the frenzied final push for Wasatch Conference supremacy upon them, the Park City Sundancers had the misfortune of being dealt the short end of the scheduling stick against the Nephi Stratagem, their second most hated rival. Relegated to playing four fewer games than the Cinderella Strats with the fate of the Wasatch Conference hanging in the balance, Park City had little choice but to respond with a "(Shrug) that's the WFBL."
The shorthanded Sundancers were successfully holding their own against an atypically healthy Strats squad when Kevin Durant was forced to sit with a sprained ankle. Just when it appeared that all was lost, resurgent EBP candidate Dwyane Wade put the team on his back, carrying Park City to an improbable 5-3-1 victory. With one week remaining in the regular season, Park City now sits a mere half game behind the first place Twin Falls Gators while Nephi has fallen a game and a half back to third.
After the game, a swarm of reporters congregated around Wade's locker. There were a few stalwarts asking the standard stuff like "What did this win mean to you?" and "How does it feel to be so awesome?" but most of them wanted to know what the deal was with the large silver knob protruding from his belly.
"Oh this? answered Wade, innocently pointing to the knob in question. "That's just my switch. When it started to look like we were in trouble, I flipped it to the 'on' position and took over. I knew the Strats couldn't keep up. I wasn't to be denied."
So it's really as simple as that? Wade flips a switch, and wills the Sundancers to victory?
"Well, I wouldn't say that," clarified Wade. "I believe the league anatomist (Phil Jackson) explained it best," He taught me that all professional athletes have a switch somewhere on their body. The better you are playing, the bigger your switch gets, thus allowing you to 'turn it on and off at will' as they say.
"And all of you (reporters) probably thought that 'turning it on' was just some standard issue cliché we used to quell your inanely esoteric questions so you would leave us alone. Speaking of which, will you guys beat it? I have to give myself a sponge bath so this baby doesn't rust up."
DUMMY-HEADS, PUDDING-FACES COME UP SHORT AS "IMMATURE" KINGS FALL TO UDORN
UDORN (AP)—You have to grow up fast when you're the owner of a WFBL franchise.
Most 8-year-olds spend their days at school, where they make dioramas about Indian habitats and learn new swear words, but not TJ Barnes, the New York Kings owner whose parents pulled him out of school when it became apparent that it was interfering with the day-to-day operation of his basketball team.
"Of course, the minute you do that, friends, acquaintances, and even total strangers suddenly become intensely concerned about your child's social development," explains TJ's mom, Mommy Barnes. "'What about his social life?' was a question we heard a lot. And it's a legitimate concern. If he skips 2nd grade and goes straight into WFBL management, where is he going to learn how to question authority, make fun of people who are different, shirk responsibility for his actions, and seek the path of least resistance—all important skills that he will need when he enters the 'real world'?"
Well, according to Kings guard Steve Nash, Mrs. Barnes has no need to worry. "If she's looking for a substitute for the 2nd-grade social experience, then she certainly must be pleased with her son's 2008-09 New York Kings," Nash said after he and his teammates squandered a golden opportunity to sneak into the playoffs by losing 5-4 to the Udorn Jai-Rai. "This team definitely has maturity issues, if you know what I mean."
We think we do, but just to be sure, we asked forward Carmello Anthony to comment on Nash's assessment. "Nashie says we're immature, huh? Well, I'm rubber and he's glue, so whatever he says bounces off me and sticks to him," Anthony retorted, deftly rendering powerless any possible comeback by Nash.
Center Al Harrington had a similar reaction: "Steve Nash is a banana brain. Look! I'm Steve Nash: 'Duh, duh, can I pway basketbauw wiff you guyz? Just don't bump me, cuz my bones awe bwittowl.'"
"Steve Nash should go back to Canada and put snow in his pants," Anthony added. "I'm 10 times as good as him."
"And I'm 20 times as good," said Harrington.
"Well, I'm 30 times as good," Anthony responded.
"I'm a gazillion times as good."
"I'm infinity times as good."
"I'm infinity plus one times as good."
"That's not a number. You don't know anything."
"Do too."
"Do not."
"Do too, Noodle-Nose."
"Do not, Chicken-Lips."
"Be quiet."
"No, you be quiet."
"No, you be quiet."
"No, you be quiet...."
His point clearly made, Nash shook his head. "Do you see what I have to deal with? I swear, next year if I get drafted I'm going to tell everyone that I'm too busy playing Bejeweled."
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AROUND THE WFBL
Gators 5, SnowBees 3, Nobody 1
That glimmer of hope that the SnowBees claimed to see for the past several weeks has now been extinguished, kind of like the way an ant might be extinguished if sat upon by an elephant. Salt Lake's 5-3-1 loss to Twin Falls leaves the SnowBees 11.5 games out of playoff contention with only 9 games remaining on the schedule, which, according to league statisticians, makes the playoffs a near-impossibility. But forward Dirk Nowitzki, ever the optimist, sees a bright side: "For the first time this year, we have a series where the outcome doesn't matter. This week against Nephi we can truly play like we have nothing to lose, because we've already lost everything meaningful this season. You have no idea what a relief that will be—for me especially, since I'm notorious for disappearing in big games. I expect to have a breakout series. I can hardly wait!"
Butchers 5, Tigers 3, This Reporter—1
Never before has a more glorious matchup been seen in the history of this great league. The skill and artistry demonstrated by both squads—Richmond with their controlled ball-handling, Bayside with their rebounding aptitude—are unrivaled in any game this reporter has had the pleasure of witnessing. Words cannot adequately express the sentiments that were felt while enjoying the grand opportunity of sitting through this battle of WFBL titans. Mere words cannot do justice the thoughts coursing through the mind as it came time to put pen to paper. How does one recap such glorious combat!? It seems to this reporter that one is better off letting the final score compose the story itself.
Underdogs 5, Trojans 4
St. George fans got a rare treat last week when their team won a third consecutive series, a 5-4 thriller against Rigby. It marks the only time all year St. George has strung together more than one victory. However, if Truman and his pups want to give their faithful supporters a real thrill, they'll do their bestest to finish off the regular season with a home win over Twin Falls, because their current win streak has taken place entirely in other teams' arenas, and the good folks of St. George deserve a chance to see what a U-Dog victory looks like in person. In fact, a quick check of the season schedule reveals that the Underdogs have won a grand total of one series at home, 5-3-1 vs. Richmond back in week 3. What better way to say thank you to fans who have stuck with their U-Dogs through thin and thin this season, while at the same time totally screwing things up for the Gators, who are still fighting for playoff position.
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WEEK 17 EBP WINNER (tie)
Pau Gasol, Salt Lake
Dwyane Wade, Park City
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