A victim of the so-called power rankings curse, Amare Stoudemire has seen better days.
'DANCER NATION ADDRESSES POWER RANKINGS HONCHO AFTER LOSS
PARK CITY (AP)—A week after earning their first 9-0 victory in franchise history and moving past Los Iguanas de Maracaibo for the coveted #1 spot in the power rankings, the Park City Sundancers stumbled to the surging Twin Falls Gators by a stinging score of 7-2. After this unexpected setback, members of Sundancer Nation have written an open letter to the mysterious Power Rankings Committee. How does this relate to the outcome of the actual game? Read on and find out. (Editor's Note: As is often typical of hardcore fans, the letter has been written as though they are actually part of the team, using possessive nouns such as "we" and "our".)
Dear Power Rankings Committee,
Your prestigious members have voted us to the #1 spot three times in our franchise history—once early in the 06-07 season and twice this year. While this accomplishment may seem like a good thing, we who are experts at finding the negative in otherwise positive scenarios, contend that it is not. Allow us to explain.
Unlike Deseret News movie critic Jeff Vice's unflapping composure in the presence of stars like Tom Hanks or Forest Whitaker, we seem to get a bit flustered when we are awarded #1. Our only two series losses this season have come after reaching this summit. Additionally, our franchise record while holding the #1 spot is 7-19-1.
While in this position, not only do we suffer collectively, but individually as well. Amare Stoudemire, once tabbed as the first black James Bond, this week resembled a creaky 57 year old Roger Moore in A View To A Kill, awkwardly advancing on girls less than half his age. Our slumping big man had almost as many turnovers (16) as rebounds (19), and shot an uncharacteristic 36% from the field.
This power rankings curse (for lack of a better word) has proven itself to be even stronger than the good will of the Sundance Film Festival, which is currently wrapping up. In previous seasons, festival week has given our boys the boost they needed to break out of lingering slumps. Not so this year.
Earlier this season we handily thumped the Gators 7-2, which coincidentally was enough to move us to #1 the first time. Now we find ourselves on the losing end of a 7-2 beatdown, courtesy of none other than the Gators, likely dropping us out of the #1 spot once again. This so-called curse, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.
Finally, as fans, we prefer to root for the wily underdog (not to be confused with THE Underdogs). For this, and all reasons previously mentioned, we are pleading with your committee members to not elect us to #1 in the power rankings until the Sundancers have successfully triumphed in the Concludings, and are being showered with confetti. Then it is ok.
Sincerely,
Sundancer Nation
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U-DOGS, SNOWBEES TAKE OLD-TIMEY WEEK TO WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL
ST GEORGE (AP)—Nobody knows how to celebrate the WFBL's Old-Timey Week quite like St. George, for obvious reasons. While teams from younger cities throughout the league honored our venerable past simply by donning long-discarded uniforms, the hometown St. George Underdogs and the visiting Salt Lake SnowBees turned their matchup into an elaborate history lesson/nostalgic trip down memory lane, setting a new standard for compromising the integrity of the game for the sake of gimmicks designed to attract attention and increased revenue.The series began with each player reciting his favorite Victorian poem, the highlight coming when U-Dog guard Ben Gordon reminded us all why we commemorate Old-Timey Week in the first place—besides the increased revenue—with these words from Tennyson's "In Memoriam":
So word by word, and line by line,
The dead man touch'd me from the past,
And all at once it seem'd at last
The living soul was flash'd on mine.
Then Super Energy Vitamin Pill Arena seemed to be magically transported back in time, as the players from both teams took the court wearing canvas high-tops and tight-fitting thick cotton uniforms. Players were allowed to shoot only two-handed set shots (no jumpers or layups) and were required to run in quick, jerky movements. The pace of the game seemed a little slower than usual, since officials had to climb a ladder and retrieve the ball out of the peach basket after every made shot. But the St. George crowd, all wearing their Sunday best, the men looking dapper in their cravats and bowler hats and the women in petticoats and parasols, didn't seem to care, as most of them were just happy to have something to help them keep their minds off the Great Depression and the Black Plague and things like that.
As the series proceeded, each player was given the opportunity to honor an era of world history of his choice. SnowBees forward Dirk Nowitzki, for example, commemorated Medeival Germany by not bathing or washing his uniform all week. U-Dog forward and Dominican native Francisco Garcia recalled Christopher Columbus's 1492 conquest of the Dominican Republic for Spain by recording four steals, all of them against Spaniard Pau Gasol. SnowBees guard Manu Ginobili honored his South American heritage by wearing an Incan headdress throughout the series and agreeing to offer himself and his teammates as human sacrifices if they lost (fortunately, the series ended in a 4-4-1 tie).
U-Dog center Dwight Howard chose to honor our brave World War II veterans by enlisting in the Navy and spending the week in the Pacific, where he shot down 21 Japanese war planes and deflected 6 enemy bombs with his bare hands, although unfortunately none of those stats counted toward his team's totals. SnowBees guard Jamal Crawford also chose a military theme, honoring our brave Vietnam-era draft-dodgers by staging a sit-in, handcuffing himself to the scorer's table and refusing to play the final two games of the series.
But the highlight of the series, of course, came afterwards when executives from both teams celebrated the true meaning of Old-Timey Week by counting up the gate receipts and the merchandise sales and depositing the money in their bank accounts.
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AROUND THE WFBL
Iguanas (Pups) 7, Butchers (Sand Dunes) 2 The Pups, still lovable—and unbeatable!—in their purple-and-orange-trimmed getup, had more than enough "getup" for the fast-falling Sand Dunes. "7 to 2, how do you do!" exclaimed their King of the week, LeBron James. "Well, sir, we had it on our minds to make sure we made crisp bounce passes, sharp back-cuts, and to keep those hands in the air. That's the key to winning your match, that's right." The 'Dunes could be wise to follow Mr. James' advice. "That LeBron is an alright chap," said all-around talent Josh Smith. "A bit too full of himself for my taste, but he sure can bring a crowd, ain't that right?"
Abominables (Fightin' Yetis) 8, Kings (Triceratops) 1In the aftermath of a disheartening loss that set his team back in a tight playoff race, Kings center Nene (whose name means "baby" in Portuguese, which probably seemed to his parents like an appropriate name when Nene was born but feels a little strange now that he's 6-11 and weighs 250 pounds) made it a point to express to the media his personal confidence in struggling point guard Steve Nash, who, at age 34, is the Kings' own "Old Timer" (as 8-year-old owner TJ Barnes likes to point out, "He's even older than Daddy," if you can fathom that). "Creaky bones and poor shooting percentages aside, Nash is still the leader of this team," Nene said of week 12's EBP, who provided good evidence that popular vote may not be the best way to decide the EBP. "Everyone likes to talk about how great players make their teammates better. Well Steve has been doing that for years, and now he's elevated his game to a new level: he not only makes his teammates better, but he also makes his opponents better.
"That's why when I saw that he had been nominated as last week's EBP I immediately subscribed to eight different Internet service providers so I could vote for him often enough to put him over the top. Did that make a mockery of the EBP voting process? Perhaps. But then again, you could argue that our entire league makes a mockery of professional basketball, so I don't really feel guilty."
Trojans 6, Stratagem (Nephites) 3Just when it looked like the Nephi Stratagem were well on their way to an easy victory, primed to reclaim first place from the faltering Sundancers, a defiant Yao Ming stood up and said "stop right there!" before quickly sitting down again. Suffering from a dreaded "knee bump," Yao sat out the better part of two games, allowing the dark horse Trojans to wheel in unexpectedly and overtake the surprised Strats. "We do have a gameplan for when Yao goes down, and we tried a little bit of everything," explained Kevin Garnett, "from building large ridges of earth around Rigby's basket to giving Joe Johnson of our wine that he might become exceedingly drunken—but he wouldn't fall for it. I hate to say it, but this time the Stratagem were straight up out-strategized."
Jai-Rai 5, Tigers (Fast Dollys) 4Recently, there hasn't been much to cheer about in "Jai-Land", but what's that? Three straight victorious outings in a row, and those snake-throwing monkey-men find themselves in a nonpareil position—that's right, playoff position! But hold the phone, folks, nobody ever said you could have your cake and eat it too! In the midst of all this good fortune, our friends from the East take a serious shot to their star shooter, Marvelous Michael Redd. Seems his knee ain't what it used to be, and havin' tears in those bone-connectin' fibers is more than enough to sideline your season. So the Jai-Rai will have to buck up and push along the road to postseason glory without him. As for Redd? Well, it's off to waiver-land for you. Thanks for you help, but your services are no longer required. Don't let the door hit you on the knee on your way out.
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WEEK 12 EBP WINNER
Steve Nash, New York
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