Is Yao wearing pants? That's for Yao to know and you to find out.
Ming's Musings: On Beating Twin Falls for Second Place; On Wearing Sweaters in Utah
NEPHI (Yao Ming)—We beat the Gators this week. It was a hard-fought, honorable match. We won by the count of 5 for and 4 against. We had never beaten them before. In fact, our previous losses were 2-7 and 2-6-1. So yeah, I am glad to have upheld the honor of our team this time.
I enjoy second place. It is a new, yet much better experience than last place, where we're used to being. It's funny, because now the question "How's the weather up there?" can be answered by me as both a very tall man and as a man on the top of the conference standings. One meaning of that question has already gotten old, the other I don't think ever will.
Speaking of weather, Utah is a cold place, I don't know if you've noticed. The snow has started already, but sometimes what I like to do before it gets too bad—when it's just a little chilly out and the grass has yet to be coated in sparkling white—is just put on my favorite cardigan, go and curl up in my backyard, dig my toes into the cold grass, and think of rebounding. Or of maintaining an insanely high free-throw percentage for a man of my size. But alas, winter is here, and that all will have to be shelved until the spring.
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Amare Proving Nobody Does it Better
PARK CITY (AP )—In light of Barack Obama recently being elected as this country's first black president, current 007 star Daniel Craig has suggested that the time has also come for an African American to play James Bond.Let me be the first to say this is an excellent idea. And even though Craig's second Bond feature Quantum of Solace is just arriving in theaters this week, it doesn't seem too early to recommend the ideal candidate to play Great Britain's answer to Shaft. I'll give you a hint: He just happens to be fresh off a successful acting stint on the children's show Yo Gabba Gabba. Yes, I am talking about Stoudemire... Amare Stoudemire.
Stoudemire cemented his candidacy to become the first black James Bond with his "are you kidding me?" stat line from game 2 against the Underdogs: 49 points, 17/21 from the field, 15/15 from the line, 11 rebs, 6 assists, 5 steals, and 2 blocks. Are you kidding me? (See, I told you.) With that kind of dominance on the basketball court, it is hardly a stretch to imagine him thwarting super villains who happen to take up residence inside hollowed-out volcanoes.
Just think of the possibilities if a star athlete such as Stoudemire were to take over this famed role. Old Bond films could be remade with unique twists and variations to highlight Stoudemire's abilities: You Only Dunk Twice, On Her Majesty's Pickup Game, The Spy Who Rejected Me, A View to a Rebound and Points Are Not Enough immediately spring to mind.
With their 5-3-1 victory over St. George, it appears that Park City is indeed a diamond-powered space laser to be reckoned with. In addition to commandeering first place in the Wasatch Conference, the Sundancers are also ranked among the top two teams in six statistical categories. But like 007, they are not without their vices. No, I'm not talking about a lust for the ladies and an unhealthy affection for strong drinks. Rather, Park City lives on the edge of danger, playing with such reckless abandon that they turn the ball over—A LOT. Also they kinda stink at three point shooting. But every hero needs a few flaws to humanize them, am I right? Daniel Craig's got my back on this one.
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Marion Says Sorry, Benched Anyway; Change Comes to Salt Lake
SALT LAKE CITY (AP)—Shortly after the Rigby Trojans spoiled the Salt Lake SnowBees' home opener by a not-really-that-close 5-4 clip, members of the media converged in the press room in the SnowHive at Mr. Mac Arena, in much the same way flies converge on rotting fruit, for a postgame press conference. Some highlights follow:SnowBees owner Ted "Beekeeper" Barnes: Ladies and gentlemen of the media, before we take your insightful and thought-provoking questions, one of my players has something he wants to say.
Underachieving small forward Shawn Marion: Aw, coach, do I have to?
Beekeeper [handing Marion a type-written page]: Quit whining and read it!
Marion: "Dear ... media ... and ... fans, ... I want ... to take ... this ... op-- ... op--"
Beekeeper: "Opportunity."
Marion: "Opportunity to ... ap-- ... ap-- ... ap--"
Beekeeper: "Apologize!"
Marion: I was gonna say that! You have to let me sound it out! "Apologize ... fo-- ... fo--"
Beekeeper: "FOR!!" I can't believe this. Gimme that! This is taking all day. What did you major in at UNLV anyway, slot machines? [Clears throat] "Dear media and fans, I want to take this opportunity to apologize for the monumental disappointment I've been so far this season. The good people of Salt Lake City deserve better than 39% shooting from their small forward, and there's simply no excuse for my performance. I especially want to apologize to the Beekeeper, who selected me with the number 1 pick in the draft under the mutual understanding that I would put up all-star numbers every night. I take full responsibility for our current losing streak, for the country's recent economic downturn, and for the fact that the nachos at Mr. Mac Arena kind of taste like salty cardboard, and I absolve the Beekeeper of any fault for all of these things. At the same time, I urge SnowBees fans to continue to purchase tickets and merchandise and come to home games as if the team were doing well, and if you can't come to the games, then at least purchase tickets. I hereby promise that the next time the SnowBees are in a position to draft me, I will warn them if I'm going to have a mediocre season. Remorsefully, Shawn Marion."
Center Pau Gaso, visibly moved: Wow, Shawn, that was beautiful.
Marion: Shut up, Gasol.
Beekeeper: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to announce that the player in question, whose name shall not be mentioned, has been officially removed from the SnowBees' starting lineup until his behavior improves.
Marion: But Coach, I SAID sorry!
Beekeeper: Will someone please tell the player in question not to speak until he is spoken to?
Gasol: Shawn, Coach says not to—
Marion: I KNOW what he said.
Beekeeper: While on the bench, the player will be given the chance to think about what he has done and resolve never to do it again. I will now take questions from the members of the media.
Q: Is it too early to call Shawn Marion a bust?
Beekeeper: Too early?!? We're 18 games into the season! If this were the NFL, we'd be in the playoffs by now. Correction—we'd be out of the playoffs by now, looking for jobs selling concessions at other teams' playoff games. How many chances does a top overall pick get, anyway? I should have benched him a long time ago.
Q: Who will replace Marion in the starting lineup?
Beekeeper: We're replacing Marion with Tayshaun Prince, who, it's worth noting, kind of looks like Barack Obama and may be related in some way. But even if Tayshaun and the president elect share no common ancestry, they have something far more important in common: a vaguely defined promise of change. Change for its own sake—bold, unabashed, jump-in-the-river-headfirst, leap-before-you-look, measure-once-and-cut-twice change. That's change I and all of SnowBee Nation can believe in. ¡Si se puede!
[Press conference concludes amid delirious cheers and reporters chanting "Yes we can!"]
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AROUND THE WFBL
Abominables 6, Jai-Rai 3
The defending champs, led by newly starting-lineup-inserted Thaddeus Young, survived a scare from the pesky Jai-Rai, despite playing four fewer games. "One things for sure, two things for certain," said Allen Iverson. "That Thaddeus kid is alright. He can hit the three, he gets steals, he doesn't get nearly enough rebounds that he should. It's like if Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis had a baby, it'd be Thaddeus. I shall call him Thaddeus TurkoLew. Just saying that name give me chillbumps." Coach Barnes promptly showed his thanks for the youngster's efforts by sending TurkoLew to the bench and trading for Rashard Lewis, stating he'll "Take (my) chances with the real thing."
Iguanas 5, Tigers 3, Everybody 1
The Bayside Tigers, who for some reason came into the season with extremely high preseason rankings for a team that finished 10th a year ago, looked lost and confused again, this time at the hands of Los Iguanas de Maracaibo, the team with the top record in the land. It's hard to comprehend how a team with Marcus Camby at center can fail to be victorious in both blocks and steals, but Bayside is not your conventional WFBL team. "Just when you think we're out, we start makin' a run," said forward Caron Butler. "And it'll happen, just wait. Although, as soon as we start makin' that run, 3/5 of our starting lineup will get injured. But for that week or two where we're clicking, we'll be one tough out, that's for sure." The Tigers may or may not begin that run this week at Rigby.
Butchers 7, Kings 2
NEW YORK (AP)—With a Sonic the Hedgehog plush doll fuming impatiently on the sidelines, the New York Kings embarrassed themselves with a second consecutive 2-7 blowout loss, this one against the Richmond Butchers in front of a furious home crowd. Though the league is still dragging its feet on Sonic's eligibility to play for the Kings (since he is nonhuman and is from another planet), owner TJ Barnes decided to let the hedgehog dress for the game and sit with the team. "I'm here for motivational purposes," Sonic says. "I serve as a constant reminder to the other players that they are all in perpetual danger of losing their job to a woodland rodent. And by the way, if I were in there, I guarantee you [Butchers guard] John Salmons does not score 71 points." Is TJ's motivational strategy working? "Not really," says center Al Harrington. "It's backfiring actually. I mean, I feel insulted, but not to the extent that I want to prove everyone wrong and start making a bunch of three-pointers or something. I feel just enough insult to undermine my confidence. I think I may actually start playing worse now, if you can imagine that."
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WEEK 1 EBP WINNER (tie)
Chris Paul, Zermatt
José Calderón, Nephi
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