2008-2009 WFBL TEAM RECAPS

YOUR SEASON'S OVER. NOW WHAT, EXACTLY?

You thought we'd forgotten, didn't you? While we admit it's hard to get too excited about recapping another WFBL season where your team didn't win the Concludings (A-Boms excluded), we also know that those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. One great thing about this league (and there are so, so many great things) is that regardless of how your team did this season, tomorrow is another day. What is there to look forward to, you ask? Well, besides 2009-10 marking the WFBL's 5th season, a bumper crop of talent will be released into the draft. LeBron? Kobe? Paul? Dirk? Yao? They could be yours.

ZERMATT ABOMINABLES

The Zermatt Abominables have won back-to-back titles. We can safely say that's been reported. But did you know that Commisioner Barnes's three titles (don't forget the Magna Township Underdogs, friends) all had one common component? That's right: Chris Paul. Even as a rookie, Paul contributed down the stretch for the Commish's team in 2007. What will Barnes do now that the chances of landing the reigning EBP are equal to that of every other team? Rig the Draft Lottery? Swing another embarassingly one-sided trade? Many wouldn't put it past him. Barnes' hunger for victory is exceeded only by his thirst for the blood of his opponents. If 2009 was the season the rest of the league banded together to keep the Commish from winning another title (y'all failed, by the way), next season will undoubtedly be the season the league comes together to keep Chris Paul out of Zermatt. But CP3 or no CP3, it would be foolish to count out the Commish next season. And not just because he's the Commish (and really, who knows what shennanigans go on behind closed WFBL front-office doors), but also because four straight Concludings appearances are four straight Concludings appearances. Three WFBL titles are three WFBL titles. And unless your name rhymes with "Lost his house key", winning a championship is no accident.

PARK CITY SUNDANCERS

As Chris Bosh "prophesied" at the start of the season, the Park City Sundancers finally cast off the shackles of being so-so this year, earning the #1 seed in the playoffs by virtue of having the top regular season record in the league. Unfortunately, the Sundancers came up just short in the Concludings to the Zermatt "Evil Empire" Abominables (who are quickly finding themselves at the top of numerous "Most Hated Fake Franchise in all of Pretend Sports" polls [ed. note: 2nd only to the Brigham City Aswangs]).

Though their dream of winning their first championship was shattered, Park City is already looking to next year and fantasizing about their one in six chance of snagging a top 2 pick in the draft. It's not going to be pretty for the rest of the league if the Dancers are able to add Lebron James or Chris Paul along side Dwyane Wade. Such a fortuitous turn of events would give the 'Dancers two of this year's top three EBP candidates in their starting lineup next season. "You know, either Chris Paul or Lebron would be totally awesome," disclosed Park City owner Dave Barton, "but ideally, we'd prefer to get Paul. I can think of no better way of sticking it to Zermatt, and really, isn't that what it's all about?"

The rest of the league is now free to nod in agreement.

TWIN FALLS GATORS

It's an end of an era in Twin Falls. Despite winning his only EBP and Concludings Title as an Underdog, it's hard to not think of the Gators when thinking of the Mamba. Perhaps this is precisely what Shaun Adams and the 3rd-place Gators need. A new beginning. A fresh start. While the face of the franchise will change, one thing that Twin Falls brass are touting will change things for the better is that team headquarters will actually be in Twin Falls next year. No more long commutes from Brigham City!

Whatever surprise the Draft Lottery brings, when it comes to the Gators—to quote the immortal Allen Iverson—"one thing's for sure, two thing's for certain": Adams will have his team ready to compete every night, hating everything about the Abominables along the way.

LOS IGUANAS DE MARACAIBO

"The road to the Concludings Title goes through Maracaibo!"

Those were the words of Iguanas coach Fran Hopkin, when asked to sum up his time as coach of the perennial late-season chokers. A simple look at the past three years' official web sites reveal that, indeed, it does. In both 2007 and 2009, the Iguanas lost to the eventual Concludings victor. In 2006 (as the Weber Mexican Hairless) and 2008, the Iguanas were at or near the top of the standings all season long before flaming out near the end, costing themselves a higher seed.

Despite all of this, you'll never hear anything but optimism from Hopkin. And while it must be considered a disappointment to have who many (but not this web site) consider to be the greatest basketball player alive—LeBron James—and fail to win a title, Los Iguanas can be counted on to be back to their old tricks. Their old tricks of an awesome first 3/4 of the season, with another humiliating, predictable flameout.

NEPHI STRATAGEM

If anything, The Nephi Stratagem's successful sophomore campaign finally puts some distance between the franchise and their horrific first season. In 2009-10, no longer will every story about the Strats be prefaced with "remember how bad they were last year?" Now it will be "remember how good they were last year after being so bad the year before?" I kid.

Indeed Justin Banks, Yao Ming and co. acquitted themselves nicely en route to a respectable 5th place finish. One can only speculate how far they would have gone with a healthy Kevin Garnett, who, future drafters beware, has been making a habit of pulling up lame down the stretch the last few years. As for star shooting guard Brandon Roy, he continues getting better and better. Roy hoisted this team on his shoulders for much of the season, and looks to continue carrying the load as he is currently the frontrunner to be the Strats keeper for 2009-10.

UDORN JAI-RAI

2009 was precisely what the Jai-Rai needed. They already had low expectations from choking away a playoff spot in 2008, so making the playoffs more than satisfied Udorn fans. In fact, coach Devin Jackson called reaching the postseason for the first time their "greatest accomplishment". With that out of the way, what lies in store for the Jai-Rai? Deron Williams, their best player from the last two seasons, is in no way guaranteed to be back. But now that fans have tasted the playoffs, will they cry "EPIC FAIL" if that benchmark is not at least matched?

Time will tell. The good news? Jackson, who has shown he can hang with the best of them in his two years in the league, has a shoo-in keeper selection in high-key Danny Granger. He can only hope that the player many are calling Shawn Marion 2.0 doesn't download a virus and crash like the original version.

ST. GEORGE UNDERDOGS

Shortly after receiving his barf bag—I mean, tote bag—for winning the 2008-09 WFBL Consolation tournament, St. George Underdogs owner Truman Barnes set right to the very important work of going outside and digging holes in the back yard, riding his scooter, feeding ducks, throwing snails into the street, and roughhousing with his brother. Of course, this demanding schedule has made him unavailable to comment on the 08-09 season, but U-Dogs center Dwight Howard, whose two-year contract with St. George has expired, seems to have plenty of time on his hands, so he eagerly agreed to a brief interview:

AP: Will it be hard to leave St. George?

DH: Not really. I mean, I had some good times, but I'm looking forward to playing someplace where the demographics are, well, a bit younger. I was getting a bit tired of the fans here always comparing me to players who've been dead for several years. All I ever heard was "George Mikan would have made that free throw" or "Nice layup, but Wilt Chamberlain would have dunked that" or "Nice dunk, but Shawn Bradley would have dunked it behind his head and held on the rim a bit longer for emphasis" or "Nice block, but Shaquille O'Neal would have blocked it so hard that it would have gone all the way across the court into our basket for three points, and then he would have intimidated the ref into calling a shooting foul and converted the four-point play." Wait, is Shaq still alive?

AP: No, not really.

DH: Anyway, I'd like to play for a team like Udorn or Maracaibo where the basketball memory doesn't go so far back into prehistory. That said, I'll miss Truman and his pregame hugs. I've heard that other owners don't do that, so that'll be an adjustment. Maybe I can convince them to try it.

AP: Could you comment on this past season and how the Underdogs went from contenders in 07-08 to completely irrelevant in just one year?

DH: Well, you know, not everyone can contend for the championship every year unless your owner happens to be the league commissioner. That's just the way the game of basketball goes. This isn't duck-duck-goose, you know—this is basketball. Now, if it WERE duck-duck-goose, THAT would be a different story. We played duck-duck-goose a few times during practice. Super funtastic!

AP: What advice do you have for any WFBL players who may find themselves in U-Dog uniforms next season.

DH: Brush up on your World War II history, because I guarantee you'll get questions about it. And Truman will do jumping chest bumps with you, but he can't jump very high, and take a little mustard off it or you'll knock the poor little guy on his hiney. And remember that you run counter-clockwise in duck-duck-goose.

NEW YORK KINGS

Some people, most of whom don't know anything, might look at the New York Kings' 2008-09 season and consider it a failure (yes, I'm talking about you). True, the Kings missed the playoffs for the second straight year, and true, making the playoffs is an accepted measurement of success in professional sports. But as eight-year-old Kings owner TJ Barnes well knows, whenever you don't seem to be succeeding according to established rules, all you have to do is change the rules.

"It's true that we didn't win a lot of games this year," admits Kings guard Paul Pierce. "And winning is important to a lot of people. But as Coach TJ has reminded us all season, even more important is the fact that a lot of players on our team have cool names."

What other team in the history of sports could boast a player whose name means "baby" (Nene) and a player with a candy bar named after him (Carmelo Anthony)? Well, I mean besides the Yankees when they had Babe Ruth.

OK, but did the Yankees also have a player whose name means "puncture with a sharp object" (Pierce)? And those are just the starters. Add Kevin Love, AK47, and Beno Udrih, and the 08-09 Kings may just be the deepest cool-names team ever.

Unfortunately, per league rules all but one of those players must be exposed to free agency, albeit against their will. But there's a chance that TJ could reacquire all of them except Steve Nash, whose name is not particularly cool and who, after three years in New York, has pretty much worn out his welcome. That opens up a roster spot for the much-coveted Allen Iverson, whose name, TJ has keenly observed, kind of looks like "alien invasion." Most owners, of course, don't notice things like that, because all they look at is statistics like points and turnovers and blah blah blah. But that's what sets TJ apart from most owners, who, like I said, don't know anything.

SALT LAKE SNOWBEES

In most of the hemispheres represented by the WFBL, it's springtime. After a long, cold, lifeless winter, those first brave buds of hope are just now venturing out of the newly thawed ground, timid at first but soon bold with color—tiny, elegantly dressed sentries proclaiming that while the winter was bitter, the future is bright.

The ancient Mesopotamians, Persians, and Egyptians were all known for their sacred rites of spring, so it stands to reason that the WFBL—itself a world-dominating civilization ruled by a tyrant—would hold similar rituals this time of the year.

In Zermatt, Switzerland, where spring lasts approximately 16 minutes, this consists mainly of gloating about another championship. But in Salt Lake City, home of the unassuming SnowBees, spring is a time to be thankful that another long, cold lifeless WFBL season is finally over. It's a time for shedding the lifeless players who, like dead vegetation, have cumbered the team's soil all winter, and, with a roster nearly empty of talent but a heart full of hope, look to the future.

Yes, hopes springs eternal in Salt Lake. No matter how bad the winter was—and it's been pretty bad the past few years—spring always comes, and with it the chance that maybe, just maybe, all of the good players will end up in Salt Lake, and they won't ever get injured, and the Beekeeper won't make any bonehead trades.

So enjoy spring, Salt Lake. Feel the rebirth all around you. Immerse yourself in life. Life. Life gives life to life. Feel it inside you. Breathe it in. Breathe Shawn Marion out.

And try not to think about the fact that, just like spring, winter always comes too.

RIGBY TROJANS

If the Rigby Trojans' last-place 2008 finish was a debilitating accident wherein they lost all use of their limbs, the 2009 season was their first wobbly step after doctors told them they'd never walk again. Pretty amazing that they are even moving, but at the same time, still just one step.

There were big performances for Rigby this season—wins over Marcaibo and Nephi, a tie against Park City—as well as demoralizing losses—1-8 to RIchmond, 1-7-1 to both Twin Falls and Salt Lake—but the lessons learned can only help them. Take into account that Nathan Wallace's consultant/girlfriend Laiken will have a full season under her belt, and all signs point up for the Commish's brother-in-law. Rumors are swirling that Rigby brass has their eyes on Vince Carter as their keeper, and if true, the Trojans may be ready to take that next logical step...um...which in this comparison, would be another step.

RICHMOND BUTCHERS

The husband/wife team of Diana and Ben Edgell teamed up to give us their season review:







Yeah, that about sums it up.

BAYSIDE TIGERS

In one of his patented, rare phone interviews, Rich Lachowsky quelled all rumors that he'll be selling his team next season by boldly declaring his plans to return to...ahem..."coach" the Bayside Tigers back to their 2007 glory. Now this reporter's no Bayside Tiger fan, but one has to think the enthusiasm for this announcement is being tempered just a bit, don't you? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I doubt the Mayor of Bayside's got any plans to hold a parade at this news or anything like that.

Regardless, Lachowsky presses on. The Commish no doubt is happy to have all the "Original Four" owners competing in next year's 5th Anniversary Season. But which Lachowsky will show up next season? The one whose apathy led to last or second-to-last place finishes in three of four seasons? Or the one whose apathy led to a Concludings Title? If the fact that this reporter had to tell him who his starting five was gives you any sort of indication, it'll be another long season in southern California.