Zermatt fans celebrate as the A-Boms raise their Championship banner prior to the team's 6-3 victory over Bayside.
Defending Champs Make Short Work of Short-Handed Tigers
ZERMATT (AP)— A raucous sell-out crowd was on hand to see the defending champs, and they were not disappointed, as Chris Paul picked up right where he left off last season, leading the Zermatt Abominables to a smooth 6-3 victory over the Bayside Tigers.
Paul and the A-Boms had little trouble in their first week in their quest to become the first ever repeat champs in the WFBL. The victory followed an unreasonably lengthy pregame ceremony, which saw the A-Boms raise their championship banner to the rafters.
"Unreasonably lengthy ceremonies are what makes this league great," said coach/Commissioner Ben Barnes after the festivities, which also saw A-Bom players receive their championship rings. "The only lamentable thing is so many of our players from last season's team couldn't be here today. But on the plus side, a bunch of players from last year's second-place team were on hand."
Barnes of course is referring to Allen Iverson, David West and Tyson Chandler, all starters on the Twin Falls Gators, who—I think this bears repeating—were hammered by Zermatt 7-2 in the Concludings.
"Thing I don't get is, why'd the league wait until the following season to do the ceremony?" asked West. "There's only one guy from last year's winners even here today! Oh and Camby, but he's with Bayside!"
"Nyoink!" Camby said loudly, in the direction of the former Gators, as he grabbed his championship ring from the stage at center court.
"Wait, what? We don't get rings?" said Iverson. "Barnes told me that if we joined the team we'd get rings! That's like the entire reason I signed on here!"
"Don't worry, Alley," Barnes was overheard telling his star shooting guard. "You'll get your ring. You'll just have to wait till next season's opener."
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Kings Owner Not Giving Up Until All Options Exhausted
MARACAIBO (La Verdad)—You may have a hard time convincing New York fans of this, but all is not yet lost for the Kings. Sure, their underwhelming 2-7 effort in Maracaibo last week means that the Quest for Perfection is now over, but the more realistic Quest for Mediocrity remains viable. And sure, the Kings now own the league's worst record, but there remain several options for owner TJ Barnes to improve his team.
For example, he could trade his entire starting lineup for a bag of milk duds. Or another alternative might be to take the team out for lunch at Burger King and, while they're ordering, sneak away and relocate the team to Costa Rica, and then if they ever find him and ask for their starting jobs back, he could pretend he doesn't speak English.
So you see, TJ, like all good managers, is constantly anticipating the moment when his employees will disappoint him, and he always has a plan handy to replace them at the slightest provocation. In fact, TJ says he has one plan in particular that he's especially excited about: "I want to bench all of my starters and replace them with my Sonic the Hedgehog plush doll."Now you know why TJ, at the tender age of 8, is the owner of a WFBL franchise, while most 8-year-olds are still learning how to spell WFBL. The plan has so many obvious advantages, they hardly need mentioning. Yes, the hedgehog, that majestic rodent of unsurpassed grace, power, speed, and assist-to-turnover ratio, may be just the forest creature to reverse the Kings' marred fortunes.
Lesser minds, of course, question the plan's feasability, just as they've done throughout history. For example, some wonder whether it's wise to replace ALL of one's starters with a single Sonic doll. "Isn't that kind of like throwing the baby out with the bathwater?" wonders erstwhile center Greg "Bathwater" Oden.
"Besides that, it's a plush doll! Are you kidding? An inanimate object!" protests ex-starting forward Carmelo Anthony, who, keep in mind, has a candy bar named after him. "Look, I'm not saying I'm better than Sonic the Hedgehog. That would be presumptuous. But I happen to think I AM better than a plush replica."
Other Kings starters, however, are cautiously optimistic. "After watching Melo play defense for nine games," says star point guard Steve Nash, "I'm suddenly very interested in seeing how the plush doll does."
But beside the immediate improvements the Sonic doll would bring in terms of intensity and hustle, he also has tremendous upside. As TJ explains, "If he finds all seven chaos emeralds, he turns into Super Sonic." It's unclear exactly what that means, but anytime something becomes super, you want that on your team. And how hard can it be to find seven chaos emeralds? I'm sure they're around somewhere.
And then of course there are the obvious marketing opportunities Sonic provides. Because, let's face it, has anyone ever tried to market an Andrei Kirilenko plush doll?
League officials are currently working out eligibility issues for Sonic, a native of the planet Mobius, which is not officially recognized by the United States government, so Sonic may not be available for next week's home opener against Richmond. But the message to Kings fans is clear: don't give up until TJ has fully utilized an advantage that few if any WFBL owners can match—his deep reserves of stuffed animals. Then, after that has failed, they are welcome to give up.
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AROUND THE WFBL
Butchers 5, Jai-Rai 4
Udorn came into the season with the mantra "No 5-4 wins, No T-Mac", and so far so good on both counts, as the Jai-Rai lost to the Richmond Butchers. "Not quite what we had in mind, but we'll take it," said Udorn star Rudy Gay. "We set out to not get a 5-4 win, and as one can clearly see, we accomplished the task." It was a total team effort, as early in the week the Jai-Rai had a 5-4 lead. "We saw we had that lead, and knew that wouldn't cut it," Gay continued. "I took it upon myself to miss some open shots, pass on some easy block opportunities, etc. I think everyone will agree our first week was a success." The Jai-Rai look to not win 5-4 again this week against Zermatt.
Gators 5, Rigby 3, Everybody 1
In front of a sell-out crowd, Kobe Bryant and the new-look Gators took care of bidness against the visiting Rigby Trojans, and in the process secured the first of many "firsts" that Twin Falls hopes to accomplish this season: their first season-opening victory in franchise history. "First off, let me just say that I'd like to be the first to congratulate myself for this momentous achievement," said Bryant, who also noted that his Gators are also first in the Wasatch Conference. "This is the first step towards winning our first championship," he continued. "I think a 5-3-1 victory over Rigby really proves that we should be first on everyone's list of contenders."
Sundancers 5, Snowbees 4
The universe, they say, began with a Big Bang. The Salt Lake SnowBees' 2008-09 Season of Promise, which some people believe is slightly less important than the universe, began with something a little bit more like a polite cough. After coming in first in the WFBL draft lottery, the SnowBees inexplicably came in second in their opening-week matchup between the draft's top two-picking teams. Dirk Nowitzki scored some points, Shawn Marion got some steals, etc., but only just enough not to win. Dwyane Wade, the guy the SnowBees DID NOT pick first in the draft, even though they could have, played really well and may have been the reason the SnowBees lost.
Stratagem 5, Underdogs 4
One question about the 2008-09 WFBL season—Who will be this year's St. George Underdogs?—has already been answered, at least in part: It will not be the St. George Underdogs. The Nephi Stratagem administered defeat unto Truman's Superpups, ensuring that the U-Dogs will not repeat last year's feat of starting the season with a record-setting win streak. However, with the loss, St. George does seem to be repeat another of last year's feats: it's season-ending swoon.
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