This is definitely what we see when we think of "Sundancers".Once again, the Commish and the Nameless Committee have gathered up a sampling of the 100 best quotes from the season. So for all you out there too "busy" to actually read all the articles (a preposterous notion), here's the best of the best.
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"Working hard during the off-season on slide shows is what wins championships!"
Ben Barnes
"Let's go crazy! Wow, that was fun."
Amare Stoudemire
"After this season, people will think 'quality basketball' when they think of Rigby. You know, instead of the usual 'do they still only have two stoplights there?' or 'why don't they ever plow the roads in the winter?', or my favorite 'do they still let you out of school for potato harvest?'"
Rashard Lewis
"Iguanas is behind, baby and lists to gain it everything!"
Fran Hopkin
"Will this be the year the SnowBees catch their fans unaware and finally win something meaningful, or will their biggest win continue to be getting their name drawn out of a hat by a three-year-old?"
Associated Press
"The Sundancers have been medial for long enough. When I ruminate about what exactly a Sundancer is, I like to think about elves or pixies twirling on the edge of a resplendent solar eclipse—ain't nothin' medial about that. By the way, have any of you guys ever tried word of the day toilet paper? It is really quite prodigious!"
Chris Bosh
"Hey, did you guys notice we brought D-Wade back too? He ruined our 06-07 season. It's like a high school reunion around here. Good times."
Dave Barton
"Last place vanquish of consolation branches, coach?
Yao Ming
"Anything is possible! ANYTHING IS POSSSSIBBBLLLLE!!!!! Top a da world, baby! TOP A DA WOOOORRLLD!!!"
Kevin Garnett
"We want to take it one week at a time so we can truly appreciate the nuances of each level of success. For now, we are seeing what 5-4 wins are like—that 'well, we could have done better were it not for the random injuries and off nights, but at least we didn't lose' feeling."
Justin Banks
"Yeah, Amare and I feel like it's our job to look after D-Wade. He's kinda like our little brother, and I mean that in a very down-to-earth way. He deserves to win the weekly EBP just for continuing to put up awesome numbers in spite of Kobe's craziness. A lesser player would have wilted under the awkwardity of the situation. By the way, I know that's not a real word, but I make millions of dollars and just don't care."
Chris Bosh
"Such positive energy from wily veterans like Nash and Pierce is sure to rub off on newcomers like rookie Greg Oden, who, though only 20 or something, looks like he could be Steve Nash's father (I know, that's an unrelated thought, but that's what sportswriters do: we use relative clauses as storage bins for random bits of info; get used to it)."
Associated Press
"Also don't trade away Amare Stoudemire. I know he's not on our team or anything, but if he somehow comes back, we should not trade him away. I think that goes without saying."
Deron Williams
"Coach said if I worked really hard all week in practice I could invite 3 people over to my sleepover pajama party. It was really hard to narrow it down to just three, but Tony and Michael are my super best friends forever, and they totally had to be here."
Kobe Bryant
"But at times one hears murmurs of 'conspiracy' from a certain vocal minority. What punishment awaits such traitors, if there exists one painful enough?"
Associated Press
"Whatever. As long as we keep the A-Boms from making the playoffs, the rest is icing on the cake."
Shaun Adams
"The fact that I participated in the draft myself really helped. I think a lot of teams sent robots or monkeys to draft their teams."
Justin Banks
"I'm here to tell you that we are still special, we're just winning now. Is there anything so wrong with that? Management is still perfectly willing to make ill-advised trades, as evidenced by the deal to ship Ron Artest to Richmond for Marquis Daniels this week. See? Still good ol' lovable Nephi."
Brandon Roy
"'Virgnia is for Lovers', as the saying goes, and we all know that Jason Kidd is a lover. And a fighter. And I love to fight for Virginia."
Jason Kidd
"I hate to use clichés, but I believe the saying 'anything is possible' would apply in this situation, would it not? I thought so."
Kevin Garnett
"Sure, we could ban performance-enhancers, but practice enhances performance—are you going to ban that too?"
League Drug Czar Bud Selig
"Coach asked me if I wouldn't mind sittin' this one out. And of course I knew what was going on, so I told coach 'no problem, I'll sit it out'. But only if it meant I could sit out practice too."
Allen Iverson
"I think the only league analyst who still talks about switchies in intelligent circles is Charles Barkley. The fact is, for every pattern you identify that favors your team, there's another one that favors your opponent."
Phil Jackson
"But instead of channeling Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns (as the preseason power rankings hinted at), these kitties have once again filled their litter box, making like Halle Berry in Catwoman. For those keeping count in sunny Bayside, that's two Halle Berry comparisons in just under a week. I'm no movie expert, but that can't be a good sign."
Associated Press
"Attendance has gone way up since I started threatening players' lives. The outcome of each game has suddenly become more interesting. Maybe next week I'll start threatening fans too."
Ted Barnes
Uh-oh! Keep Evil Dwight away from any tire yards/Olympic flames!"Often something as simple as finding a glowing green crystal in the snow will do the trick. Others need an existential, logic-straining, hand-to-hand battle with one's somehow-embodied alter ego. You kind of just have to turn off your brain to understand that one, but it worked for Superman. As for Spider-man, I have to admit I never actually watched that movie, so I don't know how it worked out for him."
League Psychoanalyst and Literary Theorist Phil Jackson
"I think the best thing for everyone to do in this situation is to panic. To remain calm right now I think would be to deny the seriousness of the problem. I expect all of my players to go home after this loss and seriously consider whether life continues to have meaning for them—frankly, I'm not sure it does. At the very least, I hope they all yell at their kids and refuse to help their wives around the house. To be civil toward their families or to continue to participate in mundane household chores would be to insinuate that family harmony is somehow more important than ending our current losing streak, and obviously that's ludicrous."
Ted Barnes
"It's funny, because now the question 'How's the weather up there?' can be answered by me as both a very tall man and as a man on the top of the conference standings. One meaning of that question has already gotten old, the other I don't think ever will."
Yao Ming
"I take full responsibility for our current losing streak, for the country's recent economic downturn, and for the fact that the nachos at Mr. Mac Arena kind of taste like salty cardboard, and I absolve the Beekeeper of any fault for all of these things. At the same time, I urge SnowBees fans to continue to purchase tickets and merchandise and come to home games as if the team were doing well, and if you can't come to the games, then at least purchase tickets. I hereby promise that the next time the SnowBees are in a position to draft me, I will warn them if I'm going to have a mediocre season."
Remorsefully, Shawn Marion
"Too early?!? We're 18 games into the season! If this were the NFL, we'd be in the playoffs by now. Correction—we'd be out of the playoffs by now, looking for jobs selling concessions at other teams' playoff games."
Ted Barnes
"One things for sure, two things for certain. That Thaddeus kid is alright. He can hit the three, he gets steals, he doesn't get nearly enough rebounds that he should. It's like if Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis had a baby, it'd be Thaddeus. I shall call him Thaddeus TurkoLew. Just saying that name give me chillbumps."
Allen Iverson
"I'm here for motivational purposes. I serve as a constant reminder to the other players that they are all in perpetual danger of losing their job to a woodland rodent. And by the way, if I were in there, I guarantee you (Butchers guard) John Salmons does not score 71 points."
Sonic the Hedgehog
"It's backfiring actually. I mean, I feel insulted, but not to the extent that I want to prove everyone wrong and start making a bunch of three-pointers or something. I feel just enough insult to undermine my confidence. I think I may actually start playing worse now, if you can imagine that."
Al Harrington
"After watching Melo play defense for nine games. I'm suddenly very interested in seeing how the plush doll does."
Steve Nash
"saw rudolph on abc family new kind of family that santa is racist! LOL jk "
Shaquille O'Neal
"jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way oh what fun it is to SHAQ ATTACK! lol"
Shaquille O'Neal
"Alger was raised by a pack of yetis in a cave high in the Swiss Alps, where he learned from a young age many skills that would help him to become who he is today: skills such as dunking basketballs off trampolines and silly-string marksmanship."
Associated Press
"Over the past week, Michael and I have become very close. Before I knew him just as a name and a hand to shake before tipoff—and I suppose as a teammate with Bayside last year—but playing nine games against each other in seven days really gave us a chance to deepen our relationship."
Pau Gasol
"How dear to this heart are the scenes of my childhood,
When fond recollection presents them to view!
The snowfall, the mountaintops, the deep-tangled wild-wood,
And every loved spot which my infancy knew!
...And e'en the rude skis that hung on the wall—
Those oaken of yore, the heaven-sent skis,
The snow-covered skis which hung on the wall."
Unnamed and Unsuccessful Printer and Publisher/Amateur Poet
"Hey, I've been wondering where Udonis has been. I think I might have misclicked on his name. I didn't mean to trade him—lol."
Justin Banks
"Sometimes I'm just so proud of my ingenuity that I want to share. Maybe next week I will take a cue from Auric Goldfinger by inviting all you media types to my rumpus room for postgame interviews. That way I can have the satisfaction of getting to explain my elaborate plot in great detail before I gas you all to death."
Dave Barton
"For the first couple of weeks I'd have thumb wars on the bench with lil' Nate, but after he got his starting shot in week 3, it was like he wasn't one of us anymore. And I wasn't going to play with Luis (Scola)—dude's palms are sweaty."
LaMarcus Alrdridge
"Richard Hamilton's protective face mask, when removed, smells like vanilla and pomegranate."
Associate Press
"Al Horford shot 75% last week from the field, and although he never gives money to the Salvation Army Santa outside of Wal-Mart, he does pat his pockets and give a shrug, making it known that, unfortunately, he doesn't have any cash on him."
Associate Press
"We've been first and we've been dead last, and guess what? When I say 'Bayside' you say 'Tigers' right? Everyone knows who we are. You can't buy that kind of publicity."
Baron Davis
"No, 'bailout' isn't quite the right word. It implies too strongly a degree of failure on my part. I was simply seeking an 'increase in liquid assets.' See how that term obscures fault just enough to defuse possible public opposition? I can't believe you reporters call yourselves writers and I have to explain that to you. Sheesh!"
Ted Barnes
"I went in to coach's office and laid my jersey on his desk. I told him as my Christmas present to LaMarcus, I wanted him to start in my place against the Butchers. The thing that surprised me most was that coach agreed. I certainly wasn't expecting that."
Amare Stoudemire
"Still sulking over not getting that coveted Red Ryder BB Gun, (Vince Carter) used his field goal percentage as a way to prove that he couldn't shoot his eye out even if he tried."
Associated Press
"Just when it appeared that Shaq and Kobe had been bitter enemies for so long that they forgot what it is like to be teammates, the Gators ended up winning 4-3-2 anyway. These disgruntled superstars then came to the sudden and immediate realization that they were actually playing in an alternate or 'fantasy' dimension, where things like momentum and team chemistry are merely elaborate myths perpetrated by bored sportswriters."
Associated Press
"Please someone make sure Twin Falls doesn't draft me next season, I can't take another year of this!"
Kobe Bryant
You can almost taste the chocolate, can't you Ben Gordon?"Rehearsals? We talkin' bout rehearsals?"
Allen Iverson
"U-Dog center Dwight Howard chose to honor our brave World War II veterans by enlisting in the Navy and spending the week in the Pacific, where he shot down 21 Japanese war planes and deflected 6 enemy bombs with his bare hands, although unfortunately none of those stats counted toward his team's totals."
Associated Press
"That's why when I saw that he had been nominated as last week's EBP I immediately subscribed to eight different Internet service providers so I could vote for him often enough to put him over the top. Did that make a mockery of the EBP voting process? Perhaps. But then again, you could argue that our entire league makes a mockery of professional basketball, so I don't really feel guilty."
Nene
"Man, change stinks. If I had known that this was what 'change' meant, I would never have agreed to contribute to the Obama campaign by writing all of his speeches for him."
Allen Iverson
"What does Zermatt have? For my money, if I have to choose one mountain valley in Switzerland to visit, you better believe I'm going to Lauterbrunnen."
Rich Lachowsky
"Zermatt, a champion once crowned,
Their owner can't swim for he might drowned,
A mighty tiger prowls,
Zermatt will drop their bowels,
Rich against Ben, will leave Zermatt frowned!"
Rich Lachowsky
"We aren't out of this yet, because when you put that food on the back-burner, it's just simmering and it tastes better. When you got that food on the front burner, that's the one you're paying attention to the most, and that's the one that might burn. We're on that back-burner.”
Rasheed Wallace
"Now that I can't bear to watch basketball anymore, I'm looking forward to spending more time with my kids. It's a good thing, too, because I found out that while I was following the Kings my wife had like three or four more of them. I can't wait to get to know them, learn their names, and so on. So thank you, Steve Nash and Greg Oden, for underachieving this year. You've given me back my family."
Lenny Lorenzo
"We hereby issue a solemn warning to any fans who are considering not attending games or purchasing league-related merchandise that they will suffer long-term negative effects, such as unfamiliarity with new players and the embarassment of wearing apparel with outdated logos."
Phil Jackson
"You know? You're right. To celebrate, I think we'll go out to Dairy Queen and almost eat a peanut buster parfait. After all, we did almost move up in the standings. That's been our goal all along: to almost make the playoffs."
Ben Gordon
"I'd say Gordon was almost the hero of the series, considering all those shots he almost made. Maybe Coach Tru should think about almost signing him to a contract extension."
Devin Harris
"We see how the graduations of the energy undervalue the Igs this week! We are ready to take in any assistant, and oh, on purpose Abominable, good luck takes that us for first! It has has!"
Fran Hopkin
"Your prestigious members have voted us to the #1 spot three times in our franchise history—once early in the 06-07 season and twice this year. While this accomplishment may seem like a good thing, we who are experts at finding the negative in otherwise positive scenarios, contend that it is not."
Sundancer Nation
"Unlike Deseret News movie critic Jeff Vice's unflapping composure in the presence of stars like Tom Hanks or Forest Whitaker, we seem to get a bit flustered when we are awarded #1."
Sundancer Nation
"As fans, we prefer to root for the wily underdog (not to be confused with THE Underdogs)."
Sundancer Nation
"The recipe is really quite simple. Just take some oj, take same mayo, boo-hay, you got yourself some OJ Mayo Jam."
OJ Mayo
"Jefferson has been the difference between Zermatt being just 'pretty good' and 'slap-ya-mama good'."
Associated Press
"You couldn't intentionally tear someone's ACL if you tried a hundred times. And I should know."
Kobe Bryant
"Kobe is a jerk of the highest order."
Ben Barnes
"I've played before sparse crowds in Salt Lake before. And there have been times when the SnowBees players—and even the nacho vendors—showed up late. But usually there's at least a two-inch column in the paper about the SnowBees, often written by an intern and buried on the last page of the sports section, sandwiched between a teeth-whitening ad and an article about Utah State."
LeBron James
"I swear the tall one smelled like Dirk Nowitzki. But I can't say for sure because of those sunglasses. I guess it could have been anyone."
Paul Millsap
"Hooray! I LOVE revenge!"
Truman Barnes
"We do have a gameplan for when Yao goes down, and we tried a little bit of everything, from building large ridges of earth around Rigby's basket to giving Joe Johnson of our wine that he might become exceedingly drunken—but he wouldn't fall for it."
Kevin Garnett
"I guess I finally just realized that having eyebrows does not a great basketball player make—being good at basketball does. Though I think Memo derives some sort of Samson-like power from his."
Charlie Villanueva
"That is my favorite kind of deal. Assuming I am on the lopside, that is."
Dave Barton
Magic Johnson is definitely pro-sunshine"Some league experts have speculated that not having Richmond in their rear view mirror (closer than they appear) might prompt something other than Udorn's special brand of complacency in the face of adversity that team devotees have come to embrace like a soft pillow. But never fear, now the Kings sit only 3.5 games behind them, giving the Jai-Rai plenty more opportunities to not capitalize on in the few remaining weeks of the regular season."
Associated Press
"At times, it seemed that both Bayside and Nephi were going to blink, trying to leap from their metaphorical tractor like Kevin Bacon in the 80's classic Footloose. But their proverbial shoelaces of common sense were caught on the tractor's gas pedal of thrills, and they both kept getting pulled back on for more."
Associated Press
"All professional athletes have a switch somewhere on their body. The better you are playing, the bigger your switch gets, thus allowing you to 'turn it on and off at will' as they say."
Dwyane Wade
"No one is going to wear a 'Regular Season Conference Champions' t-shirt. What? You were all thinkin' it!"
Luis Scola
"Hey, just remember that anything is possible."
Marquis Daniels
"It's over, guys! Get them a body bag, yyyeeeah!!!"
Rajon Rondo
"Nazi Germany was more successful economically and slightly more trusting of its citizens. Or, at least, that's how I imagine it, lacking any firsthand experience."
Deep Threat
"Some people might call that a problem, but I say that a problem is just an opportunity in work clothes. If you can get your problem to put those work clothes in the laundry, take a good shower, and put on something more stylish, like an expensive Italian suit and wing-tip shoes, purchased on credit, and then maybe find him a white-collar office job filing papers and answering his cell phone all day instead of getting his clothes dirty doing real work, then maybe that problem can become upwardly mobile and qualify for a high-interest mortgage on a house that's bigger than he needs. Then he can have the illusion of wealth without really having to earn it. This is why America is called the Land of Opportunity."
Dwight Howard
"You got a problem with that? I dare you to say something. I haven't fined anybody in a while. And we all know that in this economic climate, I could use the extra dough."
Ben Barnes
"So I just want to stress that this loss is not my fault. It's daylight saving's fault. Seriously, whose hairbrained idea was that anyway? Benjamin Franklin's? He's never had any good ideas."
Kobe Bryant
"I'm definitely pro-sunshine, generally speaking. The important thing is that I'm perceived as charismatic and gregarious. You may want to call Magic Johnson and find out where he stands on daylight savings, and then just report that I agree with Magic."
Kobe Bryant
"'What about his social life?' was a question we heard a lot. And it's a legitimate concern. If he skips 2nd grade and goes straight into WFBL management, where is he going to learn how to question authority, make fun of people who are different, shirk responsibility for his actions, and seek the path of least resistance—all important skills that he will need when he enters the 'real world'?"
Mommy Barnes
"Steve Nash is a banana brain. Look! I'm Steve Nash: 'Duh, duh, can I pway basketbauw wiff you guyz? Just don't bump me, cuz my bones awe bwittowl.'"
Al Harrington
"I did injure a player or two and, um, for that I am very sorry and deeply regretful. And although it was the culture back then, and, uh, the Wasatch Front Basketball League overall was very... I'm just, I just feel that, um, you know, I'm just sorry. I'm sorry for that time. I'm sorry to my fans. I'm sorry for my fans in Twin Falls."
Kobe Bryant
"Can't you fix my hip with that thing you do? You know, with the clapping and the rubbing, and the hey hey hey, my hip feels better?"
Dwyane Wade
"I'm actually not that into basketball. To be honest, I haven't really watched a WFBL game start to finish all season. But even I can tell you that the SnowBees stink."
Phil Jackson, Chair of WFBL Playoff Selection Committee
"Can I get a boo-hay?"
Dave Barton
"In fact, I daresay that Zermatt's Concludings title is slightly tainted by the fact that they didn't have to play the resurgent SnowBees in the playoffs. There will always be an asterisk next to their name in the history books, and if you follow that asterisk down to the bottom of the page, it will say, 'Did not play Salt Lake in postseason.' Fans will just have to draw their own conclusions from that."
Ted Barnes
"Four straight Concludings appearances. Three WFBL titles are three WFBL titles. And unless your name rhymes with "Lost his house key", winning a championship is no accident."
Associated Press
"No longer will every story about the Strats be prefaced with 'remember how bad they were last year?' Now it will be 'remember how good they were last year after being so bad the year before?'"
Associated Press
"Jackson, who has shown he can hang with the best of them in his two years in the league, has a shoo-in keeper selection in high-key Danny Granger. He can only hope that the player many are calling Shawn Marion 2.0 doesn't download a virus and crash like the original version."
Associated Press
"Nice dunk, but Shawn Bradley would have dunked it behind his head and held on the rim a bit longer for emphasis."
Unnamed St. George Fan
"If the Rigby Trojans' last-place 2008 finish was a debilitating accident wherein they lost all use of their limbs, the 2009 season was their first wobbly step after doctors told them they'd never walk again. "
Associated Press
"Which Lachowsky will show up next season? The one whose apathy led to last or second-to-last place finishes in three of four seasons? Or the one whose apathy led to a Concludings Title?"
Associated Press
"There is no way I can give you O'Neal or Horford. We are talking about Rudy Gay, not some low key guy."
Devin Jackson
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