KG and the Strats bounce Bosh and the 'Dancers out of the unbeaten ranks.
Strats Still Special Despite Success, Roy Claims
NEPHI (AP)—Now the only remaining unbeaten team in the WFBL, the Nephi Strategem toppled the Park City Sundancers 6-2-1 this week, extending their now longest current winning streak to 7—if you feel good about counting their victory over Rigby in the 11th place game last year. The Strats can also now stake a claim to first place for the first time in franchise history, though they are finding out that winning is not all it is cracked up to be.
"Back when we used to lose, other teams would treat us like we were special," explained Brandon Roy. "Players and coaches would always making a point to tell us how proud they were of us, that we even managed to field a team at all. Now that we're winning, the other teams don't quite know what to think. They look like they have been betrayed. Well, I'm here to tell you that we are still special, we're just winning now. Is there anything so wrong with that? Management is still perfectly willing to make ill-advised trades, as evidenced by the deal to ship Ron Artest to Richmond for Marquis Daniels this week. See? Still good ol' lovable Nephi."
Kevin Garnett interrupted, "But did they really need to include Udonis Haslem to sweeten an already lopsided trade?" Owner Justin Banks soon joined the discussion, "Hey, I've been wondering where Udonis has been. I think I might have misclicked on his name. I didn't mean to trade him—lol."
Roy is right about one thing, Nephi will always be special.
So what about Park City? How are they dealing with their first loss of the season? Owner Dave Barton was happy to oblige with a characteristically pompous answer. "Look, it's all part of our master plan. We decided that now was the best time to lose, so we didn't turn into some massive juggernaut that everyone is constantly gunning for. We all know how well that turned out for St. George last year. So all of you that were wondering why Mo only dished 6 assists, or what the story behind our sudden dive in free throw percentage Saturday night was, now you know. Yes, soon we will..."
Barton, who didn't get the memo that James Bond analogies are so 3 weeks ago, trailed off and paused before continuing, "You know, I really need to get better at not explaining away my machinations to the whole league, so I'm just gonna stop myself right there. Sometimes I'm just so proud of my ingenuity that I want to share. Maybe next week I will take a cue from Auric Goldfinger by inviting all you media types to my rumpus room for postgame interviews. That way I can have the satisfaction of getting to explain my elaborate plot in great detail before I gas you all to death. Who's in? Wait... I just did it again, didn't I?"
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A-Boms Annihilated, Focus on What's Really Important
ZERMATT (AP)—Well, so much for that unbeaten streak.
After 14 weeks, the Zermatt Abominables finally went down, and they did so with a whimper. There was no fight in the A-Boms, who suffered their worst loss since the nightmare that was the 2007 Concludings. The Iguanas simply manhandled their arch-rivals, defeating the A-Boms for the first time since Week 11 of the 2006-2007 season.
"They're a good team, sure, but we're just better," said Iguanas forward LeBron James. "Last time we played, they whupped us 9-0. We're just returning the favor."
It's hard to predict how a team will react to such circumstances, and to be honest, many were fearing the worst. League psychiatrist Phil Jackson was on call and ready to be there at the end of the never-in-doubt series for the forlorn A-Boms.
"Sometimes circumstances such as these lead to psychotic episodes, sometimes severe depression," said Jackson, who noted that the Zermatt police department had cleared the streets at his request, fearing some A-Boms players would be compelled to wander them in a daze. "But sometimes a loss like this can be a blessing in disguise."
And so far it looks like Chris Paul and his teammates are intent on staying on the sunny side of life, as it were.
"Coming in to such a big game like this, and then losing in such spectacular fashion, really makes you reevaluate the importance of different things in your life," said Paul. "I hate to dust off an old cliché, but there's more to life than winning basketball games."The sentiment seems to have permeated throughout the Zermatt locker room. Rashard Lewis visited his grandma at the assisted living home and spent the afternoon knitting a sweater with her. Al Jefferson adopted a kitty named him Mr. Whiskers from the local animal shelter. And Paul decided to volunteer some time to the local YMCA, where he will spend every off-day giving motivational speeches to the community.
"I even made a new rap," said Allen "The Answer to the Question Nobody Asked" Iverson. "It's actually more of a spoken-word song than anything else. It's called 'It's Hard to Cry When You Love So Much.'"
"I feel to bemoan this loss would only bring negative feelings to this team, and that's not what we need right now," said coach Ben Barnes. "The Iguanas just handed us our lunch, it's as easy as that. You can't win them all, correct? All we can do is tip our caps and call the Iguanas our....NOOOO! I CAN'T DO IT!!!!! STUPID 'CAIBO!!!!!! I HATE YOU RAY ALLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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AROUND THE WFBL
Jai-Rai 6, Kings 3
The Udorn Jai-Rai, now winners of two in a row, are defying the odds lately and moving up in the World Conference standings. They sit a mere 2.5 games behind the A-Boms for 2nd place. All's well in Thailand then, right? Well, this reporter wanted to point out some reasons to be worried about Udorn's team, but due to recent complaints out of the Jai-Rai camp of unfair media bias, my editor has instructed me to say one nice thing about every Jai-Rai starter. Fine.
• Richard Hamilton's protective face mask, when removed, smells like vanilla and pomegranate.
• Deron Williams had as many turnovers (13) as threes, rebounds, steals, and blocks combined, but is always the first person to pick up the check when the team goes out to Cheesecake Factory.
• David Lee had 58 rebounds last week and regularly gives money to the Salvation Army Santa outside of Wal-Mart.
• Al Horford shot 75% last week from the field, and although he never gives money to the Salvation Army Santa outside of Wal-Mart, he does pat his pockets and give a shrug, making it known that, unfortunately, he doesn't have any cash on him.
• Danny Granger had as many rebounds (10) as he did three-pointers, but he also won a first-quarter time-out contest, where he correctly texted in the answer to the question: "Has Udorn ever lost a series to New York? (answer: no)"
Trojans 6, Underdogs 3
Despite losing 6-3 to the Rigby Trojans, the St. George Underdogs played rather well considering they started a tuna sandwich at small forward. In a related story, sources very close to U-Dog management reported that owner Truman Barnes could be persuaded to part with his tuna sandwich or perhaps one of his other players in exchange for an actual basketball player to fill his small forward spot. At least, that's what sources say.
SnowBees 6, Gators 3
This week WFBL fans got a glimpse of what life might be like if the world suddenly stopped spinning on its axis and then started spinning the other way, and for some reason decided to start orbiting the moon instead of the sun. Or maybe it was just Opposite Day. There has to be some explanation—not only did Zermatt and Park City both lose, but during the same improbable week Salt Lake won. Experts are looking into the possibility that certain Abominables and Sundancers players secretly switched jerseys with SnowBees players, though no one can conceive why they would possibly want to do that. But the fact is that in routing Twin Falls 6-3, the SnowBees played like Abominables and Sundancers, while the two presumptive best teams in the league played like SnowBees. Now with Salt Lake facing Zermatt next week, heaven only knows what will happen. But don't be surprised to see Salt Lake pull off the upset. Also don't be surprised if the sun rises in the West and sets in the East tomorrow.
Tigers 6, Butchers 3
The Bayside Tigers garnered their first victory of the season, a 6-3 decision over the reeling Richmond Butchers, and while the scene in the locker room was one of celebration, there was one member of the Tiger family who was noticeably absent. Not that there is anything odd about that. Yes, estranged owner/coach Rich Lachowsky continues his inexplicable leave of absence, forcing the neglected Bayside players to trudge on without any sort of leader. It's been this way now for so long, however, that many players feel they're fine without him. "I don't care," said keeper Baron "Beardo McWeirdo" Davis. "He ain't in the locker room, he doesn't matter." "He doesn't call, he doesn't check in on us—nothing," said Caron Butler, who was with the fun-loving St. George Underdogs last season. "Truman always remembered our birthdays, but we don't even get a card or an e-greeting from this joker." Michael Beasely agrees: "I know this franchise won the title two years ago, but I am starting to wonder how much Lachowsky actually had to do with that. I mean, I've never even met the guy. I think Marcus (Camby) made him up."
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WEEK 5 EBP WINNER
Dwyane Wade, Park City
