THIS WEEK IN THE WFBL: WEEK 5

DANCERS DROP GATORS, KOBE STILL CREEPS US OUT; SNOWBEES SEEK GOVERNMENT BAILOUT; A-BOMS, CHÁVEZ BEGIN WAR OF WORDS
















Wade: Oh...yeah? Sleepover this Friday? Um, I'll have to check with coach, but I think I'm washing my hair that night....

Park City Issues Declaration of Dominance; Kobe Hearts Wade

TWIN FALLS (AP)—Make that nine series wins in a row for the Park City Sundancers, who had little trouble asserting their collective will over the Twin Falls Gators this week. (What's that? Zermatt extended their slightly longer winning streak too? Curses!) While it originally could only be described as a battle for Wasatch supremacy, this game of the week match-up quickly turned into a laugher, with Park City easily prevailing 7-2.

Without question, the most entertaining part of the lopsided series was the curious interaction between the two teams' star shooting guards, Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade. Bryant, who is quickly developing quite the resumé of uncomfortable moments with other premiere players, kept whispering in Wade's ear during gameplay, and would follow him around like a puppy dog during breaks in the action.

Wade shed a little light on the unusual situation in the postgame press conference, "At first, Kobe just casually mentioned that a slot was open in his weekly Friday night sleepover, since A-Rod was off hanging out with Madonna. I told him I'd check my schedule, you know just being nice, but he wouldn't take my non-committal reply for an answer. He'd sneak up behind me during every timeout and ask "you gonna come? you gonna come?" Chris and Amare finally had to step in and tell him to make like a tree and get outta here."

"Yeah, Amare and I feel like it's our job to look after D-Wade. He's kinda like our little brother, and I mean that in a very down-to-earth way," explained Bosh. "He deserves to win the weekly EBP just for continuing to put up awesome numbers in spite of Kobe's craziness. A lesser player would have wilted under the awkwardity of the situation. By the way, I know that's not a real word, but I make millions of dollars and just don't care." Bosh then paused to light a cigar with a burning one hundred dollar bill before exiting the press room.

So who's next on the schedule for the Sundancers? Ho hum, just the second place Nephi Stratagem, in a matchup that can only be described as a battle for Wasatch supremacy.

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Mr. Barnes Goes To Washington, Seeks "Improved Liquidification"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)—In one sense, the Salt Lake SnowBees' series with the St. George Underdogs was not yet over when SnowBees owner Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes left Mr. Mac Arena for what he called "important business" here in the nation's capital Friday. But in another sense, this match-up between the Wasatch Conference's two worst teams (which the U-Dogs eventually won 7-2) was over almost before it started.

"After I set my lineup on Monday morning," the Beekeeper explained, "I really have no more influence on my players. I can yell and scream at them all I want, but it doesn't seem to change how they perform. So I figure once the cheerleaders have thrown all the miniballs into the stands and I've danced to 'YMCA' a couple of times, there's really not much reason to stick around."

Hence his justification for leaving early and boarding his private jet, nicknamed the "Bee Plane," and flying to Washington for a private meeting with president-elect Barack Obama. And what was the purpose of this meeting?

"I don't know if you've noticed," says the Beekeeper, "but our team has been struggling a little bit. Our only win so far was a 5-4 nailbiter against gimpy Udorn. And it seems like ever since we became crappy our attendance has gone down. Now, the advantage to that is it's a lot easier for me to catch miniballs when the arena's empty. And I appear on the JumboTron a lot more. And you know those "Make Some Noise" contests where you control how fast the race car goes by how loud you cheer? Some games I win those singlehandedly. But the disadvantage is that I'm short on cash.

"So basically I went to D.C. to see if Mr. Obama could help me out with a little slice of that $700 billion economic stimulus plan—not for myself, mind you. To save my team—and, by extension, our entire economy."

In other words, Barnes went to Washington seeking a government bailout for his floundering basketball franchise.

"No, 'bailout' isn't quite the right word," the Beekeeper insists. "It implies too strongly a degree of failure on my part. I was simply seeking an 'increase in liquid assets.' See how that term obscures fault just enough to defuse possible public opposition? I can't believe you reporters call yourselves writers and I have to explain that to you. Sheesh!"

So about how much in "liquid assets" did the Beekeeper ask for?

"Well, you know, I didn't want to seem greedy," he says. "To really make the SnowBees great again, I could make pretty good use of $350 billion and two sets of Red Sox season tickets. But hey, I know that these are trying economic times for all of us; we all have to make sacrifices, so I told him I could make do with a mere $2 billion and a true point guard.

"It's not really asking that much when you consider how important the SnowBees are to our society at large. If we were to continue to lose and eventually miss the playoffs, the results would be so catastrophic ... I hesitate to even mention them because I don't want to give nightmares to the small children who will read your article. Suffice it to say, the SnowBees are too important to fail."

Surprisingly, Mr. Obama didn't quite see it that way and refused the request—this in spite of the fact that Barnes had brought along reserve forward Tayshun Prince, who the Beekeeper claims is a "close relative" of the president-elect, to help plead his cause.

"The worst part was, Obama looked right at him and pretended he didn't even know him. His own flesh and blood! I felt so bad for Tayshaun; I could tell he just wanted to leave. I mean, they're practically like second cousins—brothers, even—and now just because one of them became the leader of the free world and the other one rides the pine for a mediocre basketball time, Barack treats him like a total stranger! Can you believe it?

"Well, at that point he was just about to write me a check for the 2 bill, but I said, 'You know what? No thanks. If that's how you treat family, I don't want your constituents' money.'"

So now, lacking government funding and still without a true point guard, the SnowBees have to find some other way to salvage what's left of the season.

"Yeah, I'm not sure what our plan B is" Barnes says. "I think we'll probably just hope our currently players just magically become better."

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AROUND THE WFBL

Jai-Rai 6, Tigers 3
The Udorn Jai-Rai not only won for the first time all season, but the injury-depleted team from Thailand also managed to notch their first non-5-4 victory since Week 14 of last season (that's 13 weeks, including postseason for those of you scoring at home). And just when Jai-Rai fans thought a 6-3 victory and third place in the World Conference couldn't be done, Coach Jackson goes and clears keeper Deron Williams to play this week. "I'm back and ready to go. And by back I mean I am ready to contribute a high number of turnovers with terrible percentages," said Williams. "Just like old times." Jackson said he felt confident that Williams would be able to perform up to his normal standards after running through some scrimmages last week. "He did a nice job of hitting fewer than 40% of his shots from the field and under 70% from the line," said Jackson. "When I saw that was turning it over at about a rate of 4 per practice, that's when I knew, the man is back. Let the CP3-DWill debate commence!"

Iguanas 5, Butchers 4
The Iguanas dispatched of the Richmond Butchers and quickly turned their attention to their upcoming game against the top-ranked, defending champion, and overall annoying Zermatt Abominables. In an email obtained by the AP, Maracaibo coach Fran Hopkin laid down the gauntlet of fury. "Commish, do I smell a game of the week between old roommates, a battle for 1st place, and one of the most heated rivalries in all of sports? I think I do! There have been some major lineup changes for this blockbuster my friend! (Venezuelan President) Hugo (Chávez) has given me permission to pull out the stops. His words exactly, 'Iguanas must win at all costs. The whole budget of Venezuela is in its disposition. It hardly cerciórese to send those Abominable ones at the age of ice again.' Now that's serious my friend! To the Winner!"

Barnes, not one to back down from a gauntlet of any kind, much less one of fury, responded in kind: "Is that what that smell is? Hugo is a disgrace to society and everything good therein. The people of Switzerland will not tolerate his socialist attitude. ¿Álo Presidente? More like ¡Chao Pues, Presidente! Bring it, Francis!"

Stratagem 6, Trojans 3

It might seem that all anyone wants to talk about when it comes to the Nephi Stratagem is how bad they were last year. Well, they were bad last year. Really, REALLY bad, remember? But a new season brings many things, such as new ways for Tracy McGrady to injure his knee, and all manner of hair-brained conspiracy theories involving the Commish. However, perhaps the most important thing the new season brings is a clean slate. Nephi didn't have a series win until week 7 last year. This year, they have yet to lose through five weeks. What is the great secret to this incredible turnaround? Strats owner Justin Banks and an unnamed league analyst were recently overheard discussing Nephi's change of fortunes.

Justin Banks: The fact that I participated in the draft myself really helped. I think a lot of teams sent robots or monkeys to draft their teams. When you look at our roster this year, how else do you explain all the injury and/or rage prone players assembled in one place? There is no way such a squad could be randomly assembled.

League Analyst: In a way, all of these risk-filled players are keeping one another in perfect balance, a variation of Three Stooges Syndrome.

JB: So what you're saying is, my team is indestructible?

League Analyst: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...

JB: Indestructible.

Abominables 5, Kings 4
For the second time in three weeks, the New York Kings miss out on an actual victory but manage a "virtual victory" against one of the league's top teams, this time coming within 4 rebounds of snapping the Zermatt Abominables' interminable win streak. So owner TJ Barnes is probably pretty pleased with that, right? "NO!!" he said Monday. "I want to WIN!!!". But it's not like TJ's Uncle, Zermatt owner Ben Barnes, is any more pleased. "I'm sure you all realize that if not for Carmelo leaving Sunday's game with his mysterious elbow injury, our unbeaten streak—which stands at 14 weeks and counting, mind you—would be a thing of the past. 5 rebounds! That's how close we came to losing to one of the worst teams in the league, no offense TJ." Is this a sign of the beginning of the end for Zermatt? Special guest league forecaster Hugo Chávez seems to think so. "The Abominable ones are doing against the possible time of Iguanas in worse of the cases," said Chávez. " It's that not them aid, in equipment, to eking towards outside victories when its equipment is being realised bad. It gives a sensation them of false security. I can see the part inferior falling against Maracaibo."

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WEEK 4 EBP WINNER
Chris Paul, Zermatt